Judge: 'This egg will rot, I kid you not'

The Concord Monitor ^ | Sep 22, 2007 | ANNMARIE TIMMINS

[Daffynition]

B efore a judge renders an opinion, he might rely on case law or consider precedents established by the U.S. Supreme Court. But this week at the federal court in Concord, Magistrate Judge James Muirhead reached for his copy of Green Eggs and Ham.

Muirhead channeled Dr. Seuss after an inmate mailed him a hard-boiled egg to protest his diet at the state prison.

"No fan I am of the egg at hand," Muirhead wrote.

He continued: "I do not like eggs in the file. I do not like eggs any style."

Then Muirhead ordered the egg destroyed. "Today! Today!" he demanded. "Today I say! Without delay!"

Muirhead could not be reached for comment, but Daniel Lynch, deputy clerk at the U.S. District Court on Pleasant Street, confirmed that the egg had been tossed.

But the case, brought by inmate Charles Jay Wolff last September, is pending and set for trial.

In his lawsuit, Wolff, 61 and serving 10 to 20 years for aggravated felonious sexual assault, has accused prison officials in Concord of refusing to feed him a kosher and medically adequate diet. In addition to the proper foods, Wolff seeks $10 million from the state.

The case is complicated and has required a lot of attention from court and state officials. It seems the prison has succeeded in providing Wolff, who says he's Jewish, a kosher diet. The problem, according to court records, is that some of those kosher items aggravate Wolff's heart, diabetes and other medical conditions.

Wolff responded at one point by refusing to eat the main course of his dinner 29 out of 31 days to avoid digestive problems, court records said. After researching the matter and hearing from Wolff and prison officials, Muirhead concluded in August that the prison had not responded to Wolff's medical needs and instead given him the "run around."

Muirhead ordered the prison to come up with a plan to better meet Wolff's dietary needs.

Hard-boiled eggs are among the foods Wolff says he cannot tolerate, and it was his understanding the prison would serve him eggs another way. So when Wolff was recently served hard-boiled eggs, he fired off a complaint to the federal court - with a hard-boiled egg attached.

Wolff sent a copy of his complaint, and another hard-boiled egg, to the state attorney general's office, which is representing the prison in the lawsuit.

Andrew Livernois, the attorney handling Wolff's case for the state, said the egg arrived in a padded envelope taped to a piece of paper. It was intact and hadn't begun to smell. It's an unusual piece of correspondence, not as bad as others, Livernois said.

One attorney in his office once received a pleading coated in dried urine. And legend has it that another attorney received dirty underwear from a litigant. Plus, Livernois agreed, the egg from Wolff could have been soft-boiled, or not boiled at all.

Livernois said that egg was put out with the trash. Muirhead's ruling, meanwhile, is circulating around the office.

Prison officials enjoy Muirhead's ruling but also wonder how Wolff got his egg into the mail. Jeff Lyons, prison spokesman, said the prison does not search mail sent by inmates if it is marked "legal documents" and addressed to a court or attorney's office. It's likely, he said, that Wolff sent his eggs that way.

Muirhead's order will almost certainly land on one of the many websites devoted to humor in the court system, like lawhaha.com. He'll find himself in good company and among at least one other Dr. Seuss fan.

In 2006, a Florida bankruptcy judge responded in rhyme to a debtor who had failed to file necessary information in time and risked dismissal. "I do not like dismissal automatic / It seems to me to be traumatic."

Another bankruptcy judge, this one from Texas, cribbed lines from the Adam Sandler movie Billy Madison to chastise a defendant's incomprehensible argument. "What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard," the judge wrote. "At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought."

Earlier this year, a Montana judge worked the names of Beatles songs into his order after a defendant referenced the group in his plea to the court. "As a result of your Hard Day's Night, you are looking at a Ticket To Ride that Long and Winding Road to Deer Lodge," the judge wrote. "Hopefully you can say both now and When I'm 64 that I Should Have Known Better."

Among the most circulated opinions from lawhaha.com is one issued last year by a Florida judge fed up with a pair of squabbling lawyers who could not agree on the site of an important deposition.

