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A Woman's "Choice" That Affects Men: Post-Abortion Trauma
Townhall.com ^ | June 20, 2010 | Jerry DeBin

Posted on 06/20/2010 6:03:19 PM PDT by Kaslin

Author's note: This piece is co-authored by Jeanne Monahan.

This Father’s Day will be a celebration for dads all over the country, an opportunity for children to thank and honor their fathers. Yet for many men, the memory of involvement in a past abortion, of “cards they will not receive,” will be painful and palpable.

In a debate where the primary focus is a woman’s body and a woman’s right to choose whether or not to carry a child to his or her delivery, the “other partner,” the father of the baby, is rarely given consideration, and is often completely disregarded altogether. The question of abortion is myopically women-centric.

Abortion advocates often mock pro-life men. Men are told they shouldn’t speak out because they can never become pregnant. Yet, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to acknowledge that two women cannot a baby make.

Less acknowledged is the fact that this decision deeply impacts the dad, too.

This year three Father’s Day cards will stand prominently on Jerry’s kitchen countertop, telling the wonderful story of the lives of his three grown children. But there is an empty space next to the cards which tells another story that continues to grieve Jerry and his wife, Dayna. Over thirty years ago, Jerry and his then high school sweetheart, Dayna, chose to abort two of their children.

Jerry deeply empathizes with any man who has taken the life of another human and lives daily with that burden and emotional trauma. The negative psychological impact of abortion on women has been well publicized, but less so have been the effects of abortion on men.

In researching the topic, we found a variety of books, websites and support groups dedicated to male post-abortion trauma, as well as a number of studies on the issue. One study reported that 82 percent of male parents of a recently aborted baby (ranging from two days to 37 months) experienced depression. Another study found that men experienced anxiety, helplessness, guilt, and a dual sense of responsibility and regret during an abortion. An additional study reported that many biological fathers need professional support in dealing with abortion and its impact on relationships.

According to Guy Condon and David Hazard, authors of Fatherhood Aborted:

The Profound Effects of Abortion on Men, post-abortive men suffer from a whole host of problems, including relationship struggles, inability to trust friends, rage, addictions and sexual compulsions, sleeplessness, bad dreams, nightmares, sexual dysfunction, depression, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and loneliness.

Fortunately, Jerry and Dayna’s story did not have a negative ending. They married after high school, but continued to be haunted by the unspoken grief and burden of the two children they had aborted. Ten years and three children later, they came to a crisis in their marriage where they needed to honestly confront the lingering effects of the two abortions. There were unresolved issues but they found helpful resources to successfully work through them and make peace with the past.

Having found hope in their grief and regret, they deeply wanted others to avoid making these same mistakes. They felt the best way they could do so would be to support young people facing similar tough decisions, and decided to start a pregnancy resource center in Prattville, Ala., in this effort. Having opened its doors in 1992, “Grace Place” PregnancyResource Center continues to thrive and serve young mothers and fathers experiencing an unplanned pregnancy even today.

Jerry and Dayna helped to start Grace Place to share truth about abortion, to give hope in situations that appear hopeless and to help restore the lives of men and women broken by abortion. They also discovered that the process helped complete the healing in their marriage and family.

An estimated 50 million abortions have been performed in the U.S. since the Supreme Court decision in Roe v. Wade. For each of those 50 million babies, there is a father. Even adjusting those numbers to allow for men who father more than one aborted child, the count of post-abortion men in America is easily 30 million. This Father’s Day let us honestly engage men in the conversation about abortion and its impacts on everyone involved. There remain significant, long-term consequences of Father’s Day cards that will not come this week … all across America.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Editorial; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: abortion; fathersday; males; postabortivewomen

1 posted on 06/20/2010 6:03:21 PM PDT by Kaslin
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To: Kaslin; Irisshlass; informavoracious; larose; RJR_fan; Prospero; Conservative Vermont Vet; ...

Thanks Kaslin!

