TODAYS SATIRICAL NEWS HEADLINES -- APRIL 19, 2002

Iconoclast.ca (Top Headlines section) ^ | April 19, 2002 | The Iconoclast

[Apolitical]

O.J. SIMPSON SAYS HE CAN'T PAY LAWYERS' $204,000 OWED THEM FROM CUSTODY BATTLE FOR HIS CHILDREN. INSISTS HE'S BROKE, AFTER SPENDING ALL HIS MONEY ON HUNT FOR 'REAL KILLERS' OF NICOLE SIMPSON AND RON BROWN.


Celebrity murder suspect, O.J. Simpson, photographed at the height of his fame

"I'll get those killers yet," insisted a determined O.J. at a hastily-organized press conference held in the decrepit offices of his P.R. firm which hasn't been paid for years. "It's eaten up all my savings, but I won't give up the search until the real murderers of Nicole are brought to justice!"

Mr. Simpson denied his financial problems had anything to do with his refusal to work anymore, for fear that any money he makes will be seized to satisfy the outstanding 33.5-million-dollar civil judgment owed by him to the families of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

"Seaching for the killers of my wife is my full-time job now," O.J. told reporters. "Though a guy's got to take some time off to play golf, snort some, er, stuff, and have some fun with the ladies".

"I'm sorry I couldn't pay my lawyers," Mr. Simpson continued. "But if they intend to make too big a fuss about this, I hope they realize what sometimes happens to big mouths who cross The Juice. It could happen to them or their closest family members at any time, for example some night when they're answering the door, or taking out the garbage, or walking their dog -- a sudden knife in the back, a slit throat, a......Did I tell you I won't give up the search for the real murderers of my wife and her, er, friend?'

Wiping the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief, the now agitated ex-NFL running back excused himself and said he had to leave immediately, to attend a meeting with his anger-management counsellor who hasn't been paid for years.

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GEORGIA REP. CYNTHIA MCKINNEY -- WHO SPARKED A STORM OF CONTROVERSY BY CHARGING THAT MAYOR GIULIANI WAS WRONG TO REFUSE A SAUDI PRINCE'S CONTRIBUTION TO A 9/11 FUND -- IS NOW SUGGESTING THAT PRESIDENT BUSH KNEW ABOUT THE 9/11 ATTACKS IN ADVANCE. SAYS THAT DESPITE BEING PRE-WARNED, BUSH DIDN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE HIS RICH FRIENDS STOOD TO PROFIT FROM THE SUBSEQUENT MILITARY BUILD-UP.

THE OUTSPOKEN DEMOCRATIC CONGRESSWOMAN ALSO CHARGES THAT RICH PEOPLE WERE BEHIND CHURCH BURNINGS IN THE SOUTH -- THEIR CONSTRUCTION COMPANIES BENEFITED FROM SALVAGE AND REBUILDING EFFORTS -- AND RICH PEOPLE HAVE ALSO BEEN BEHIND THE SPREAD OF THE COMMON COLD VIRUS (THEY OWN SHARES IN PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES CHURNING OUT COUGH AND COLD REMEDIES).

"Rich people are the scourge of the earth," Rep. McKinney told reporters gathered in the living-room area of her deluxe Four Seasons hotel suite in Atlanta, paid for by funds from the congressional travel budget. "You name the social ill, whether it's poverty, traffic congestion or smelly sewers," she continued. "Rich people are behind it, because they live to profit from the ills of the poor in our society."

When asked to define what she meant by rich, she said anyone -- other than a dedicated black congresswoman -- earning more than $35,000 a year. "Karl Marx had the right idea," she commented. "The rich should all be thrown in concentration camps...or was that Adolph Hitler? Never mind. They're all supporting that bumbling bozo, George W. Bush. And that's enough proof for me of a new Republican conspiracy afoot to undermine the existence of poor people everywhere in America".......

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FEW CONDOLENCES FROM U.S. REGARDING DOZEN CANADIAN SOLDIERS IN AFGHANISTAN KILLED OR GRAVELY WOUNDED BY LASER-GUIDED BOMB DROPPED ON CANADIAN ALLIES BY TRIGGER-HAPPY U.S. FIGHTER PILOT. ADMINISTRATION TOO BUSY APPEASING IMPORTANT ALLIES LIKE SAUDI ARABIA AND EGYPT.

