Posted on 10/13/2002 10:07:08 AM PDT by Liz
ABCCBSNBC BrokawRatherJennings reported that favored New Jersey Senate candidate Frank Lautenberg is 15 points ahead in the polls. Lautenberg, a distinguished self-made, successful businessman, the elder statesman of the US Senate, together with his army of aides are working out details of his much-awaited debate with opponent Doug Forrester.
Forrester is the intolerant, uncompassionate loser Republican, a business profiteer who enriched himself by ripping off vulnerable senior citizens on life-saving prescription drugs.
The networks reported that intolerant divisive Forrester, a tool of the bigoted right-wing and subhuman patriotic gun-owners responsible for sniper shootings, was reportedly balking at Lautenberg’s demands to have a Port-a-John placed next to the debating dais. However Forrester did say he would consider regular bathroom breaks for the distinguished elder-statesman Democrat Lautenberg who is 18 points ahead in the latest polls.
The DNC issued a statement vociferously denying that Mr. Lautenberg, who is 20 points ahead in the latest polls, was tapped to run because Rosie Ruiz, the Boston marathoner who took the bus to the finish line, was unavailable.
The Lautenberg campaign issued a list of its demands and said that Lautenberg’s respiratory specialist required Lautenberg to take frequent oxygen breaks so that the candidate, who is preparing to win by a landslide, could maintain his breathing ability.
“ How intolerant is Doug Forrester,” they asked, " He won’t even let an old guy breathe, “ the Lautenberg camp said.
The Lautenberg camp also issued a list of requirements for their winning candidate to be supplied by debate sponsors.
These include three cases of super-absorbent Depends, a month’s supply of irritable bowel-syndrome medication, multiple packages of giant-sized Tidy-Wipes, and several cases of extra-strength No-Doze pills.
Sen Lautenberg the distinguished unbeatable candidate, who is ahead 25 points in the latest polls, vowed not to let his chronic bed-wetting interfere with his Senate duties.” I may be a bed-wetter,” Lautenberg said, “But that won’t stop me from insuring women have choice and that New Jerseyans continue to get “The Sopranos” on cable TV.
The Lautenberg campaign staff, who announced their candidate is ahead 35 points in the latest polls, was preparing a debate playbook which included the candidate’s position on world events as Lautenberg surged in the polls to 40-plus percentage points:
"If we could get the Soviets out of Afghanistan, that would be good for the region."
"I think president Carter ought to get the Iran hostages out as soon as possible."
"The Ayatollah Khomeini is a destabilizing force in that part of the Mideast."
" I, for one, would be very surprised if China goes Communist. "
“If elected, I will actively work toward giving women the vote."
"No, I don't think Geroge Bush, the Gov of Texas, will run for higher office."
"I think Enron is a great investment. Telecom stocks are sure to increase in value."
"My trusted accountant Arthur Andersen said so. "
“ I will recommend that our busy president Clinton hire some nice interns to make his job easier."
"If elected, I will push for the appointment of Harry Belafonte as Secretary of State (if Soul Train will release him from his contract).
" Affordable housing tops my agenda. Owning a home is the American dream. I bought my 12-room house with three bedrooms and four bathrooms for $19,900."
“ Yes, I am the father of a love child........by artificial insemination. The damned viagra didn’t work.”
" Beavis and Butthead? I most certainly will call on Senators Clinton and Schumer when considering legislation.”
“ Indict him for bribery and selling his office? When will the intolerant vast right wing conspiracy stop its pillorying of Sen Torricelli anyway? "
" People have been very generous to my campaign. Somebody named Fang or Pang gave me an area rug, a big-screen TV, some bronze statues, a Rolex, and an antique grandfather clock."
Great, now I need oxygen, a pee break AND chocolate.
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