(If you think this post was worth the ping, please join me in thanking Kaslin.)


2 posted on 06/20/2010 6:05:42 PM PDT by narses ( 'Prefer nothing to the love of Christ.')
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To: Kaslin

It would tear my heart out.


3 posted on 06/20/2010 6:09:46 PM PDT by cripplecreek (Remember the River Raisin! (look it up))
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To: Kaslin

Thank you and God Bless


4 posted on 06/20/2010 6:10:29 PM PDT by big'ol_freeper ("Anyone pushing Romney must love socialism...Piss on Romney and his enablers!!" ~ Jim Robinson)
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To: Kaslin
A ministry that helps these women who have had abortions




5 posted on 06/20/2010 6:18:42 PM PDT by Salvation ("With God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26)
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To: Kaslin

For the life of me, I cannot understand how a woman can
have a right to choose and a man cannot.
What right does she have to abort OUR baby, if it’s born
there is no doubt that the Man has a responsibliity to
it, the courts have constantly said so.

If the man decides for abortion and the woman refuses
he cannot force her under law.

Abortion is just wrong and by being unjust it creats
hurt for all involved.

Abortion is murder, 52 million strong.


6 posted on 06/20/2010 6:27:42 PM PDT by tet68 ( " We would not die in that man's company, that fears his fellowship to die with us...." Henry V.)
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To: cripplecreek
Yep, you don't hear the feminazis worried too much about the man who loses a child because of the selfish decision of the women. In fact, I wish the pro-life movement would use this argument more often.
7 posted on 06/20/2010 6:48:00 PM PDT by mrsixpack36
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To: mrsixpack36

this is one argument i do not buy unless the man is married to the woman. Otherwise he is just a spermdonor and has no right or issue here.


8 posted on 06/20/2010 6:55:43 PM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Chickensoup
The man is “just a sperm donor”? So unless they are married, the man has no rights?? You kidding me? If a woman murdered MY child via abortion I would be devastated, married or not. You have just lowered men to a lesser status than woman, but that is typical of our society—and court system.
9 posted on 06/20/2010 7:24:44 PM PDT by mrsixpack36
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To: mrsixpack36

If you are not married to the woman and you have sex with her you are a sperm donor. one of the great failures of western culture is the diminishment of marriage which has happened because people are given “rights” of marriage without the commitment.


10 posted on 06/20/2010 7:30:25 PM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: narses

Thanks, Kaslin. I see many men coming to the abortion clinics who don’t seem to have the fortitude to stand up to the mother of their baby and fight for the life of their child. Men do regret abortions. They just need to be more active in preventing them in the first place.


11 posted on 06/20/2010 7:30:48 PM PDT by Faith
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To: Kaslin

Thanks for the post.


12 posted on 06/20/2010 7:31:41 PM PDT by Faith
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To: Chickensoup

Which sucks when the sperm donor decides to marry the woman only to find out she already aborted the baby. Have heard that story too many times.


13 posted on 06/20/2010 7:36:53 PM PDT by HungarianGypsy
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To: Kaslin

” ... if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it ...”

Beyonce


14 posted on 06/20/2010 7:38:08 PM PDT by sabe@q.com (Yes, I'm a SW freak!)
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To: HungarianGypsy

Which sucks when the sperm donor decides to marry the woman only to find out she already aborted the baby. Have heard that story too many times.

Agreed that it stinks. But the sperm donor needs to keep his pants zipped. There is a responsibility there.


15 posted on 06/20/2010 7:53:13 PM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Faith; narses

You are welcome


16 posted on 06/20/2010 8:08:34 PM PDT by Kaslin (Acronym for OBAMA: One Big Ass Mistake America)
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To: Chickensoup

Women have the option of murdering a man’s child, and the man has no say. Marriage is important but really beside the point. It takes two to make a baby, yet only one is given any rights. What about the rights of the baby?


