Posted on 01/14/2003 4:14:25 AM PST by MadIvan
There's a whole new world of PC substitutes out there, says EDDIE LENNON.
Time was when political correctness was the wet blanket of every conversation. You had to tiptoe around your own vocabulary like a mouse faced with a cheese-laden mousetrap, terrified of ensnaring yourself by just being yourself.
Every chit-chat became a series of conversational booby-traps, each of them just waiting to help you offend one minority or another by a less than fully premeditated remark. For a short time that somehow seemed like forever, everything became so PC that life was like one eternally stilted dinner party, redolent of years of hushed-up scandal, and raw with family sensitivities.
But recently, thanks to the farcically euphemistic nature of political correctness, the almost pathological fear of calling a spade a spade (oops!) has helped political correctness to tear right through the humour barrier and declare what we suspected all along that it was all just one big joke.
There are now so many beautiful ways to call a spade a manually operated earthmoving implement that telling it like it is seems vaguely uncolourful and less than imaginative when a nice PC substitute will do instead.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a beer belly; he has developed a liquid grainstorage facility
He is not a bad dancer; he is overtly Caucasian.
He does not have a useless sense of direction; he investigates alternative destinations.
He is not balding; he is in follicle regression.
He is not a Sugar Daddy; he prefers generationally differential relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes accidentally horizontal.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has swine empathy.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is monogamously disoriented.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a babe or a chick; she is a breasted citizen.
She is not easy; she is horizontally accessible.
She is not dumb; she is a detour off the information superhighway.
She has not been around; she is a previously enjoyed companion.
She does not get drunk or tipsy; she gets chemically inconvenienced.
She is not horny; she is sexually focused.
She does not nag you; she is thematically repetitive.
But there are other areas of life where the polite PC euphemism hides a lot more than it reveals. Check out the personal ads, for instance.
MEN'S ADS
40-ish: 52 and looking for a 20-year-old.
Athletic: never misses The Premiership
Unusual-looking: covered with horticulturally exotic hair.
Educated: patronising as hell.
Friendship first: after all, sex has to start somewhere.
Fun: you should see me gurgle breath-freshener after 15 pints.
Handsome: just as well, because I'm thick as a plank.
Honest: pathological liar, taking a short break.
Huggable: couch-loving Panda bear.
Likes to cuddle: schizophrenic, attention-craving mummy's boy.
Mature: older than your dad.
Open-minded: will quickly move on(to) your best mate.
Physically fit: regular walking to and from the fridge.
Writer: now you know how he'll give you your marching orders.
Sensitive: self-pitying egomaniac.
Very sensitive: gay.
Spiritual: did something naughty in a churchyard once.
Thoughtful: says "excuse me" when he passes wind loudly.
WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish: 49.
Adventurous: has slept with all your friends.
Athletic: small breasts.
Contagious smile: does a lot of drugs.
Emotionally secure: heavily medicated.
Free spirit: junkie.
Fun: babbling motormouth.
Gentle: apparently comatose.
Good listener: borderline catatonic.
New Age: suspiciously large amounts of body hair.
Old-fashioned: frigid.
Open-minded: rapidly desperate.
Poet: melancholic drip.
Rubenesque: grossly fat.
Romantic: looks slightly better by candle light.
Social: has been passed around like a plate of hors d'oeuvres.
Voluptuous: in need of power walking, alternating with power fasting.
Widow: drove first husband to shoot himself.
Young at heart: old goose, game for anything.
*LOL* Brilliant. Ye didn't happen to get an address for this guy? ;-)
FRee dixie,sw
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