"We're very disappointed by this unfortunate accident," stated Private Phil 'Nutsy' Newsome, speaking on behalf of the U.S. armed forces in Kabul. "That was a complete waste of a very, very expensive laser-guided bomb, for no good reason. We can't have important war materiels like this squandered in such an unproductive fashion on a regular basis. You have our asssurances that this won't happen again"

After impatiently answering the questions of Canadian reporters for another three minutes, Private Newsome ended the press conference and returned to his latrine duties for the day.

U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell was unavailable for comment. "He's in a private meeting now, sucking up to some Arab ambassador or other," revealed an aide. "And then he's got an important meeting with the Kuwaiti Prime Minister's brother-in-law, and then the two-hour lunch at the Four Seasons with the Saudi ambassor to the U.N. It's tough job keeping our allies happy. Too bad about those Canadian guys. Wrong place at the wrong time, I guess."

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was too busy watching CNN's non-stop coverage of the arrest of actor Robert Blake to answer Canadian reporters' questions. Aides did say he was unhappy about the accidental bombing of Canadian forces in Afghanistan and was looking forward to Court TV's extended coverage of Blake's arraignment on murder charges next week.

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NATION OF ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN TO VISIT THE MIDDLE EAST 'TO RESOLVE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND MUSLIMS'. WHILE ON HIS TRIP, THE CHARISMATIC MINISTER ALSO INTENDS TO CURE WORLD HUNGER, ERADICATE POVERTY AND WRITE A WINNER SITCOM FOR EX-SEINFELD STARS.

SAYS HE HAS ADVANTAGE IN DEALING WITH MUSLIMS IN HIS MIDDLE EAST NEGOTIATIONS SINCE HE'S BEEN A RABID ANTI-SEMITE FOR YEARS. BELIEVES HE WILL ALSO WRITE THE FINEST POST-SEINFELD SITCOM YET BECAUSE HE IS CONSTANTLY SAYING THINGS EVEN STUPIDER THAN WHAT KRAMER SAYS ON SEINFELD (INCLUDING HIS STATED INTENTION TO RESOLVE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ISRAELIS AND MUSLIMS).

"If anyone can ably represent the oppressed Palestinian people in their negotiations with the repressive, greedy Jewish store owners in the Middle East, it's Louis Farrakhan," the outspoken Muslim black activist told reporters. "Those Jews are always trying to put one over on you, like giving you the wrong change, watering down the vodka they sell you, or accusing innocent Palestinians teens of shoplifting when they're just browsing."
As part of his peace mission, Farrakhan will first present a million-signature petition of support for Yasser Arafat from the New York City black community, before flying to Mecca to hold talks with Mecca chapter of The Grand Council of Wahhabi Clergy Against Murderous Matzoh-eating Jewish Infidels.

"Sure a lot of the signatures on that petition are forged," admitted the earnest Nation of Islam leader. "And maybe three-hundred thousand individuals purportedly signing the declaration are actually dead. But otherwise, the beleaguered black brothers of the United Slaves of America are 100% behind their oppressed Palestinian brethren, well maybe 37% if you include all the blacks who don't belong to the Nation of Islam, but who's counting -- this is really just a question of basic morality!"

Reverend Farrakhan will return to United States next week to attend a fundraising benefit for potential 2004 presidential nominee Al Sharpton and to have dinner with Senator Joseph Lieberman..........

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MICHAEL JACKSON IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE. PAWNED $2 MILLION WATCH TO RAISE CASH.

IN TWO DAYS, SPENT ALL THE MONEY ON FOOD FOR HIS PETS.

DESPERATE SINGER NOW CONSIDERING HAWKING HIS UNIQUE COLLECTION OF PURE GOLD PEE WEE HERMAN FIGURINES. ALSO WANTS TO TEAM UP WITH JESSE JACKSON TO FORM NEW HIP-HOP SINGING GROUP, THE JACKSON TWO.


Financially-strapped Michael Jackson accompanies Elizabeth Taylor
to the her bank, hoping she'll withdraw some cash for him too.

"Reports that Micheal Jackson is in some sort of financial or other trouble are totally untrue," stated his spokesperson Mark Kreepie. "Granted, his new CD is a total bomb, his face appears to be perpetually peeling, and he's a very strange guy, especially when he's playing with his Barbie dolls.

But thanks to his purchase of the Beatle's music catolog several years ago, Mr. Jackson is set financially for another three or four days.

"After that he's going to run out of money, and I'll be out of a job. So who really cares."

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BILL CLINTON TO STAR IN UPCOMING EPISODE OF 'WEST WING'. WILL PLAY PART OF LYING, PHILANDERING, SELF-ABSORBED DEMOCRATIC POLITICIAN. SAYS ROLE WILL BE A STRETCH, BUT THINKS HE CAN PULL IT OFF.


