Posted on 10/04/2001 6:53:12 PM PDT by RippleFire
Bowles 2002
October 4, 2001
To: Campaign Staffers ***For your eyes only***
Now that I've announced that I am running for Senator from North Carolina, it's time to get this campaign going!!!!! The bad news is, of course, that everyone thinks I am a Clinton lap dog. But the good news is that I have done a package deal with the Clintons to come to North Carolina to support my campaign! Yeah! Here is what the deal looks like - everyone pay special attention.
The A Team
Bill Clinton: Bill provides major firepower for the primary where our nation's first black president will put Dan Blue out of the race in no time. In the election itself, he also will attract the soccer moms who still get squishy whenever they see him. I had to make some major payments to his library and retirement funds in order to book him for a number of personal appearances, so I want to get full value. This means I don't want to see any women at his appearances who are not senior citizens or skanky welfare mothers. We don't need any reminders of past indiscretions, OK? One other thing, now that he is out of office, Bill's nose looks like the welcome sign at a state line brothel in Nevada! Make sure there is a makeup artist arranged for every event.
Hillary Clinton: We will use Hillary for the fruits and nuts crowd at all the universities. She didn't want any money since she will be furthering her White House ambitions and all her expenses will be paid by the US Senate, but I promised her we would arrange "personal bonding experiences with girls with alternative lifestyles" at each campus she visits. We need "safe houses" for each night on campus for the bonding process to proceed in private.
Chelsea Clinton: Unfortunately Chelsea is dumb as a stump, and I have to pay for her trips from Oxford, but I had a brainstorm. We all know Chelsea has taken up smoking and looks like a pig - what would create more interest among North Carolina farmers than a smoking pig? Book her into every rural county of the state!
The B Team
Tony and Hugh Rodham: I have hired Tony and Hugh at $20K/month each as campaign consultants, but we won't be seeing much of them because Hillary says they are involved in some undercover work with the Gambino crime family in NYC related to WTC souvenirs. If they do show up, keep them out of sight and let me know ASAP!
Roger Clinton: Bill says that Roger needs some help jumpstarting his career since his earning power went in the dumper with Bill out of the White House. Bill says his new musical act will really appeal to rednecks. Unpleasant as it is, I will have to court the redneck vote, so I have signed Roger to provide some musical whistlestop tours. It didn't cost much, but I definitely do not want him booked into any town with over 2000 population. Also the campaign handlers MUST provide a full bar and copious supplies of "Peruvian Marching Powder" - we don't want anyone going out on their own to look for "supplies", do we?
Finally, all our consultants say "Erskine Bowles" doesn't really trip off the tongue, so we have decided to come up with a "down home" sounding nickname. After much thought, the name we decided on is "Buttboy" Bowles. And our campaign slogan will be: "Wouldn't you rather have a Buttboy in the Senate?" With a slogan like that we can't lose!
OK, everyone - get out there and make it happen!
Sincerely,
Buttboy
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