Posted on 10/28/2011 5:09:34 AM PDT by Kaslin
Kate Bolick stares out at the world from the cover of The Atlantic magazine. She's wearing a black lace evening dress. "What, Me Marry?" asks the headline. She isn't smiling.
In fact, she isn't smiling in any of the photos that accompany her several thousand-word essay on singleness, marriage and the changing nature of dating and mating in America today. Bolick, 38, is groping toward accepting the idea that she may never marry. She badly wants to convince herself -- and us -- that older ideas about "unhappy" spinsters are silly cultural baggage best dropped off at the curb. And yet, there are those glamour shots -- Bolick behind the wheel wearing a fetching red dress; Bolick in a gold evening gown holding a glass of champagne; Bolick in a black cocktail dress -- but her expressions range from pensive to sad -- never happy.
Bolick seems genuinely conflicted about marriage. The daughter of a committed feminist, she marched off to third grade "in tiny green or blue T-shirts declaring: A WOMAN WITHOUT A MAN IS LIKE A FISH WITHOUT A BICYCLE." She recalls that when she was cuddling in the back seat of the family car with her high school boyfriend, her mother turned around and asked, "Isn't it time you two started seeing other people?" She took it for granted, she writes, "that (I) would marry, and that there would always be men (I) wanted to marry."
So sure was she of the limitless romantic opportunities available that at the age of 28, she broke up with a wonderful boyfriend. They had been together for three years. He was "an exceptional person, intelligent, good-looking, loyal, kind." Why did she discard him? "Something was missing."
Ten years later, she writes somewhat (though not entirely) ruefully "If dating and mating is in fact a marketplace . . . today we're contending with a new 'dating gap,' where marriage-minded women are increasingly confronted with either deadbeats or players."
There is a great deal of interesting data in this piece. According to the Pew Research Center, 44 percent of Millennials and 43 percent of Gen Xers think marriage is becoming obsolete. As of 2010, women held 51.4 percent of all managerial and professional positions, compared with 26 percent in 1980. Women account for the lion's share of bachelors and masters degrees, and make up a majority of the work force. Three quarters of the jobs lost during the recession were lost by men. "One recent study found a 40 percent increase in the number of men who are shorter than their wives." Fully 50 percent of the adult population is single, compared with 33 percent in 1950.
But these trends, however interesting, shed only an oblique light on the problem of the decline in marriageable males. Bolick edges closer to the truth in her discussion of sex.
"The early 1990s," she writes, "witnessed the dawn of the '"hookup culture"' at universities, as colleges stopped acting in loco parentis (actually they relinquished that role in the 1970s) and undergraduates . . . started throwing themselves into a frenzy of one-night-stands." Some young women, she notes, felt "forced into a promiscuity they didn't ask for," whereas young men "couldn't be happier."
According to economist Robert H. Frank, "when available women significantly outnumber men . . . courtship behavior changes in the direction of what men want." And vice versa. If there's a shortage of women, the females have more power to demand what they want, which tends to be (surprise!) monogamy. On college campuses, women outnumber men by 57 to 43 percent.
But economic analysis can take you only so far. Men's capacity to insist upon promiscuity rests completely on female cooperation. And women have been foolishly compliant for decades.
They've conspired in their own disempowerment, not because they love their sexual freedom (though a few may), but because people like Gloria Steinem and Ms. Bolick's mother convinced them that the old sexual mores, along with marriage and children, were oppressive to women.
The resulting decline of marriage has been a disaster for children, a deep disappointment to reluctantly single women and unhealthy for single men, who are less happy, shorter-lived and less wealthy than married men. The sexual revolution has left a trail of destruction in its wake, even when its victims don't recognize the perpetrator.
My sister threatened to throw me off her doorstep if I ever did that and I'd never darken her doorway again. Notwithstanding that she has women friends from Honduras, India, and Guatemala!
Didn't Eddie Murphy do a hilarious skit about that? Something about Bush-woman or such and not letting here get corrupted. Ended up with her being coached by a feminazi wife of one of his buddies: "Eddie, you must give me half!".
Beautifully said, with a picture of a beautiful soul.
Bfl
Yup. Hefner, Friedan, and Steinem formed an unholy trinity, each determined for different reasons to take down the American family. You’re right that Friedan launched her effort because she was a Marxist who hated the happiness of American life and the strength of American families.
Tell your son he was lucky, even though it’s not going to feel that way. When a girl says a guy is “too nice”, it usually means that they are not ready for any kind of real commitment. They’re looking for a guy that will excite them and fulfill some fantasy of a thrilling romance. Until they realize that men are real people and can’t be that fantasy all the time, they probably won’t be happy with any guy for too long.
It left out: Entitled, promiscuous, masculine, and yes, FAT.
Okay, I see that those traits are mostly covered by your list, but I had to add my two cents.
My all-time favorite comment was from a spinster feminist who told me that by marrying "one of THOSE people", I was depriving a "good white girl here at home" a husband. How enlightened.
My take was that she was a decent-looking, 39-year-old gal. However, it wasn't her age that made her unattractive.
I read her article. while dripping with regret, it was 100% pure, neurotic, self-centered feminist poison. She's a nightmare inside. Any single man would be crazy to marry her. She's too blind to realize it, but she's totally past her expiration date for the marriage market, and she has nothing to offer but misery.
Her former boyfriend, who she dumped at 28, should thank his lucky stars that he got away.
Thanks, and I think you hit the nail on the head. She seemed to really enjoy his company until he got serious with her. He was looking for a wife and she was looking for a good time.
She might look a little past it. (smirk)
Of course, I meant Lovey still looks pretty good on the GI reruns. Should have clarified my first statement.
I’ve known that the legal system, both in the law and in
practice is hostile to [almost all] men, but I did not know
that the judges were overwhelmingly female. I suppose I
could check this out.
I don’t like the imbalance of men and women on campuses,
not one bit. Not sure what to recommend to do about it
though. I loathe and despise the way the women students
dress, or don’t.
According to my calculations, she would have been 28 about
2000. ISTR recall media articles about shortage of men
for women over 30 before that. At one time, any woman
over 25 would have realized the time had come to think
seriousl about marriage.
There’s a catch in the “career woman” scenario that I
saw on Laura Wood’s Thinking Housewife blog IIRC. Once
the woman reaches 40+ she gets pushed out all too often.
[yes, there is age discrimination against men too, I am
well aware]
Excellent. But risky to say that.
My sincere thanks for the post, bc the FR comments are
worth much more than the article.
I know all I need to know about Marcuse, and will look
up Maslow as soon as I can. [Have been muchly suspicious
about him and his theories for nearly decades now but
at one time couldn’t find much. ]
In case anyone here missed it there’s a big push on to
favor women over men in STEM fields. There was even an
article about in in Chemical and Engineering News about
5 years ago. This is, for those unacquainted with the
periodical, is extraordinary. The chemists of my
acquiantance, (both men and women, but not a large total
number) were all appalled and apprehensive.
The favored women, in whatever field do look down on
the disfavored men, with exactly the results you describe.
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