Rudolph the Red Cell Terrorist:

Texas Mercury ^ | December 25, 2001 | UPYRS Wire

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Rudolph the Red Cell Terrorist: Mysterious White-Bearded "Bomber" Downed by US Air Force Over the Dakotas

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Air Force officials working out of the Cheyenne Mountain facility confirmed today that American F-15E fighters engaged and shot down a suspected terrorist aircraft. Powered by eight reindeer, the sled-like contraption entered American airspace via Canada, and refused to flash its IFF code, a radio signal that identifies aircraft to ground controllers.

"It was a tough call," Air Force Colonel and F-15 pilot John Maser said while describing what happened. "There we were: an unidentified flying object had entered our defense zone, and upon closer inspection, the craft’s pilot turned out to be a bearded man of foreign origin. We couldn’t be sure of his intent, so we initially withheld fire. But, once he began what looked like suicidal dive for a house’s chimney, we felt we had no other choice but to bring him down."

The pilot of the mysterious craft survived and was quickly arrested by local officials in North Dakota, but he then escaped and is now at large.

"I thought our security was airtight," explained Sioux County Sheriff John Jacob Jinglehammer. "We took extra precautions with this particular prisoner because he was a real troublemaker. Kept threatening us with coal. He really pissed off my secretary when he referred to her, not once, not twice, but three times as ‘ho.’"

"We’re still trying to figure out how he got out," the Sheriff continued. "From what my officers told me, he put a finger on his nose, wriggled it and in a twinkling he was gone, right up the heating vent, just like that."

The FBI has begun a massive manhunt in the region around Fargo, North Dakota. The fugitive, federal officials report, is a short, fat Caucasian man with a long white beard. He can be easily spotted, they say, because he’s dressed all in red. They also say that he answers to the name ‘Kris’, but they’re not sure if that is his real name or just an alias.

In this effort, the FBI has also turned to some outside help. The ADL, the ACLU and the People for the American Way have all sent experts to assist in the capture of the white-bearded fugitive. Said Abe Foxman, chairman of the ADL, "We have a unique talent for hunting down figures just like the suspect, especially around this time of year, and seeing to it that they’re put away, well out of the public’s eye. This guy’s no different. If he’s out there, we’ll find him and bring’em down."

Foxman later addressed his troops, telling them, "Your fugitive’s name is Kris Kringle. What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard target search of every classroom, office building, public park, schoolhouse, courthouse, outhouse and doghouse in this area."

Other groups, however, are not being so cooperative. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) filed a protest with the Defense Department. A PETA spokesperson claimed the organization was deeply offended by the Air Force’s destruction of the sled’s reindeer. Said spokesperson Lola Flufflebeam: "Obviously, the paramount tragedy in this whole incident are the reindeer. Did they have to die? Flying reindeer are a rarity. Their deaths cannot be undone."

Also reported dead are fifteen children who were crushed in an orphanage by the falling reindeer carcasses. Ms. Flufflebeam declined to officially comment on this, saying her organization needed to investigate the matter more fully before expressing regret. She did say on the side, though, that it was a pity, because one would think that a child’s body should provide enough cushion to break a reindeer’s fall.

Finally, the PETA representative chided the Air Force for their mistreatment of the reindeers’ remains: "We are aghast that the Air Force would so disrespectfully give the carcasses to homeless people in exchange for their ‘squeegeeing’ aircraft windshields. Have they no shame?"

Air Force spokesman Lt. John Schaeffer later confirmed that, indeed, they have no shame. This is particularly true, he added, when they are on leave in the Philippines. He also issued an apology to the family of Bill Winnamaker, one of the aforementioned homeless persons who fell asleep in the intake of the F-15 he was cleaning. Apparently, the start-up was a bit rougher than normal, but the sterno in Winnamaker’s carcass made for excellent engine performance later. Defense Department officials are now investigating the possibilities of developing a new ‘after-bummer’ fighter, and New York City Mayor Rudolph Guliani promises his city can provide all fuel supplies the Air Force would need.

Schaeffer also allayed earlier concerns about the alleged terrorist being armed with nuclear material. There were fears that the bearded figure had a "dirty bomb" because his lead reindeer’s nose was glowing red. Schaeffer now reports that the glowing effect is not from an excess of plutonium, but rather rum-laden eggnog.

President Bush later issued a statement about the shoot-down through his spokesman, Ari Fleischer, which read: "I’ve been informed about the incident, and I hear that the perpetrator was a jolly, old elf. I urge all Americans in this time of crisis to unite, and I urge them to fight bigotry. This is not about elves; elves are a good and peaceful race of mythological creatures. Be tolerant of your pointy-eared neighbors, even if they don’t exist."

Most Americans have heeded the president’s call, but one hate crime has occurred. A surly mob of neocons severely pencil-whipped a Mr. Puck outside the offices of the Weekly Standard.

"Morons!" exploded the excitable Mr. Puck. "You would think they could tell by my wings that I’m a fairy, not an elf."

Later, New Republic editor Andrew Sullivan retracted his condemnation of the Weekly Standard for gay-bashing after he was informed that Mr. Puck was not that kind of a fairy. Said Sullivan, "Oh, sorry then, Bill [Kristol]. Give’im a whack for me too, would you?"

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Hee, hee. That's funny. Merry Christmas!