Posted on 07/25/2002 7:16:18 AM PDT by Sir Gawain
Iverson Confesses To Crime Via Double Negative
by Josh Righter
Basketball star Allen Iverson has reportedly just confessed to charges of beating and threatening to kill his girlfriend, according to Philadelphia District Attorney Lynne Abraham, and will be taken to trial "as soon as possible".
Abraham said that Iverson confessed surprisingly readily, and offered very little resistance.
"To be honest, we were expecting him to deny the charges completely," she admitted at a press conference held just hours ago. "From media reports and from Iverson's own attitude, it just really didn't seem like he was going to come out and say that he did anything."
But fortunately for prosecutors, Iverson did confess, only minutes after being taken into a police interrogation room for questioning.
"We asked him if he beat his girlfriend," said interrogator Jerry Muniz. "He replied by saying, 'I didn't beat no one.'"
According to Muniz, Iverson's statement was a double negative; when transposed into correct grammatical format, the statement would read, "I beat someone."
"After he confessed to beating 'someone', we asked him if the person he beat was his girlfriend," Muniz said. "Iverson said, very decisively, 'I ain't never hurt her.'"
Through the rule of double negative, Iverson's statement was actually "I hurt her," which gave police the confirmation they needed to rule that Iverson did confess to beating his girlfriend.
"With that taken care of, we then asked Iverson if he ever threatened to kill his girlfriend, and that yielded a similar double negative," Muniz explained. "It was striking how readily and even vehemently he confessed to his crimes, but I'm glad that he did. He saved himself a lot of trouble, he saved us a lot of trouble, and his sentence is likely to be lighter now that he has confessed."
Surprisingly, Iverson's mother seemed to reinforce her son's confession when interviewed by various members of the media.
"My son didn't beat nobody!" she screamed. "He wouldn't ever harm nobody in his whole life! You ain't got no proof!"
Her last statement translates into "You got proof!", which clued the police in to search Iverson's home carefully, where forensics experts discovered quantities of blood spilled. Though lab results have not come back yet, the blood is assumed to be Iverson's girlfriend's.
"We'd really like to extend our thanks to Mrs. Iverson," said D.A. Abraham. "Without her encouraging us to find proof, our experts may have missed the blood spilled in Iverson's home, which was hidden under a rug. But thanks to her tip off, our team combed his residence with extra care, and sure enough, they got proof."
As he was escorted into a police cruiser headed for prison, the media swarmed Iverson, hoping for a statement. The basketball star did issue one, but it only reaffirmed what he had already told police.
"I didn't beat no one!" he shouted. "I ain't no O.J. Simpson!"
The Philly D.A.'s office also once charged Don Adams with assaulting the fists of Teamsters with his face. Unfortunately, that was no satire...
The so-called double negative is a common and natural grammatical form (in French, ne {verb} pas, for example).
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