Posted on 12/11/2010 6:34:23 PM PST by ancientart
Holiday music wafted in, and the appeals board director asked Paul to close the door.
Santa's last reply - a long, hand-crafted letter, in splendid script - lay open on the table.
“He won't even follow directions for the appeals letter,” sniffed June, a board member. “We've asked him to address the board via e-mail and fill out specific forms, but he refuses!”
Macomber, another panelist, spoke up. “Santa likes letters. They are homey and personal. He will never send an e-mail.”
The other panelists looked at Macomber with pity, and the director gave a grimace-like smile.
“If he'd comply with the regulations, he'd save himself time,” the director said. “Instead of writing lengthy letters - possibly with non-union, elfish labor - he could have simply complied with our requests.
“He must justify what he does, with something measurable, quantifiable. It's not enough for him to fly haphazardly here and there, delivering gifts. He must be accountable. He must conform to standards.”
Macomber ventured further. “What he does is make children happy,” be began but was quickly silenced by Paul.
“How do you know he makes children happy? Where are his goal statements? Where are his performance measurements? Where are his operational plans? Where are the practical tactics and rigorous strategies for improving safety, on-time performance and delivery results?”
June nodded vigorously. “That's right. He hasn't once submitted his completion level reviews or filled out his Five Dimensions of Delivery Leadership forms. He gives no post-Christmas review data and doesn't even seem to think it's necessary! He won't submit to annual postal worker exams to demonstrate he is highly qualified, and frankly, he hasn't made any effort to satisfy the board on these matters.”
Macomber tried to speak but couldn't.
Paul said, “He has yet to provide clear, tangible, attainable, concise, observable, relevant, clearly understood and measurable goals. Without measurable goals, we can't see if he meets those goals. We can't see how he meets even standard expectations. For Santa, there is no transparency of performance. None!”
“Worse,” said the director, “is the way he laughs off constructive suggestions. It would make sense for him to move his operation from that isolated spot at the North Pole to a place with plenty of transportation options. Someplace like St. Louis. St. Louis would offer highways, rail hubs, airports, even barges. In the North Pole, he just has his ancient get-up with the reindeer. Not at all efficient. But he won't listen.”
Paul agreed. “If he is to keep operating, Santa must provide evaluation forms from every household receiving gifts. The 40-question survey will only be a first step, of course.
“Santa receives compensation for his deliveries, mostly in the form of cookies and milk. We must demand records. We must require tax ID numbers and more regulation. Compliance is not optional.”
The director added, “We've also collected reports of animal neglect. One of his reindeer sports a consistently red nose. Santa refuses to let the ethics board monitor that situation.”
June looked hard at Macomber. “Santa is a lawsuit waiting to happen.”
Macomber brightened. “I don't think Santa's in our jurisdiction. We have no authority over him.”
“Wrong!” said the director. “If he flies here, he must follow our regulations. If he's over our air space, he must obey all rules and take all required precautions.
“If you want to fly, you must comply! Full body scan, too, before boarding his sleigh. Unless he's compliant, he's a clear and present danger. Santa must be measured and reined in!”
Macomber fingered a crushed candy cane in his pocket. The “present-danger,” he thought, was not coming from Santa.
Maybe if Santa leaves them a Major Award they will ease up some.
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