Posted on 08/01/2002 7:07:52 AM PDT by goliath
Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Suicide Whales
By John W. Albanese
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The FBI issued a warning that recent information has determined that various terrorist elements have sought to develop an offensive suicide whale capability. |
DENNIS, MA — Top al Qaeda captive Abu Zabaydah told the FBI that the beached pod of some 50 whales on a Cape Cod beach this week was part of a scouting mission, a precursor to another terrorist attack. Zabaydah claims that al Qaeda is developing a plan whereby trained whales will intentionally beach themselves on our nation’s shores, armed with warheads of mass destruction strapped to their backs. "Recent information has determined that various terrorist elements have sought to develop an offensive suicide whale capability," the National Infrastructure Protection Center, a branch of the FBI, said in a statement issued today. "While there is no evidence of operational planning to utilize whales to carry out attacks within the United States, there is a body of information showing the desire to obtain such capability."
In an exclusive interview, Dr. Bob Squarepant, of the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, told BSNN.net the idea isn’t far fetched: "Various whale species have a natural instinct to beach and kill themselves. Pilot whales are highly intelligent creatures and are they very loyal to their trainers, so long as they get that little fish after performing their trick. It would be a natural for terrorists to recruit this kind of talent."
The “new and improved” INS is presently rifling through their index file-card catalogs, searching to determine if any potential al Qaeda operatives have obtained visas permitting them to study at the University of Miami’s School of Oceanography, the Wood’s Hole Institute, or to obtain clinical internships at Orlando’s Sea World. In view of the potential threat, the Federal Government is taking no chances. Heightened security measures have been taken at Los Angeles’ Malibu Beach, Miami’s South Beach, and New York’s Coney Island. The Israeli Navy has also mobilized its fleet of whaling vessels off the coast of Haifa Beach, to engage in a “search and destroy” mission. Security has been beefed up around former President Bush’s Maine seacoast home, and all Kennebunkport whale watching excursion captains have now been deputized as officers in Operation TIPS.
Zabaydah did acknowledge that the al Qaeda plot has its limitations, stating it would likely only be able to hit left-winged liberal “Save the Whales” targets, and the highest ranking American official they could hope to get would be Bobby Kennedy, Jr. But some US Senators privately tell BSNN.net they are concerned that al Qaeda may attempt to use Senate whales Barbara Mikulski and Hillary Clinton to stage a terror attack inside the US Capitol.
In a related story, Camp X-Ray captives recently gave information containing oblique innuendos asserting the “2001 - Summer of the Shark Attack” stories that dominated cable news prior to 9/11 were no coincidence. However, this information remains unspecified and uncorroborated.
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The tentacles are multiple warheads.
They've done a good job training their bird bombers!
They always manage to hit MY car!
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