Skip to comments.Hooters and Terrorism: Wonder Woman & BCCI ("I, Bubba" book excerpt)
Posted on 09/17/2001 2:07:38 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
Back in 1991, shortly before I announced my candidacy for President, I became an avid viewer of the BCCI hearings broadcast on C-SPAN. Most of you probably don't even remember those hearings even though BCCI (Bank of Credit and Commerce International) was the biggest banking scandal in history. And why don't you remember that scandal? Because most of you find the intricacies of the banking business BORRRRRRRIIIINNNNNNG!!! As a matter of fact, I find most of the banking business (except when they give me money) incredibly dull myself.
So why was I watching the BCCI hearings? I give you the answer in two wordsWONDER WOMAN. If any of you had bothered to watch the BCCI hearings, you would have immediately noticed that sitting behind a creepy looking lawyer involved in the BCCI scandal along with Clark Clifford, former Secretary of Defense, was the lawyer's wife, none other than Wonder Woman herself.
Wonder Woman wasn't the first hot looking chick to sit behind her husband during a televised congressional investigation. That honor goes to Maureen Dean, wife of John Dean, during the Watergate Hearings. Whatever you think of John Dean, you have to admit that Maureen Dean was really hot. Come to think of it, she might even have been a hooker according to a book called Silent Coup. Hmmm . . . Why didn't I ever invite Maureen up to the Lincoln Bedroom?
But as sexy as Maureen Dean was, Wonder Woman is in a whole other league. I mean we're talking about a former Miss World here . . . . A MAJOR PIECE OF A**!!! Plus you remember that tight little Wonder Woman outfit she wore on her TV series? There has never been a sexier looking woman on any TV series before or since the Wonder Woman shows.
Anyway, while watching those BCCI hearings, all I could think of was getting together with Wonder Woman. Oh, Gennifer Flowers and Miss Arkansas were fine but I would have dropped them both in a heartbeat for just one roll in the hay with that amazing Amazon. Oh Yes! TIE ME UP WITH YOUR MAGIC YELLOW LASSO!!! Oops! Maybe you better not do that. The magic yellow lasso makes you tell the truth. That might be going a little too far even if it means getting some Wonder Woman action.
I was watching those BCCI hearings (actually just Wonder Woman) when Hillary got a bit suspicious. Hillary tends to get suspicious about everything I do that is slightly out of the ordinary routine. If I jog outside a little too long, she immediately suspects I'm boffing some bimbo. And, come to think of it, in the case of Gennifer Flowers she was right.
Fortunately I had a plausible excuse for watching the BCCI hearings. I told Hillary it was because one of the big guys bankrolling my campaign, Jackson Stephens, was the banker who initially facilitated the first purchase of an American bank (First American Bank in Washington, D.C.) by BCCI back in 1977. At the time, BCCI had been involved mainly in Middle Eastern and Third World countries. With the help of Stephens, BCCI was able to penetrate the USA. Stephens was also the biggest single client of Hillary's Rose Law firm. And who personally handled the Stephens account? None other than Hillary's boyfriend, Vince Foster, who later committed "suicide" in Fort Marcy Park in July 1993. Therefore my excuse to Hillary was that I was monitoring the hearings for any information that might concern us through our Jackson Stephens connection. Of course, the real reason I was watching the BCCI hearings was to get a woody staring at Wonder Woman in the audience.
So what was all this scandal bit about BCCI? If you had watched the BCCI hearings on the tube you would have probably fallen asleep before you learned much. However, if you had watched and were able to tear your eyes away from Wonder Woman's incredible hooters, you would have found out that BCCI was all about money laundering, bribery of public officials, and financing illegal arms sales and terrorism. In other words, underneath all the drab testimony by Clark Clifford and Wonder Woman's creepy little hubby, the BCCI scandal was chock full of interesting stuff.
Let's take money laundering. In the movies, when a drug dealer sells some coke, the deal is done. This is also true in real life for smaller deals. But what happens when a big drug dealer, let's call him Marco Traficante of Columbia, sells $10 million worth of La Cocaina? You can't just hide $10 million under your mattress. The safest place is to put that amount of money in a bank. On top of that it can earn you a lot of interest.
The problem is that you can't just deposit $10 million bucks without arousing suspicion. Marco Traficante can't just say it was money earned from the sale of drugs. No, he has to have a way of making it seem like it came from a legitimate enterprise. This is where money laundering comes in. You need the cooperation of a user friendly bank to provide money laundering services. Most banks in the USA don't provide such a service because they are under constant regulatory supervision. The most they'll do for you is give you a free CD player if you open an account with them.
However, in the case of banks such as BCCI, they are more than happy to make Marco Traficante's drug money appear as if it were earned from the importation of Billy Bass toys to Kuwait or from emu oil distillation in Australia or something else equally mundane. The plus for BCCI and similar banks is that they will get BILLIONS in deposits from happy drug dealer clientele all over the world such as our not-so-fictitious Marco Traficante.
I won't go into the intricate details of how BCCI type banks launder money but in general it involves an intricate series of linked transactions to hide the original illegal source of the funds. By the time the money laundering process is complete, the money no longer even appears as belonging to Marco Traficante (although he still controls it). Instead it looks like the funds of an entity with an inauspicious name like Acme Holding Trust Corporation. This sounds much less suspicious that calling the account by the more accurate "Marco Traficante's Drug Deal Dough."
