Words that attack the worth of a child are the most damaging thing a parent can do to their offspring. It doesn’t matter how many ‘nice’ things are also done. They never balance it out because the words strike at the CORE of the value of the human being. In the workforce, an old but sound statement is: one ‘sh**’ cancels out 100 ‘attaboys’.
An excellent example of this dynamic is: If a parent tells a child that they are a ‘piece of s***’, or ‘stupid’ (a popular term used by these types of parents) and then later praises that child in front of strangers, the child (regardless of age) concludes that the parent is lying to ‘save face’ in front of the stranger.
The public praise that contradicts what is said in private is very damaging because the opinion of the parent in private carries more weight. Instead of making the child feel good, the child concludes that they are so bad, and the parent is so ashamed of them, that the parent has to lie to strangers about the child.
It is complex, but children place themselves as the responsible party regardless of the situation and what a parent says to the child in private is carved in concrete in the child’s mind. It never goes away. Ever.
The best analogy I can give you is this: if you had a job wherein your boss berated you in private over and over again, blew up at the smallest event, told you that you were stupid, told you that you were lucky to have the job because you obviously couldn’t get another one, that he keeps you on only out of the goodness of his heart, how long would you choose to stay in that environment?
Now add this to the scene: a visitor comes to the workplace and your same boss tells the visitor that yes, his workers are the best! Which version of your value to your boss would you internalize? Over time, a healthy person would want to literally bust the guy in the chops.
Adults can leave this situation. Children cannot. They internalize EVERYTHING that their parents say about them and accept it as THE truth, period. Over time they either become like their parent(s) and do the same to their kids, or they distance themselves from the parents in one way or another (including withdrawing into themselves). For girls, the normal pattern is for them to marry a male who talks to and treats them in the same way.
Outstanding post.
OUTSTANDING post. And I have had a boss exactly like that.
To back up your theory...take a look at the way he talked about her on Larry King and then on Letterman. EXACTLY what you are talking about here.
I agree with what you said, but I would add that either the child becomes just like the parent or finds someone to submit to in an abusive situation.