The judge ordered each lawyer to appear at a neutral site, or the courthouse steps, accompanied by one paralegal who would serve as a witness. There, the lawyers would play the game rock, paper, scissors to determine the deposition's location.

[Daffynition]

Oeurf. Oeurf. A judge with a sense of humor. Case cracked.

[upsdriver]

lol! The judge is funny, but I wonder about a judge who has a copy of Green Eggs & Ham in his law library! Sounds like Harry Stone from Night Court.

But the article provides a good reason for me to stay out of prison. I hate eggs!

[A_perfect_lady]

How is it that a boiled egg would upset someone’s delicate tummy, but scrambled eggs would not? That doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense at all. An egg is an egg, and the shape it was in when the heat was applied isn’t going to change a thing. Let the SOB starve.

[LoneRangerMassachusetts]

The judge ordered each lawyer to appear at a neutral site, or the courthouse steps, accompanied by one paralegal who would serve as a witness. There, the lawyers would play the game rock, paper, scissors to determine the deposition's location.

I like this judge.

[Pablo64]

It would have been even funnier if he had quoted Green Eggs & Ham in Latin.

I have a copy in Latin and the rhyme scheme carries through very well.

[RoadKingSE]

If this slug thinks he should litigate over his taxpayer-provided food, I think the Judge should require that Inmate Charles Jay Wolff have his meals prepared daily by the Tossed Salad Man.

[SuziQ]

Sounds like the Judge gave this case just the right amount of seriousness it deserved!

[doodad]

Can I ask where you got a Latin copy? My daughter is a Latin freak on her third year of the language in high school and fairly fluent.

[therut]

Throw some bacon grease on the boiled egg and all will be well. Or better yet dye it pink and say eat.

[Fiji Hill]

Green Eggs & Ham

INGREDIENTS
• 1 (10 ounce) container refrigerated extra large
biscuit dough
• 1/2 pound sliced bacon
• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1/2 medium onion, chopped
• 1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and chopped
• 4 roasted green chile peppers, seeded and chopped
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 6 eggs
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

DIRECTIONS
1. Prepare biscuits according to the directions on the package. Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium-high heat until evenly brown. Drain, and set aside.

2. Heat olive oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, jalapeno, green chile, salt, and pepper. Fry, stirring, until onions are soft. Whisk together the eggs and milk; pour into the skillet. Stir frequently until eggs are scrambled and cooked through.

3. Split biscuits in half. Place some of the scrambled egg mixture on the bottom half, criss-cross two slices of bacon over the eggs, then top with shredded Monterey Jack cheese. Place the other half of the biscuits on the top, and serve.

[Daffynition]

Dr. Seuss on Bankruptcy Law

Bankruptcy Judge A. Jay Cristol (S.D. Fla.) was vexed by a bankruptcy statute saying that if an individual debtor in a voluntary chapter 7 or 13 case fails to file certain information within 45 days of filing his petition, the case shall be “automatically dismissed” on the 46th day.

Judge Cristol struggled with the statutory riddle of how a case could be automatically dismissed without court action or even a docket entry. He decided to analyze the question in the style of that noted bankruptcy giant, Dr. Seuss.

I do not like dismissal automatic,
It seems to me to be traumatic
I do not like it in this case,
I do not like it any place.

As a judge I am most keen
To understand, What does it mean?
How can any person know
what the docket does not show?

What is the clue on the 46th day?
Is the case still here, or gone away?
…

It goes on for several more verses, but you’ll have to consult the full opinion for the rest of the story. Rumor has it the Cat in the Hat appeared pro hac vice on behalf of the debtor.

— In re Riddle, Case. No. 06-11313-BKC-AJC, U.S. Bankruptcy Ct., S.D. Fla, July 17, 2006.

[Pablo64]

I think that my wife found it through CBD (Christian Book Distributors) although it may have been through Rainbow Resource. We homeschool, and those two sources are gold mines.

It was published by Bolchazy-Carducci Publishers, Inc. (www.bolchazy.com) I seem to recall that it was a little pricey, but we really wanted a copy so we splurged a little.

Virent Ova!
Viret Perna!!

[Pablo64]

I just checked Amazon.com and it is available there as well ($26.00 new, used from $19.95).