17 posted on 06/20/2010 8:37:59 PM PDT by mrsixpack36
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To: Chickensoup

So it is fine for the egg donor to abort, but not ok for the sperm donor to have a say in it?


18 posted on 06/20/2010 9:50:26 PM PDT by Controlling Legal Authority
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To: Chickensoup

So only the egg donor should have a say?


19 posted on 06/20/2010 9:52:58 PM PDT by Controlling Legal Authority
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To: Faith

Yes!!

I’ve been thinking that for awhile. We keep on focusing on the women, but neglect the fact that the man is a catalyst. Perhaps we need to start approaching infanticide from the point of view of male taboos. I do think that once it becomes completely socially unacceptable amongst guys to have a girl friend/wife end a pregnancy that we’ll be getting somewhere. Liken a male who goes along with infanticide to being a sissy or being cuckolded.

Male taboos can be the friend of the unborn. Real men don’t allow their babies to be terminated.


20 posted on 06/20/2010 10:28:28 PM PDT by RKBA Democrat (How many children are enough? One more....)
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To: Controlling Legal Authority

If both men AND women could keep their legs closed until they were married and ready to have children, it wouldn’t be a problem.

That’s what I did and I’m not a rocket scientist.


21 posted on 06/20/2010 10:33:37 PM PDT by derllak
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To: Chickensoup; mrsixpack36
one of the great failures of western culture is the diminishment of marriage which has happened because people are given “rights” of marriage without the commitment.

Exactly.

"Dating" these days (as opposed to what was called "dating" 50 years ago) doesn't mean getting to know someone through an extended period of social activities together (dinner, movies, sport/entertainment events, a kiss under the porch light, etc.) with an eye toward the possibility of the formal commitment of marriage. Instead, "dating" (not even "exclusive" dating) means full sexual intercourse, often without protection.

It's strange that most modern men approach a woman--even in a very casual relationship--with these demands and expectations, and then they are so surprised at the resulting pregnancy. I don't think this surprise is because sex education isn't being taught, I think it's because marriage isn't being taught.

22 posted on 06/20/2010 10:48:21 PM PDT by thecodont
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To: Kaslin; cripplecreek; fieldmarshaldj; GOPsterinMA; Perdogg

My cousin’s ex-girlfriend had an abortion and randomly told him about it much later.


23 posted on 06/21/2010 12:28:36 AM PDT by Impy (DROP. OUT. MARK. KIRK.)
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To: narses; Kaslin

THanks to both of you.


24 posted on 06/21/2010 4:08:58 AM PDT by afraidfortherepublic
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To: Chickensoup; HungarianGypsy; mrsixpack36

Describing a man as “just a sperm donor” is objectification.

It cheapens human life, just like describing a woman as “just a piece of @$$.”

A lot of life’s problems in this area could be avoided by recognizing a few very simple truths: women sell sex, and men are the buyers. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with that, as long as the price is high enough: true love, marriage, a lifetime of commitment.

Problems arise when it’s sold cheaply, or given away. The woman is perceived as stupid, or a slut; the man is seen as a genius.


25 posted on 06/21/2010 4:13:07 AM PDT by Philo1962 (Iraq is terrorist flypaper. They go there to die.)
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To: thecodont
I don't think this surprise is because sex education isn't being taught, I think it's because marriage isn't being taught.

Very good point and well said.

26 posted on 06/21/2010 4:16:20 AM PDT by afraidfortherepublic
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To: mrsixpack36

I am not argueing about the morality of abortion, I think it is wrong.

What I am saying is when a man is given rights to a child without the benefits of marriage, it cheapens marriage and eventualy eradicates marriage and thus, social stability.


27 posted on 06/21/2010 5:17:47 AM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Controlling Legal Authority

I am not arguing the morality of abortion, I think it is wrong.

Women are more than donors if the child is grown in her body. Men have little physical cost to pregnancy and childrearing. Marriage is the door that has traditionally given men legal access to their children. Marriage is more important to society and commitment to chldren’s well being than any other institution.

