My Weekly Date with a Liberal – ‘American Heart’

In my mind, I have received thousands upon thousands of emails from folks wondering why “My Weekly Date with a Liberal” is anything but weekly. This is certainly a legitimate question which deserves a legitimate answer. But who has the time to answer thousands of emails that were never actually written? So for this chapter, I’ve decided that I will address this issue right here, right now, by explaining the process which occurs between these dates, and more importantly, to relay a recent encounter I had with a liberal ~~woman~~, ~~girl~~, child, who unnerved me enough such that my response could very well put my anonymity in jeopardy. This will all make sense by the end of this installment which I am entitling “American Heart.”

I understood when I took on this project that I could easily suffer severe trauma, mentally, emotionally, spiritually…and sexually, although depending on your proclivities, the latter could be considered a bonus. Be that as it may, I am writing to let you all know, that the trauma I anticipated did in fact materialize in a way that has profoundly affected me: I have developed a strong affinity for night blooming jasmine,...

This guy is hilarious.

I especially liked his "Decompression Sickness Chart"

The results of my research proved to be more accurate and terrifying than I had anticipated. I discovered that by dating liberals in such close temporal proximity, I was suffering from a scarcely known social version of The Bends…clinically known as Decompression Sickness, (DCS). I was shocked to find that simply from dating liberals (some of which I have not reported) I was experiencing many, if not all of the symptoms of DCS.

DCS Type	Confirmed Jon David Symptoms
BENDS	Localized deep pain, ranging from mild to excruciating. Pain can occur immediately or up to many hours later.
SKIN BENDS	Itching usually around the ears, face, neck, arms, and upper torso Sensation of tiny insects crawling over the skin also known as formication. Not to be confused with fornication
NEUROLOGICAL	Confusion or memory loss Headache Unexplained extreme fatigue or behavior changes Nausea, vomiting and unconsciousness may occur Girdling abdominal or chest pain Urinary and fecal incontinence Abnormal affinity for night blooming jasmin

Very funny and well written.

Now for those of you unfamiliar with Venice, California, it is a place where Liberals roam free. Unattended. Unchecked. Unshowered. It was time to don my scuba suit. I was going down deep. I was fully pressurized and ready to secure my next date with a Liberal.

...

She opened the gate and what I saw made me less comfortable than if I had been running through the Swat valley screaming I’m a Jew.

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