Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
Yup, my people are from UCLA: Upper Corner of Lower Alabama...
I was telling my 6 year old about the Civil war. He asked who had won, North or South, and when I replied North, he exclaimed in a shocked voice,"We Lost?"
I then had to tell him his parents were both ex-yankees.
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.Don't buy food at this store.
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.
When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits
You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!
Oh sure. If you say it with a southern accent...
That's a little too BDSM for me. hehehehehe. There are sickos out there that like this.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.
Truly, a moon pie is as fine a confection as mankind has ever devised.
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