So how did BCCI get away with money laundering and buying up U.S. banks starting with the original bank sale facilitated by my own money man, Jackson Stephens? It's called bribery. Public officials were bribed to look the other way as BCCI spread its tentacles into many countries. In Third World countries this was an easy task since virtually all public officials there are on the take. In Europe and North America, the matter of bribery is a bit more problematic . . . but not by much.
Gone are the old days when you could just hand a politician a brown bag full of money. Remember Spiro Agnew? What a jerk he was! He actually took bribes in the form of that old-fashioned brown bag way. Agnew sure deserved to go to jail. Not so much for taking bribes but for being so stupid about it.
Nowadays bribery can take much more subtle (and harder to trace) forms such as campaign contributions or deposits in offshore bank accounts such as my whole-chicken-swallowing brother-in-law, Hughie, took for facilitating one of my pardons. Even better than these methods is to fix it so that the wife of say, a certain governor, earns $100,000 on a $1000 investment in less than a year in the cattle futures market.
Yes, officials can be easily bribed to turn a blind eye when an international bank launders money or bilks its depositors of their savings as happened with BCCI. And even if the money laundering transactions are investigated, the intricacies of those transactions are so dull that the public never gets outraged. I mean, can you picture some bar where a patron asks the bartender to switch the TV channel from a baseball game to the BCCI scandal? How much do you want to bet that such a scene never happened?
The BCCI hearings featured a plethora of arcane banking details that quickly glazed over the eyes of most viewers. Because I knew the public would never pay attention to these hearings I was able to relax. No way anybody could wade through that maze of banking details and link me or Hillary to BCCI despite our connection to it via our money man, Jackson Stephens. All I could think about was biting Wonder Woman's luscious lip and maybe putting some ice on it.
It was right while I was watching the BCCI hearings that I hatched my Wonder Woman Shtoop Plan. I knew that the hearings would reveal that Clark Clifford and Wonder Woman's hubby were involved in a scheme to allow BCCI to purchase First American Bank, of which they were officers, in a shady deal in which they both profited to the tune of several million bucks. I also had a good feeling that I would beat George "Read My Lips" Bush in 1992. Now you're probably thinking that I would allow Wonder Woman's hubby to go to jail for his unscrupulous banking activities while I consoled the grieving Wonder Woman in some very private sessions? Wrong.
I did just the opposite. I arranged for Clifford and Wonder Woman's creepy husband to get mere slaps on the wrists after I became President. (Remember, I fired all the Justice Department attorneys after entering office and replaced them with my own people.) An appreciative Wonder Woman hubby practically shoved his wife into my arms as a result. On top of that I even got Wonder Woman's hubby to fork over thousands of bucks in campaign contributions on many occasions. Now that's the way to do things! Shtoop some guy's hot wife and make him pay for the privilege at the same time. Sure, Wonder Woman was getting bit long in years and was a little sloppy in the sack due to her heavy boozing but she was still Primo A**!
And, just as I figured, the massive BCCI banking scandal just sort of sputtered out due to boredom. Not too long after the hearings, Jackson Stephens came in real handy when he loaned my primary campaign a much needed $3 million loan. Bigmouth Gennifer Flowers revealed our affair and almost derailed my campaign. I was forced to hold hands with Hillary on 60 Minutes while denying the affair. It seemed to work when I came in second to Paul Tsongas in New Hampshire and proclaimed it a victory. However, I was desperately short of funds due to the lousy campaign finance restrictions and definitely needed a win in Florida. That's when Jackson Stephens came to the rescue with that "loan." `
While that dope, Tsongas was whining about me being a "Pander Bear" in his ridiculous Elmer Fudd voice, I was able to blindside him with that campaign cash infusion which I wouldn't have been able to do if folks had been paying attention to the role of my money man, Stephens, in the BCCI scandal. Anyway, that served Tsongas right for sticking to the silly campaign rules since I was able to outspend him in Florida by a country mile. And I sure got a great laugh when Billy West on the Howard Stern radio show did a hilarious impression of Tsongas doing an impression of Elmer Fudd.
God, that really cracked me up! I really love listening to Howard's show. If only Howard Stern had the savvy to give me a big campaign contribution I would have gotten the FCC off his case. Unfortunately, Howard didn't come up with any money so I was forced to let the FCC crack down on him. Of course, now that I'm out of office, I pray that the FCC doesn't drive Howard from the airwaves since I'm a big fan of his show.
Hey Howard! If I bring Wonder Woman to your show, do you promise to let me watch while you paint her massive breasts?
Since you asked ... Good work! Someday, likely by dribs and drabs, his legacy will be so thoroughly trashed as to be worthy of nothing but mental erasure. X42 who?
I must confess, though I find your song lyric writing skills a bit lacking, I am filled with admiration for your other well demonstrated talents. ;-)
If only Wonder Woman would say that to me.... Anyway I'll continue typing up Clinton's book, "I, Bubba." One big reason is I want to find out from him why, if he had Wonder Woman and Sharon Stone action, did he even bother with Monica?
Must have been younger than her hubby? Pics anyone?
Uhh ... so Lynda Carter (the REAL Wonder Woman - See above) was his wife or just looked like her?
Enquiring minds are confused? I had to search to see who the "real" WW was to post this - I do have to admit that say as a young sprat when channel-surfing I would get stuck on the WW show but never was a true fan so don't know much about her.
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