Posted on 01/22/2008 8:35:59 AM PST by mnehring
I was watching the Michigan Primary returns with my parents when
suddenly the fish-eyed face of Kansas Senator Sam Brownback appeared on the
Fox News Channel.
Brownback was shilling for the Republican winner Mitt Romney when he happened to allude to a time very early in the race when he himself was still running for President. My father looked up from his handheld electronic sudoku game long enough to squint at ole Sam and then uttered “When was he in the race?”
Immediately, two things struck me.One, Sam Brownback is one weird looking dude with eyes like a zuvembie on a three-day crying binge, and two, the average Georgia voter had been following the election campaign about as closely as Keith Olbermann follows objectivity. In other words, most Georgians have yet to seriously start deciding just which of these men, and woman, they would like to see as the nominee for their party.
So I gathered my notes and a bottle of Old Overholt rye and put
together a guide for Peach Staters for the upcoming primary.
I’ll start with the Republicans.
Mitt Romney.
Accomplishments? Former governor of Massachusetts. Former head of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. Inherits the mantle of Man with most Reagan-like Hair. Fertile as Yertle the turtle.
Possible downside with voters: His Mormon faith. Changes positions faster than a flea on a Chinese checkerboard. Relates to the common man like Rush Limbaugh relates to his ex’s.
Media Bias: If you find that Mitt is a rather stiff guy it’s not completely
his fault. It’s hard to move gracefully with fellow Latter Day Saint Glenn
Beck of CNN wedged so firmly up his buttocks.
Possible corporate donors: Brylcreem. Trojan.
Key constituencies: Wall Street vultures, men with beards and a proclivity for salt, downhill skiers, the salamander lobby.
Keeps harping on: Change. He needs 30 cents for that Zero bar he’s been eyeing in the Marriot lobby vending machine.
Mike Huckabee.
Accomplishments? Former governor of Arkansas. Did not shoot his lawyer or anyone else during a bird hunt before the Iowa caucus. Lost over a hundred pounds when doctors told him he was one fried twinkie away from bursting. Blinks too much on camera, one almost expects to see a tongue whip out and lick his eyeballs.
Possible downside with voters: Former preacher. Comes from same small outcropping of rocks that Bill Clinton hails from. What are the cosmic odds that two gasbags of this magnitude could burst forth from the same one-horse hamlet? There’s something in the water alright, and it’s helium.
Media Bias: He’s just so gosh darn glib and personable and funny that it’s hard to remember that tough question about the Constitution the producer is yelling in your ear to ask. Being the only candidate running who supports the Fair Tax makes me want to kiss him on the lips.
Possible corporate donors: The estate of Tammy Faye Bakker. Arkansas chicken-gutting magnates.
Key constituencies: Southern folk. Fat people with hope. Fat people from Hope.
Keeps harping on: The Fair Tax. Wants to abolish the income tax and
disembowel the I.R.S. Smooooooch.
Rudy Giuliani.
Accomplishments? Didn’t this guy used to be the mayor of New York City? Wasn’t he one of the heroes of 9/11? Wasn’t he running for president? Yeah? Then where the hell has he been for the past few months? Ran some of the slower mob out of Manhattan and into Jersey where they got their own cable show.
Possible downside with voters: He’s been about as visible as a dodo bird, which I believe is the creature that designed his strategy of only running for president of the state of Florida. Skipped Iowa, drove rapidly with the windows rolled up through New Hampshire, ignored Wyoming, gave South Carolina a pass and showed America’s mitten (Michigan) the finger. The GOP poll leader for most of 2007, if he doesn’t win in the Sunshine State then he can start spending more time lining up wife number 14. His spousal accruel rate makes the Mormon in the race look like Billy Graham.
Media Bias: Fickle New York media which hated him when he ran for mayor and then won, and hated him even more when he had the audacity to allow the police to do their jobs, then loved him after 9/11, then hated him again when he ran for president. It’s hard to show bias against a man whose media profile has been just slightly
higher than The Shadow.