Men need to keep it zipped until they are married.


28 posted on 06/21/2010 5:20:54 AM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: thecodont

I think it’s because marriage isn’t being taught.

You understand what I am trying to say!

Marriage is not being taught because marriage has been marginalized and has become irrelevent in the face of “rights”.


29 posted on 06/21/2010 5:23:15 AM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Philo1962

A lot of life’s problems in this area could be avoided by recognizing a few very simple truths: women sell sex, and men are the buyers. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with that, as long as the price is high enough: true love, marriage, a lifetime of commitment.Problems arise when it’s sold cheaply, or given away. The woman is perceived as stupid, or a slut; the man is seen as a genius.

The man would be less of a genius if he had no access or claim to children of marriageless sex or of adultery. Both men and women would be seen as stupid sluts.


30 posted on 06/21/2010 5:27:05 AM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Kaslin

Thank you so much, Kaslin.


31 posted on 06/21/2010 6:11:59 AM PDT by MozarkDawg
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To: MozarkDawg

You’re welcome


32 posted on 06/21/2010 6:14:55 AM PDT by Kaslin (Acronym for OBAMA: One Big Ass Mistake America)
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To: tet68; mrsixpack36; Controlling Legal Authority; Philo1962

And thank you, tet68, mrsixpack36, Controlling Legal Authority and Philo1962.


33 posted on 06/21/2010 6:20:16 AM PDT by MozarkDawg
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To: Chickensoup
Here's a flaw in your theory: a married woman may abort her husband's child, the law allows it, society does not condemn her for it and because it's *her body*, he has no say so whatever, but is left to grieve alone.

Not all men are inherently without conscience or consideration, and I see it as unfair to paint with the broad brush that you do.

34 posted on 06/21/2010 6:26:09 AM PDT by MozarkDawg
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To: Impy

Was the fetus/baby your cousin’s?


35 posted on 06/21/2010 7:10:16 AM PDT by GOPsterinMA (Soetoro Snoozes, Oil Oozes)
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To: MozarkDawg

Here’s a flaw in your theory: a married woman may abort her husband’s child, the law allows it, society does not condemn her for it and because it’s *her body*, he has no say so whatever, but is left to grieve alone.
Not all men are inherently without conscience or consideration, and I see it as unfair to paint with the broad brush that you do.

I did not say that this is a good or correct law. Married men have interest in their wives pregnancy. I never said that men are without a conscience, I said that they should wait for marriage and keep it zipped. In my perfect world an unmarried man has no claim on an infant.


36 posted on 06/21/2010 7:15:28 AM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: GOPsterinMA

Yup. He wondered why the hell she would tell him, long after.

It really made him think about the issue.


37 posted on 06/21/2010 7:49:29 AM PDT by Impy (DROP. OUT. MARK. KIRK.)
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To: Impy

Sounds like she was confessing, to get it off her chest. But, was this an attempt to hurt your cousin?


38 posted on 06/21/2010 8:04:01 AM PDT by GOPsterinMA (Soetoro Snoozes, Oil Oozes)
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To: RKBA Democrat
Real men don’t allow their babies to be terminated.

Amen! That, plus a great picture, would make a dynamite billboard.

39 posted on 06/21/2010 12:35:20 PM PDT by Faith
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To: Chickensoup
this is one argument i do not buy unless the man is married to the woman. Otherwise he is just a spermdonor and has no right or issue here.

If the man has no rights over whether the child is born, then he should have no responsibilities at all towards the child either.

There was a scene in the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife" where the guy decides to have a vasectomy because he couldn't deal with his wife's miscarriages. The wife in the movie treats it as an unforgivable offense against her rights. I couldn't help thinking, that if the script had had her deciding to be sterilized, women would have been outraged of the guy had objected to her exercising her reproductive choice.

