I definitely agree with all you’ve I’m a life long bumbler too who is here by the Grace of God only, so I’m very partial to how you’ve stated that.
I think a battle of Good and Evil is just over the horizon too.
Have you had a sense of the Holy Spirit pulling tighter around your soul this year, more significantly than in previous years? Just curious. It happened to me around the middle of this summer, concurrent with an illness that knocked me out of work for 3 weeks... it was a garden variety bronchitis but the treatments the doctor prescribed made my health worse in various ways. When I couldn’t stick it out at work (I first tried to work part days) I had a distinct sense of laying my pride down and accepting the Lord’s will and soon I felt like I was getting pulled into spiritual victory. A crazy way to have it happen, but sometimes God has to knock our pride down like that for us to accept the love.
Also I wouldn’t call you “heartless” (unless you mean that as an irony). Your heart embraces different things than the world does.