Possible corporate donors: Waste Management Consultants of New Jersey. Ziegfield Retirement Farm in Boca Raton.
Key constituencies: New York retirees living in Florida. Manatees.
Keeps harping on: I’m sorry, did you say something?
John McCain.
Accomplishments? Hero in Vietnam, former prisoner of war. Married a
beautiful, buxom lass whose father owned a beer distributorship. Oh, and he’s also a senator from Arizona too.
Possible downside with voters: Didn’t we already have a remake of ‘The Manchurian Candidate’?
Angered conservatives with votes on campaign reform and letting federal
subsidies allow illegal immigrants to date your 16-year-old daughter. Or
something like that. Voted against lowering taxes
Sweats profusely while playing cards.
Media Bias: Great interview, never know when he’s going to nutup and
eviscerate someone. Like when he had Donald Rumsfeld whacked.
Possible corporate donors: Budweiser. Pemex.
Key constituencies: Veterans. Independents. Angela Lansbury.
Keeps harping on: Straight talk, like telling Michiganers their auto jobs
ain’t coming back. How’s that working out for ya?
Fred Thompson.
Accomplishments? Former senator from Tennessee, veteran actor of tv and
movies, played tough character on ‘Law and Order’, television’s Mr.
President. Also married beautiful, young lass.
Possible downside with voters: Waited late to join the fray then
sleepwalked through Iowa and New Hampshire before being nudged and woke up long enough to find his cojones during the debates. Grouchy after missing his nap, has the facial structure of a blue tick hound. Claims to be heir to Reagan yet constantly breaks the Gipper’s 11th Commandment about not attacking fellow Republicans.
Approaches campaigning with all the zeal of a three-toed sloth scaling a sequoia.
Media bias: Good soundbites when awake, presidential presence on the tube, male media members jostle to interview his hot wife.
Possible corporate donors: War Between the States Re-enactors. Musket Manufacturers of America. National Association of District Attorneys Who Want Fred to Portray Them on TV.
Key constituencies: Gun owners, shut-ins, fans of Raymond Burr.
Keeps harping on: Being the only real conservative,
Ron Paul.
Accomplishments? Ran for president as a Libertarian, representative from Texas. If MoveOn.org had a right wing chapter then this loony would be its obergruppenfuhrer.
Is like Reagan in one sense: Pretends to have hearing loss when asked a
tough question.
Possible downside with voters: A cross between Dr. Zachary Smith on ‘Lost in Space’ and Don Knotts. Makes Chicken Little sound like Bennet Cerf.
Strict Constitutionalist on most issues but feels we have no business
involving our military in foreign, offensive wars. But as most Southerners
can attest, fighting a defensive war on your own soil is no winner either.
Media bias: Shunned by Fox News during debate in New Hampshire even though he had higher poll numbers than Thompson and Guiliani. Like the political version of a train wreck, you can’t take your eyes off him in expectation of what this nozzle will say next. Reporters have bets on which debate will finally see John McCain punch his lights out.
Possible corporate donors: Psychology Today. The Democratic National Convention. The National Bank of
Iran.
Key constituencies: Snake-handlers, War of 1812 Re-enactors, people who solder Ron Paul posters on traffic signs, Oliver Stone.
Keeps harping on: Where he left his meds. America caused 9/11, the
Jamestown Flood, and the fall of the Weimar Republic.
The Democrats.
Ladies first.
John Edwards.
Accomplishments? Former senator from North Carolina. Helped replace the Tarheel State’s backward image of a place that elected Jesse Helms to a…well, backward image of a place that elected a Ken doll-wannabee. Made his millions chasing ambulances, doctors, and hospitals. Wins Al Gore award for most bloviating about the environment and global warming and two Americas whilst building and living in a palatial estate that burns kilowatts like Tommy Chong burns doobies and has everything but an alligator-filled moat and hot-oil barrels on the turrets.