40 posted on 06/21/2010 1:03:46 PM PDT by PapaBear3625 (Public healthcare looks like it will work as well as public housing did.)
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To: derllak
If both men AND women could keep their legs closed until they were married and ready to have children, it wouldn’t be a problem.

It would still be a problem. If a married women chooses to have an abortion, or have her tubes tied, the husband's wishes are legally irrelevant.

41 posted on 06/21/2010 1:09:26 PM PDT by PapaBear3625 (Public healthcare looks like it will work as well as public housing did.)
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To: PapaBear3625

If the man has no rights over whether the child is born, then he should have no responsibilities at all towards the child either.

I absolutely agree.


42 posted on 06/21/2010 1:13:20 PM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: Chickensoup

I understand your thinking but I can’t quite go along with it. If a woman chooses to NOT abort her child suddenly the “sperm donor” is liable for child support. He has financial obligation in the one case but no voice if she makes the opposite decision. Men who are really only sperm donors are not expected to support a child.

All too often married men are no more than sperm donors who DO have financial obligations. I know one right now who is living with the wicked witch of the East because he is afraid she will go back to Indonesia with their two daughters. The girls are American citizens but he has been advised by an attorney that if she leaves him the courts will almost certainly allow her to take the girls back to Indonesia with her. Marriage is stacked against men now.


43 posted on 06/21/2010 1:26:38 PM PDT by RipSawyer (Trying to reason with a leftist is like trying to catch sunshine in a fish net at midnight.)
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To: RipSawyer

I understand your thinking but I can’t quite go along with it. If a woman chooses to NOT abort her child suddenly the “sperm donor” is liable for child support. He has financial obligation in the one case but no voice if she makes the opposite decision. Men who are really only sperm donors are not expected to support a child.

All too often married men are no more than sperm donors who DO have financial obligations. I know one right now who is living with the wicked witch of the East because he is afraid she will go back to Indonesia with their two daughters. The girls are American citizens but he has been advised by an attorney that if she leaves him the courts will almost certainly allow her to take the girls back to Indonesia with her. Marriage is stacked against men now.

Marriage comes with financial obligations to wife and child and rights to the children that I believe are only accessable to all parties with marriage. Social engineering law is bad on all sides. IF you read upthread you will see that I think that unmarried men should have no financial obligation and no rights to children born without marriage.


44 posted on 06/21/2010 3:38:34 PM PDT by Chickensoup (The Acting President....is an incompetent puppet of Soros.)
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To: GOPsterinMA

I didn’t get the sense it was a very serious relationship.


45 posted on 06/22/2010 4:04:55 PM PDT by Impy (DROP. OUT. MARK. KIRK.)
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To: Impy
Maybe the ex-gf had an epiphany. It's between her and The Man upstairs.
46 posted on 06/22/2010 4:44:40 PM PDT by GOPsterinMA (Soetoro Snoozes, Oil Oozes)
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To: Kaslin

It’s not discrimination against men to allow them no say in whether a woman has an abortion. That’s only the logical end of the pro-abortion position.

Think about it. Pro-abortionists do not ascribe humanity to the unborn. They don’t recognize an unborn baby as a child at all; of course they won’t recognize him as somebody’s child. They call a baby a “blob of cells”, and act as if eliminating him is the equivalent of having an appendectomy. Who would require a woman to get her husband/boyfriend’s permission before having an appendectomy?

You can’t really say, “A man should have a say in whether or not his child is killed!” He shouldn’t. Neither should a woman have a say in whether her child is killed. A child has the right to live and the man’s view on the matter is as irrelevant as the woman’s.

I realize that it’s very hard for men to be powerless to stop the abortion of their children. But by all logic, there are two positions: One, a fetus is a blob of cells with no humanity, and it’s up to the woman whether or not she wants it growing in her body. Two, the fetus is a human baby and it’s up to neither the woman nor the man.


47 posted on 06/22/2010 8:41:29 PM PDT by Irish Rose (Will work for chocolate.)
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