Bill Clinton rehearses his part on 'West Wing' as
a lying, philandering, self-absorbed Democratic politician.
Says role is difficult, but thinks he can pull it off.

"You see. I'm lying through my teeth right now and you suckers believed me," Bill Clinton laughingly told entertainment reporters at a well-attended 'West Wing' promotional event at a L.A. strip club. "Now that's good acting. I knew all the time that the role I'm playing is really a composite representation of my career; but I fooled you guys into thinking I didn't have a clue of how close it comes to my life story -- except, let me tell you guys, I got a lot more action in real life than this character."

The affable ex-President said he will donate the $500,000 he received for his guest stint on 'West Wing' to his favorite charity, 'Lesbian Mothers Against Drunk Republican Drivers'. "These gals do a fine job of discrediting drunk Republicans everywhere," commented Mr. Clinton. "And I want to commend Ellen DeGeneres in particular for her fine work on behalf of the victims of these irresponsible Republican fat cats who pay no taxes on their riches, and sit around and drink all day, and plot how to run down poor people. That woman is a saint, and pretty hot stuff in the sack too Anne Heche tells m--What's that, Aaron? Oh yes, time for me to run. I've got a legacy to take care of ".......

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PENTAGON PLAYS DOWN REPORTS OF BIN LADEN SIGHTINGS. SAYS SIGHTINGS OF TALL, HAIRY ARABS IN SUBURBAN SHOPPING MALLS A COMMON OCCURRENCE. BUT IN MOST CASES, USUALLY TURN OUT TO BE BEARDED HASSIDIC JEWISH BASKETBALL PLAYERS.

ALSO DENY RUMOUR THAT BIN LADEN ATTENDED THE ACADEMY AWARDS AS MEG RYAN'S DATE. STILL CLASSIFY BIN LADEN AS MISSING IN ACTION, ALONG WITH GWYNETH PALTROW'S BREASTS.

"Rumors that Bin Laden has been spotted hanging out in Miami Beach gay bars, that he obtained a visa under the name of Bernie Bin Laden and is now running the U.S. immigration service, or that he has been adopted by Rosie O'Donnell, are all patently false," claimed a Pentagon spokesperson. "The truth is that Osama Bin Laden has completely disappeared, and it is likely that the only thing that would convince him to go public again would be an interview with Barbara Walters on 20/20".......

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MORE THAN 100 LEFT-WING EUROPEAN ACTIVISTS, INCLUDING PROMINENT FRENCH ANTI-GLOBALIZATION ACTIVIST, REMAIN IN WEST BANK TOWN OF RAMALLAH IN SHOW OF SUPPORT FOR OPPRESSED PALESTINIAN PEOPLE. SAY THEY WILL ACT AS HUMAN SHIELDS AGAINST ISRAELI TANKS AND TROOPS, UNLESS ISRAELIS CHOOSE TO SHOOT AT THEM, IN WHICH CASE THEY WILL HIDE.

"It's just like the hated Israelis to despoil the pristine environment of the West Bank with exploded tank shells and bullet casings," exclaimed Europe's leading environmentalist crusader and political philosopher, Ferdinand Foucault. "The world weeps for the egalitarian paradise that has been lost here because of Israeli aggression. And we will remain here, chained to Yasser Arafat's wife, until Israel agrees to permanently withdraw its forces from Palestinian territory, or until Israeli soldiers brandishing guns ask us to leave. Either way, this is a heroic gesture by the cream of European intellectualdom to signify their enduring solidarity with the beleaguered Palestinian people, and we will not be moved, unless of course we are threatened in any way and then we're getting out of here -- as fast as we can!"

Jose Mopes, the celebrated French anti-globalism activist and author of The Protocols of the Globalists of Zion', told reporters: "The Israeli assaults on the offices of Chairman Arafat are a direct result of the evils of globalization. These unprovoked assaults have been mandated by the evil, corporate global oligarchy that runs the world and strives to oppress little people everywhere... And speaking of little, did you ever meet Yasser Arafat in person? He really is tiny! He looks like an Arabic lawn ornament. But his wife is a good looker, isn't she...And so I pledge to anti-globalization supporters all over the world that we will remain chained to the Chairman's wife until justice is finally done here and the forces of American-inspired imperialistic greed are defeated, or until guys with yamalkas and automatic weapons come on the scene, at which point we're getting out of here and flying back to Europe"..........

[Apolitical]

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