Remember all those Frankie Avalon and Annette Funnicello beachball bikini movies from the sixties? Remember every time Frankie would screw up and get caught schtupping Connie Stevens and Annette would take her Funbags and try and make him jealous by making out with the leader of the other surfer gang?
No? Well, neither do I. But if I did, I’d remember that impotent tool from the other gang would look just like John Edwards.
Possible downside with voters: Prettier than all the men and most of the
women voters. With better hair, dammit. 400 dollar trims. And his
haircuts are pricey too.
Media bias: Talk show hosts have labeled him ‘The Breck Girl’, a reference most people under the age of 40 won't get. Why don’t they just go ahead and make some anachronistic Prell comment too. How stupid is that? Next we’ll have some media moose comparing him to a character in a Frankie Avalon-Annette Funnicello movie.
Possible corporate donors: Colgate-Palmolive. Proctor & Gamble.
Key constituencies: Paramedics, blind democrats who miss the punch holes for Obama and Clinton.
Keeps harping on: Free rocket rides to Mars, a subway tunnel under the
Atlantic Ocean, popsicle subsidies. But none of this gets reported because everyone tuned him out and quit listening after Dick Cheney spanked his arse on national television in 2004.
Barack Obama.
Accomplishments? Senator from Illinois, first black man from Chicago to ever win a democratic state primary. Oh, yeah, Jesse, did, too--forgot about him.
Okay, the first black man from Chicago with a white mother ever to win a democratic state primary. Author of best-selling book, member in good standing in the most influential club in America--the F.O.O. (Friends of Oprah).
Possible downside with voters: Youth, inexperience, middle name is Hussein. More liberal even than Hillary.
Media bias: The NBC reporter assigned to cover the Obama campaign admitted to anchor Brian Williams that there were times he found it hard actually doing his job and reporting and not just outright cheering and pulling for the candidate. In one fell stroke, this guy affirmed every left wing media bias conspiracy nut and Bill O’Reilly Premium Member’s worst fears. Such an admission of bias would have made Lenin fire the editor of Pravda, but Williams didn’t even bat an eye, even going so far as to call his reporter’s admission “courageous.”
Not exactly the word the Clinton campaign would use as they realize the only ‘Hardball’ coming from NBC News will be directed at just their campaign while Chris Matthews will be swinging at Hillary like a Ritalin-crazed five-year-old at a piñata party.
Women reporters want to bear his children. Men reporters want him as their wing man.
Possible corporate donors: Don Imus Inc., General Electric.
Key constituencies: students, the Black Crusaders, Bill Clinton.
Keeps harping on: Change. Also needs 30 cents for that Zero bar he’s been eyeing in the Marriott lobby vending machine.
And finally...
Hillary Rodham Clinton of Chicago, Wellesley, Oxford, Little Rock,
Washington D.C., Westchester County and Washington D.C. again.
Accomplishments? Getting all her mail forwarded. Carpetbagger/Senator from
New York, former First Lady.
Possible downside with voters: Where do we begin? Possibly the first woman cuckold in history. Robot-like in everything but efficiency. A Stepford Wife, if the mad scientist was Bella Abzug. Could play the Yul Brynner role in a remake of ‘Westworld.’ Most men find her about as appealing as a firehose enema. Most women think she is a man.
Media bias: Ducked Fox News until loss in Iowa, goes on Fox News and wins New Hampshire. After learning her lesson she will now co-host ‘Hannity and Hillary.’
Possible corporate donors: Bust magazine, Snap-on-Tools, Whitewater Rafting Excursions.
Key constituencies: Women east of New Jersey, women west of Long Island, women north of Staten Island, women south of 125th Street.
Keeps harping on: Experience. Change. No, Experience. No, Change. Wait a minute, ahhhh, Change, No! Experience………Experichange!
“The Democrats.
Ladies first.
John Edwards.”
:) hee hee
That's funny enough the writers might want to end their strike.
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