For kids, it just is not so. They like clear, clean boundaries, consistently enforced. They'll push them and test your resolve from time to time, but once they find out you will stand your ground, they feel more secure as a result.
They won't feel secure in a world without standards and rules, because then no one has rules to go by, just the whim of the moment.
But using no standard more stringent than the "if it feels good, do it" guideline, they are destroying their children in the guise of "being their friend". If they would be the parent now, the friendship will come later, and the kids would be better, happier, people for it.
In the parenting classes for fostering, they said a lot of what you said....
That most kids in foster care don’t have even the most remote sense of order or consistancy-—
Rituals like morning routines, bedtimes, mealtimes, consistant behavior expectations, chores, allowances, discipline etc.
Their world was chaotic and scattershot. They might get a sandwich on Friday and nothing for supper on Saturday. Bedtime is whenever. They might get slapped for a behavior on Monday that was laughed off or ignored on Sunday.
Let me tell you, it was as rough for them as it was for me to daily be consistant in everything. Oy...that was so hard ;)
In the peds unit that I work in, the kids respond the most simple things. The most heartbreaking thing is how grateful they are to have 3 hot meals, sitting down at a table with adults (the CNAs, Nurses, me etc) its really a big deal to them!
I’ve seen even the pickiest eaters eat things like collards simply because someone cared enough to put it there.