Posted on 04/14/2012 5:44:08 PM PDT by reaganaut1
...
In a nationwide survey conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, “You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along.” About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce.
But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages — and more likely to divorce — than couples who do not. These negative outcomes are called the cohabitation effect.
Researchers originally attributed the cohabitation effect to selection, or the idea that cohabitors were less conventional about marriage and thus more open to divorce. As cohabitation has become a norm, however, studies have shown that the effect is not entirely explained by individual characteristics like religion, education or politics. Research suggests that at least some of the risks may lie in cohabitation itself.
As Jennifer and I worked to answer her question, “How did this happen?” we talked about how she and her boyfriend went from dating to cohabiting. Her response was consistent with studies reporting that most couples say it “just happened.”
“We were sleeping over at each other’s places all the time,” she said. “We liked to be together, so it was cheaper and more convenient. It was a quick decision but if it didn’t work out there was a quick exit.”
She was talking about what researchers call “sliding, not deciding.” Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope
(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...
We lived together before we got married. That was over 31 years ago. When our daughter got married the first time, we talked her out of living with the guy. Turns out he was the devil’s spawn and did horrible things, like try to kill her.
When she met her current husband, we attempted to talk them out of living together, but after her very bad experience, and the fact that it didn’t hurt us any we lost the argument. They lived together for 6 months before they were married. They are doing GREAT and so are we.
Correlation != causation. People who move in together for the wrong reasons marry for the wrong reasons. The wife and I lived together first, 20th wedding anniversary was last month and the relationship gets better every day.
That old saying doesn’t work anymore and kids know it. A small amount of common sense should tell you that refusing to give milk for free doesn’t accomplish a damn thing when 80% of all cows on the planet ARE giving the milk for free. You need to retire that saying and come up with a new one.
Being middle aged and never married, I can tell you from personal experience that refusing to shack up seems to make you single for life in this day and age.
The problem with that old saying is that it comes from the mistaken view that sex is the only thing in a relationship. Real lifetime relationships are about sharing, teamwork and companionship, which you’re probably giving from day one, probably even with people you’re not having sex with.
Because it is a life long free pass to a man’s wallet. Men know this and they do not want to hand out that pass for free to just anyone.
Divorce.
..................that refusing to shack up seems to make you single for life in this day and age..................
Well good on you!
My daughter, age 44 in NYC, professional and beautiful, has dated so many men, yet remains single. To my joy!
As an artist, she has dated so many artistic losers, has bedded many of them, yet has been descernable enough not to follow her father’s legacy of falling in love with sex, not the person.
Good on her!
So the point seems to be that they should sell their sexual favors-- the guy should whip out his wallet and plunk down the going market rate for the sexual favor he wants. This puts a market value on sex which is wrong in the first place. Why stop at sexual favors and put a market value on everything. That we we have nothing to do with each other unless it is for pay. Gee, sounds like a fun world. Religion, and Puritanism in particular, has so screwed up women and humanity in general. Maybe -- just maybe -- Dad's generation was full-on wrong.
And the women should also be required to open their purses and plunk down money for the sexual favors they want from men by exactly the same reasoning. And marriage is reduced to some kind of exclusive monetary-based two-way monopoly. Yuck.
There’s nothing good about it. I consider never-before-married people like myself as useless losers. For women its even worse since their “expiration date” happens at a younger age. Your daughter’s life is an utter waste. I see nothing for you to brag about.
My parents were not thrilled we us living together, but my dad really and truly does like his son in law - and absolutely adores his only grandchild - who wouldn’t be around if it weren’t for that said son in law!!!!!!!1
Dad totally despised my first, even when we were just “dating,” - he has liked this man from the first time he met him.
All I can say is that I finally grew up and married a man like my dad! Well, with the same sense of humor :-)
I don’t understand why you would think that. I have an “old maid” aunt who is in her mid70s, and I would not consider her a useless loser. She taught school for more years than I have been alive. (I am 40 something.) she took all of her nieces and nephews on trips around the country and the world. We would not have had such opportunities without her initiative. She taught us to appreciate literature and theater and food. She is by no means perfect. Hah. She is a liberal for some inexplicable reason. Her views on most things are so conservative. I can only guess that it has to do with teacher unions and how she was influenced by their fearmongering.
.....................Your daughter’s life is an utter waste..............................
No, my daughter’s life would be an utter waste if she had children to a male who did not love her, nor who she loved. And, then trying to raise kids without a father.
Her father was stupid for getting married because it felt good - it felt much better getting divorced - except for the impact to the young children.
If you haven’t gone through that emotional roller-coaster, you may have a hard time relating to a parents delayed anguish for the emotional impact on their children.
I’ll carry my guilt to my son and daughter to my grave!
That’s funny! Our son-in-law reminds me a lot of my husband when he was younger, but they are still different enough that it’s not weird. ;-)
right
You lived in sin for 10yrs!!! OMG!!!
How could you possibly be happily married?
If you do not create and train your replacements to be decent productive people, you have failed. Your children are your replacements. If you live your entire life without giving society any respectable replacements, you are in some ways no better than the trash who live off of public assistance their entire existence.
That milk must have gold in it.
Does that milk belong to someone other than the cow? If so, I guess it should be paid for somehow.
Wow. I dated my wife for 3 years and I thought I was slow but 10? :-)
Right on! 80% do it therefore the other 20% must do it.
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