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Things a Cat Must Remember: A to Z,twice
email | 1-18-02 | N/A

Posted on 01/18/2002 5:02:25 AM PST by hobblemaster

a.. My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

b.. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

c.. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

d.. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

e.. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

f.. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

g.. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

h.. I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

i.. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

j.. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

k.. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

l.. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

m.. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

n.. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

o.. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

p.. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

q.. I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

r.. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

s.. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

t.. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

u.. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

v.. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

w.. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

x.. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

y.. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

z.. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

aa.. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

ab.. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

ac.. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

ad.. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

ae.. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

af.. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

ag.. Computer and TV screens do not exist to back-light my lovely tail.

ah.. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

ai.. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

aj.. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

ak.. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

al.. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stays in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

am.. I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

an.. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

ao.. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

ap.. I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

aq.. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

ar.. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

as.. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"

at.. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

au.. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

av.. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

aw.. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

ax.. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

ay.. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

az.. I will not use a freshly made salad as a bed when my human is entertaining dinner guests. Apparently my hair is not as good as sprouts.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
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Like cats are this selfless.
1 posted on 01/18/2002 5:02:25 AM PST by hobblemaster
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To: otterpond
Ahem. :)
2 posted on 01/18/2002 5:12:50 AM PST by Joan_of_Argghh!
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To: hobblemaster
Picked up a cat earlier this week at our local animal shelter. He's approx. 3 years old, a short hair, rust colored and full of himself. He replaces a 20 year old cat we lost last October. We are still undecided as to a name, I know, I know, we already thought of Rusty ... any other suggestions?
3 posted on 01/18/2002 5:16:41 AM PST by BluH2o
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To: BluH2o
He's approx. 3 years old, a short hair, rust colored and full of himself.

Only one thing comes to mind, BOSS

4 posted on 01/18/2002 5:21:11 AM PST by hobblemaster
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To: BluH2o
Lo Mein, Chop Suey, and after my cat: Alpo
5 posted on 01/18/2002 5:23:47 AM PST by camle
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To: Joan_of_Argghh!
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

This must be a new rule. Mine doesn't seem to know it.... :)

6 posted on 01/18/2002 5:25:02 AM PST by otterpond
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To: BluH2o
Well, there's "Oxide". We had one named "Spork".
7 posted on 01/18/2002 5:25:35 AM PST by tacticalogic
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To: BluH2o
Roquat or Ruggeydo.....
8 posted on 01/18/2002 5:25:58 AM PST by otterpond
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Comment #9 Removed by Moderator

To: BluH2o
Give the kitty a few days. Often they suggest their own names, metaphorically speaking, after a few days of acquaintance.

aaa) And I will remember not to claw the bathroom door molding into kindling, since humans do like closed doors upon occasion.

10 posted on 01/18/2002 5:33:32 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: mewzilla
I don't understand it. I've got a calico that's too lazy to sharpen it's claws on anything but me.
11 posted on 01/18/2002 5:38:00 AM PST by steve50
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To: otterpond;camle;hobblemaster
Our last two cats ... Rigby (the 20 year old calico) named after Kathy Rigby and Slim (a 15 year old), we lost two summers ago ... was board thin when he first came to live with us ... so the name came easily. Keep the names coming, they're all possibilities ... we're open. What do you think of FReeper?
12 posted on 01/18/2002 5:40:42 AM PST by BluH2o
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To: BluH2o
My husband went over to a friends house last Friday and came home with a 4 month old kitten. The friends neighbor had moved and left him behind.

The little thing was just fur draped over some bones. Husband said he'd take him back if I didn't want to keep him. By that time the kitten was draped around my neck, purring as loud as he could and had his head buried against my neck. Ok, I guess I'm a sucker and we really need two dogs, two cats and a hedgehog.

13 posted on 01/18/2002 5:41:45 AM PST by barker
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To: tacticalogic
Well, there's "Oxide". We had one named "Spork".

Iron oxide as in rust? Spork is unusual ... haven't heard that one before ...

14 posted on 01/18/2002 5:44:38 AM PST by BluH2o
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To: steve50
Well my little Baby (he's 15 pounds and is named after the leopard in the movie Bringing Up Baby) has adamantium tipped scimitar claws. And he likes to use them. His next favorite scratching post is a denim pant leg, but only when there's a human in it. If it isn't stuffed with a people, the jeans are safe.
15 posted on 01/18/2002 5:45:32 AM PST by mewzilla
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To: BluH2o
HOw about Iron Will?
16 posted on 01/18/2002 5:49:43 AM PST by mamarainsberry
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To: BluH2o
Just don’t name the cat Sunshine. My wife had a cat named Sunshine and I had to call it in every time it was raining. I felt like an idiot, standing in the rain and yelling, “Sunshine, Sunshine, come on Sunshine.”
17 posted on 01/18/2002 5:49:53 AM PST by Heartlander
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To: hobblemaster
We have a Scooter, Ami, Bissey and Goober
18 posted on 01/18/2002 5:52:03 AM PST by SAMWolf
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To: BluH2o
All the animals I've had in my life have earned their names.

For instance, we named or cat "Spaz" and, 13 years later, his name still fits.

Just watch, I good name will come to you...

19 posted on 01/18/2002 5:53:29 AM PST by ez2muz
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To: barker
... purring as loud as he could and had his head buried against my neck.

When I picked up our cat at the animal shelter ... they had a variety to choose from ... and our guy seems to appreciate I chose him, he's been on his best behavior and follows me nearly everywhere. They know how to charm humans ... we're so easy.

20 posted on 01/18/2002 5:53:38 AM PST by BluH2o
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