[jmp702]

Some of these are pretty funny

[Free the USA]

LOL bump

[FourPeas]

Bump!

[zencycler]

A TALIBAN FARMER: You bought two cows from your neighbor, who has 10,000 cows. Since they're both females, you mistreat them and completely cover their bodies in sackcloth even during the summer (lest they be spotted by your other neighbor, a lonely Taliban farmer). One cow endures this treatment, and gives milk anyway, but the other cow becomes sick, and gives no milk. Since you do not have a vet, you ask Mullah Mohammad Omar, who tells you that your rich neighbor must be a devil worshipper and has cast an evil spell on one of your cows. At his urging, you start a jihad against your neighbor, by sending wild animals into his land to take revenge on his cows, who succeed in killing a few of his cows before they're killed themselves. When your neighbor learns of this, he kills the Mullah, takes back his cows, and you spend the next 10 years working off your debt for the cows you killed.

As for the sick cow, your neighbor has it treated by the local vet, and it becomes one of the best milk producers of the herd.

[harry palmer]

HILLARY CLINTON: You have two cows. And they both look like Webster Hubbell.

[nonliberal]

SURREALIST: You have two giraffes...Dude, you gotta try this milk!

[zencycler]

BILL CLINTON: Everyone else says you have two cows. Despite this, you insist you have four. Some believe this is due to a drug-induced hallucination that makes you see double. But most others believe you're mistaking your wife, Hillary, and your mistress, Monica for the other two cows (understandable). When asked if this explains your mistake, while you don't outright admit it, you do say that it depends upon the definition of a cow.

[zencycler]

OLD MACDONALD: You have one cow. Most days is says "moo moo". But sometimes it says "Ee Ay Ee Ay Oh"

[BigBadWolf]

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

LOL! No joke, my German relatives will end up taking three vactions before I take my next one.

[Orion]

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Only if Maria Bartiromo and CNBC are covering your Cow.com corporation.

"Earnings are a relic of the past. You have to value companies in a different way these days." - CNBC staff

[zencycler]

ALBERT GORE: You have spent your whole life raising a prize cow, hoping to take first prize at the millenium state fair. When the day arrives for your cow to be judged, you only take second prize. You spend endless days and nights asking for recounts, trying to disqualify the votes of some of the judges, and claiming that your cow really won. Meanwhile, during your long obsession with the outcome of the contest, you fail to notice that your cow has run off. You go off in search of your cow, hoping to find it before the next state fair.

[Orion]

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

The price of your milk you sell goes down by 75% in the span of one year, yet you produce more and have enough inventory and production to supply 85% of the world's market during the last "boom" year. Unfortunately, you only have 15% of the market share in a drastically decling market. You are set up to lose over $2B in a calendar year on revenues of about $2B. Mooria Bartiromo hypes your stock on CNBC and people bid up your stock to be almost as valuable as General Motor's stock.

Can you say "MU?"

[Orion]

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Actually, you have two cows, and your neighbor has two cows. You earned yours and your neighbor received his from the gov't. The Democrats propose to give one of your cows to the neighbor to buy votes (a vote which the dems will get 95% of the time). The Republicans offer to give your neighbor both cows to buy that vote. The end result is the neighbor still votes for the Dem (and has 2 cows, and sold the other two to buy drugs, booze, and cigarettes) and you vote for the Reform party because the GOP can't keep its promises. The GOP can't figure out what happened.

[Orion]

A LIMOUSINE LIBERAL: You have 100 cows. The great unwashed have two cows, and the downtrodden only have one cow. You feel REAL bad over this inequity, so you vote to take one of the cows from the great unwashed and give it to the downtrodden. You keep your 100 cows and hire a private security firm to shoot any great unwashed who dare to look at your cows. You have Barbara Streisand sing at a benefit for the politicians who implemented your plan.

[SusanUSA]

Bump to read first thing in the morning. Looking forward to it!

[zencycler]

THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN: You have one healthy young cow, three older raggedy looking cows, and you keep one bull penned up, and have been trying to get rid of him for years. One day, while you're all at a government conference, the bull breaks through his pen and has his way with one of the good looking cows. When you return and learn what has happened, you are outraged. You convince the cow that this was an act of violence, butcher the bull, and abort the unborn calf so that the cow is not inconvenienced. You teach the other cows to join you in ridiculing the younger cow, to help them and you feel better about being unattractive.

[TheyConvictedOglethorpe]

THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS: You have two cows. You let them walk to the farm next door and buy two old cows from the farm down the road. The cows you used to have produce ten times as much milk as they did when you had them. The cows you have now produce one-tenth as much milk as they did on their old farm.

[zencycler]

AN ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST: You have 2 cows on an organic farm. You don't use pesticides, hormones, or any other form of agricultural technology. You don't make a lot of money, but you feel very warm and fuzzy about how well you treat your land and your cows. But then a consortium of trusted liberal scientists working on Global Warming figure out that Cow Farts are actually the primary cause of the growing holes in the ozone layer. After careful consideration, you decide you'll kill your cows the next day to do your part to help save mankind. Two friends of yours - one an Animal Rights Activist and the other a Vegetarian - overhear you discussing your plan, so they kill you in your sleep to protect the cows.

[zencycler]

AN ATHIEST: You have two cows, but you don't spend much time on the ranch, because your too busy arguing with your Hindu neighbor about the futility of worshipping cows, or any other gods for that matter. And when you're not arguing about the folly of cow worship, you and a group of atheist ranchers are pressuring Congress to restrict the religious oppression that occurs anytime the Boy Wonder appears in print or on film saying "Holy Cow, Batman."

[lawgirl]

This is funny and it reminds me of where my mom works--my mom works for a swiss guy that married an american woman. They moved to switzerland and she HATED IT! (duh) and she wanted to move back. He says to her "then I'll have to open our own business b/c i am not working for some american company where I only get 2 weeks of vacation a year!" Apparently they get 6 weeks in Switzerland.....whatever!!

[zencycler]

JANET RENO: You have two cows that always give lots of milk. But when you try to milk the cows, somehow you can't seem to get the milk into the bucket.

(Hey, Robert Reno can make fun of Rush going deaf, so I can poke fun at his sister having the shakes).