Solving The Problems In The Mid East

Last week, Wild Bill the Farrier came over to help me pull the shoes off my bred mares and trim up their feet. We admired last year's mule foals and speculated on this year's crop. Our conversation eventually turned to the world's current problems.

"This whole mess," said Wild Bill, "has nothing to do with these people being Muslims. If there is one thing I've learned in 40 years of working cattle and wrestling horses, it's how to spot a crazy animal. They have a certain look about 'em, and once you've seen it, you better learn it. If you don't, you won't be healthy in this trade for very long."

"Anyway," he continued," these Islamic fanatics have that same look. They are crazy to the core. If they belonged to the Rotary, they would send suicide bombers to the Kiwanis Pancake Day. I don't care if they are Muslim or Mormon or Methodist. They are going to be trouble. Based on my experience, there is only one way to cure a varmint that is crazy to the bone."

"Oh no,' my husky horse-shoer replied." There's no need for anything that extreme, and unless you fried every last living one of them you still wouldn't cure the problem. The problem is psycho genetics, and that would still exist."

I looked at Wild Bill with what must have been a sense of confusion, for he took it upon himself to explain in more detail.

"Look, if you go to the sale barn and buy yourself a bunch of eared heifers (editor's note: For you urbanites, 'ear' refers to Brahma cross cattle, and it's pronounced "bray-mer.") you're going to have your hands full fixing fences and getting stitched up until you get that ear (Brahma blood) bred out of 'em. Breed 'em to a good white face (Hereford) bull for two or three generations and then you'll have some reasonably docile cattle."

I was still a little bewildered. "So, you're saying that the only way to solve this problem, which is essentially genetic in nature, is to alter their gene pool? How the heck are you going to do that unless you nuke 'em?"

"That's easy," said Wild Bill. "You do it the same way you alter the genetic make-up of anything else. You removed the undesirable herd sires and substitute desirable ones."

I was aghast. "Are you really proposing we make like King Herrod and start killing off all the males? That's savage."

"No, no, no. Just calm down. Do we kill a little bull calf just because he has more ear than we like? Of course not. We gland him," explained Wild Bill. "Look, in two weeks I can have you 100 men and 300 horses rounded up from southern Missouri and northern Arkansas. These men know how to ride, rope, shoot and use a knife. We would start at one end of the country and rope, gland and brand all the males. Not only will that eliminate their participation in the gene pool, but as a side benefit the glanding will calm them down quite a bit."

"It's like this," he added. "You take a rank stallion and cut him. In six months his attitude is greatly improved. Plus, since we're dealing with people here, and they have greater communicative powers than horses, a deterrent factor will come into play. I'm guessing that once word gets around about the mass glanding program you would see a mass cessation of hostilities. Your average Islamic fruitcake may not be scared to die, but I'll bet he is absolutely terrified of having his cojones lopped off by an American cowboy who'll feed them to his blue heeler cattle dog. Heck...by the time we got out of that region our dogs would be so fat they'd have a hard time keeping up with the horses, and we'd have solved a problem that has plagued mankind since 700 AD."

"Ok, " I said," all this explains how you plan to eliminate the existing sires. But, how do you plan to breed back?

Wild Bill pointed over toward Hollow Point Max. my blue ribbon winning jack who is widely recognized as the premier sire of fine saddle mules.

"You know how," I said. "We use Jack-In-The-Box. We ship Jack juice to any vet from coast to coast, and they artificially inseminate the mare."

Wild Bill just grinned. "There's your answer," he said. "You just apply the same idea to people. A.I. is a wonderful thing. A big liquid nitrogen tank is no big deal, and when a family wants kids we provide the genetic material. We will need to be careful in selecting our sires though."

"Tinkering with nature requires a little forethought or you can end up with disaster. We need something like mellow, milquetoast, midwestern Unitarians for sires. The absolute last thing we want is some sort of mutant Hillbilly DNA that is the product of 14 generations of line breeding. Can you imagine what would happen if we inadvertently crossed a hard-core, snake-handling militia member with an Islamic fundamentalist? We would have created the worst kind of super-hybrid, ultra-gun-crazed psycho terrorist known to man. Plus, they would be drunk all the time, and when they weren't butchering civilians they would be running over mailboxes in their pickups. We just can't let that happen."

I spent that evening thinking about Wild Bill's theory, and the next day arranged a lunch with the biochemistry professor of a nearby college. This fellow, also a medical doctor, is a man of mystery. He wears a patch over a missing left eye and makes occasional trips to Asia. I related to him my farrier's plan.

I handed the doctor a napkin, he uncapped a golden fountain pen, and proceeded to draw what looked like three benzene rings joined together with some halogneated hydrocarbons.

"Do you know what that is," the doctor inquired. Not waiting for me to reply, he answered his own question. "I call this 'Chemo-gland. Once every 12 to 15 years a plane flies over a Middle Eastern village, sprays a little of this stuff in the air, and the problem is solved."

I understood the theory, but his solution did not strike me as covering all the bases.

"Do you see this fluorine atom here," he pointed to his drawing on the napkin. "This selectively binds to a receptor found only on human growth hormone, meaning that it won't have any debilitating effects on either domestic or wild animals. However, in humans, it causes severe testicular atrophy. Essentially, what we have here is a chemical castration agent."

"Has this ever been tested on a statistically significant human population," I asked. "In other words, do we know if this stuff works?"

The doctor looked me straight in the eye. "Ransom, I know that you are a keen student of the subtle intricacies of life. I also know that you have spent literally hundreds of hours looking through a microscope while developing Jack-In-The-Box. Don't fool with me son. I know that, for the low low price of only $250 delivered, you ship your product to any vet in America, thus allowing mare owners from coast to coast to experience the joy of having a mule colt out of what is widely regarded to be a premier sire of fine saddle mules. That part of the theory would still be applicable to the indigenous population. Eliminating psycho genetics is as easy as crop dusting and Fed Ex"

"I know that you are well aware of human tests," said the doctor. "I'm also certain you are well aware of what has happened to male fertility in England".

"I've been reading that, for seemingly inexplicable reasons, fertility in England has declined at an alarming rate."

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: A renowned firearms authority, traveling political analyst and breeder of fine mules, Ransom Jack Reynolds is the Shooting Sports editor for The Trout Wrapper magazine. Residing in the vicinity of Hollowpoint, Missouri, Ransom can be contacted directly via e-mail at ransomjack@antisocial.com.

Islam is the problem throughout the world. It is so easy for any observer to find that 95% of all hostilities and violent movements around the world are caused by Moslems.

What is the solution? It is right under our nose. These countries were allowed to inject hate in their prayers constantly for years without one foreign leaders approaching that subject. The US, and the western leaders who ignore talking to Islamic leaders about their Islamic prayers are simply stupid. HOUSES OF WORSHIP SHOULD BE A PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO PRAY TO GOD! Any stupid western politician who is unable to say that to a Moslem leader, is an irresponsible representative to us. Religious leaders should not get into politics.

I remember during the NATO attack on Yugoslavia, it was obvious that was an orchestrated aggression and propaganda campaign from most of the west against this one Orthodox country; I did never observed a priest in an orthodox church delivering any sermon that mentioned the unjust war against Yugoslavia. As a matter of fact, the routine prayers asking God to help our arm forces (regardless if they were killing our fellow Christians in defense of our arch-enemies the Moslems) were still applied despite of the complaints of many parishioners. The priest insisted that our government wages war, and if we don't like it, we should talk to our political representatives.

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