Today's Toons 1/14/08

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Barack Obama told New Hampshire Friday he will make America one nation and one people. It was some speech. If Barack Obama were any more of a uniter, LSU and Ohio State would call off tonight's game because there's nothing to fight about anymore.

Hillary Clinton declared Friday in New Hampshire that she is the most innocent off all the candidates. She said she's been investigated for sixteen years and has no secrets. When women lose their air of mystery the next thing they lose is Iowa.

Entertainment Tonight aired video of a celebrity meltdown Saturday. Everyone's favorite blonde was strapped on a gurney and taken to a mental ward, crying that her husband ruined her life. It could get worse if she doesn't win New Hampshire tonight.

Bill Clinton sounded exhausted Monday when asked to speculate about his wife's chances in New Hampshire. He said he wished she were taller, younger and male. If there were ever any doubts they aren't sleeping together, this should put them to rest.

Senator Hillary Clinton welled up with emotion and got teary-eyed on Monday as she sat at a table with undecided voters in a New Hampshire restaurant. The voters have clearly heard enough from the presidential candidates. They're resorting to mace.

Panasonic wowed an electronics convention Monday by unveiling the world's largest television, which has a twelve-foot screen. It shows every wrinkle. They tuned it in to Barack Obama making a speech and everyone agreed he's too old to be president.

Barack Obama led the polls Monday going into the New Hampshire primary. He received worshipful news coverage all week after Iowa. The media is so reverential toward Obama that Mike Huckabee has asked him to stand behind him in an Easter commercial.

New Hampshire and Iowa were allowed again to set the tone for the presidential race this week. This is way too much influence for two small, white states. When the race gets to California there won't be a candidate still in it who speaks the language.

The New Hampshire primary ended with thank-you speeches late Tuesday. Everyone had trouble getting their message out to the nation. The candidates should never keep shouting the word change to three hundred million people with a TV remote in their hands.

Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday. Everyone's looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from violating the terms of his plea bargain.

Barack Obama supporters blamed their defeat in New Hampshire Tuesday on what's called the Tom Bradley effect, where people tell pollsters they will vote for a black candidate but don't in the voting booth. It's a great victory for democracy. Why should candidates be the only ones who are allowed to lie about what they're going to do?

Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It's been so long since he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they had outsourced the job of governor to India.

Sir Edmund Hillary died at home in New Zealand Thursday. He was the first ever to scale Mt. Everest fifty years ago. When the newspaper landed on Bill Clinton's driveway with the headline Hillary Dead, he called Hooters and asked if they do wakes.

Hillary Clinton thanked New Hampshire voters on Tuesday for nudging her into being less programmed onstage. She insisted that she's spontaneous and unscripted now. It would have been more convincing if she hadn't put on her glasses to read it.

-- Argus Hamilton

The head of New York state's leading gay-rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same-sex marriage. Today, her husband Bill described her as a disappointment on opposite-sex marriage.

At a political forum in Hollywood, Hillary Clinton said that she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she's not too crazy about straight marriage anymore, either.

One of Hillary's campaign people said, "Last night's defeat is just a bump in the road." Kind of like the scene in "Titanic" when the guy goes, "What was that?" "Oh just an iceberg . . ."

Hillary Clinton came in third . . .third! Apparently she chose the wrong talk show to appear on.

And Hillary Clinton's campaign staff said that "losing in Iowa is not a problem, because getting beat will make us a better team." Certainly worked for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Former President Bill Clinton says he's more worried about his wife's campaign than he's ever been about his own election. Well, sure — he knows if she loses they have to go home together.

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton! Despite all the predictions by pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that.

And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. Fascinating story about John McCain — highly decorated veteran, spent five and half years in prison, then went into politics . . . Usually it's the other way around.

Not such good news for John Edwards . . . he came in third, proving there really are two Americas — and neither one is voting for him.

- - Leno

Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone.

Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me."

Top Ten Signs You're Watching Bad Election Coverage

10. TV reporters seem to be using the word "dude" a lot
9. Because of the writers strike they show reruns of the Reagan-Mondale election
8. Exit polling question: "Did you have trouble finding the exit?"
7. Three candidates each received 50% of the votes
6. Top half of screen shows election coverage, bottom half is "American Gladiators"
5. Pundit says it's looking unlikely Bush will be re-elected
4. It's 3 hours of Dog the Bounty Hunter yelling racial slurs
3. Correspondent spends most of the evening hitting on Kucinich's hot wife
2. Wolf Blitzer wanders around on set screaming, "Top story daddy's drunk!"
1. Still haven't projected winner from Iowa

- - Letterman

Now that the Iowa caucus is over, Bill Clinton is hitting the campaign trail for his wife. He said, "There are two things I want to say about Hillary. First, I'd still vote for her even if we had never married . . . and . . . Sorry, I forgot the second one . . . I'm still thinking about if we never got married."

The New Hampshire primary is today. It was warm day too. Bill Clinton took some time out to rub some sunscreen on the backs of Hillary's interns.

Bill Clinton: "I think I missed a spot on your primary . . ."

- - Craig Ferguson

They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. The results are in, and as expected, a big comeback for John McCain on the Republican side, and when I last checked Hillary Clinton had a slight lead for the Democrats over Barack Obama. It was so close they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision.

Hillary clinton won the Democratic primary last night. She beat Oprah's husband by a slim margin.

Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him.

- - Jimmy Kimmel

Twilight Time (cue Platters music)

Hillary cried to beat Obama, it's twilight time
Liberal Golden Globe-orama, it's drama time
When women cast their votes on gender, not on sense
It's over, my friends, it's bulls**t time.

Why do we have these poll projections, they're just a farce
People will make their own selections, out of their arse
They like the candidate that's fun or cute or black
No matter how thick and green the slime.

Soon, in November they'll all vote, for someone they've been told, can fix D.C.
Then, like a pitiful misquote, they'll see through all the bold hypocrisy

Then four more years of bitchy moaning, and tax increase
People seem happiest when groaning, like some disease
No matter which unlucky bastard gets the job
Somebody will charge him with a crime

Next, we'll have terrorists and nuts, illegal immigrants, and recession
Then, with their heads jammed up their butts, the liberals will say it's Bush's fault

Candidates winning seats in Congress, are scrupulous
Until their virtues start to digress, from cash surplus
From that point on their hands are dirty like their minds
It's nature, they do it every time
Republic, for you it's twilight time

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Hillary is walking along the beach when a magic genie appears, offering to grant her a wish. Hillary hands the genie a map of the middle east and says "will you do something about the fighting in this area? It is so sad, and may lead to nuclear war."
The genie looks at the map, then says "sorry--these countries have been fighting for centuries. Bringing peace to this region is beyond even my great powers." He hands back the map and says "do you have another wish?"
Hillary then says "yes, will you please convince the American people that my 8 years as first lady qualfies me to be President?'
And the genie blurted out "let me see that map again!"
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Political Cryptogram:

UY ANAVERDON VRNNAKA GREAT HADA

VOTE YRD AOVP VRCKDATTURCON

MUTEDUVE UCMUGUMIONNS, HRINM

UE VPOCKA OCSEPUCK REPAD EPOC

LOTTUGA KADDSLOCMADUCK?

SUPERSIZED

(Thank you, Dan Lacey [faithmouse.com])

(Thank you, usmcobra)

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