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Posted on 11/25/2013 9:12:37 AM PST by Jim Robinson
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant’s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team’s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
Toss down some bucks folks! The $’s are shrinking by the minute in your wallet. Spend them for a good cause while they still have some value!
humor bump
How you can tell if you’re a Democrat, Republican, or Southern Republican.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me.
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Southern Republican’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist
Stop me before I hurt someones feelings.
Too late!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”
“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
"Per FReeper I_be_tc's 300/100 challenge, FR is looking for 300 loyal FReepers to donate $100 or more per quarter.
By contributing at least $100 per quarter or $400 per year to Free Republic, you may become a member of the "300 Club."
Counting the $100 Donation we received a little earlier tonight from our CALIFORNIA FReeper, we now have 182 donations of $100 or more!!
Thank you ALL very much!!
If you send in or Donate $100 or more, please send Jim a note to add your screen name to the 300 Club Roster!!
Unfortunately, way too many of you very generous Donors are way too shy and humble about adding your name to this important list!
300 Club
17th Miss Regt
4integrity
Axelsrd
basil
Bon of Babble
BooBoo1000
Boomer One
BuckeyeTexan
ButThreeLeftsDo
CitizenUSA
ConorMacNessa
credo2
DaveArk
deadrock
Ditter
Elderberry
Enterprise
EXCH54FE
Fiddlstix
FlyingEagle
Gator113
Gene Eric
glock rocks
GopherIt
Graewoulf
GRRRRR
GunsareOK
houeto
I_be_tc
Jane Long
jazusamo
Jimmy Valentine
jmaroneps37
John 3_19-21
Kathy in Alaska
KSCITYBOY
kvanbrunt2
Lancey Howard
LibLieSlayer
Little Bill
MarMema
Movemout
novemberslady
onyx
Overwatcher
OwenKellogg
PA Engineer
penelopesire
Ragnar54
RedMDer
Roccus
Ron C.
Rushmore Rocks
Ryn
small business owner
spacejunkie2001
SpeakerToAnimals
spna
The Cajun
TheOldLady
Tijeras_Slim
toomanylaws
tubebender
upchuck
wardaddy
whinecountry
xzins
Zuben Elgenubi
Per FReeper I_be_tc's 300/100 challenge, FR is looking for 300 loyal FReepers to donate $100 or more per quarter. By contributing at least $100 per quarter or $400 per year to Free Republic, you may become a member of the "300 Club."
You may contribute any combination of monthly and/or one-time contributions by Credit Card, Mail-In Check, Money Order or PayPal to reach this goal.
DONOR NAMES ARE ADDED TO THIS LIST ONLY BY REQUEST OF THE DONOR.
Please contact Jim Robinson if you’re a $100 per quarter Donor and would like your name to appear on this List! Thanks very much and thank you for your loyal support of Free Republic!
Special Thanks To Ron C. For His Help With The List.
Table Format and Background Graphics Made By: Fiddlstix
Wait for it,,,,,,,,
ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a “pocket Taser” for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned,however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time;
I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.....
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master.” Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-BITCH....
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point),I collected my wits, (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Pat
Oh how precious, Onyx!
Bump!
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Thanks for that, (I think)...
:)
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