Chapter 1: Gladys Kravitz and Family

After having our prospective new home inspected, and walking out to our car, a middle-aged white woman with a t-shirt tucked into stretch pants hustled out to the street and proceeded to give us the dirt on every house up and down the block. Things like "She's all right as long as she takes her meds" and "She runs a day care; don't ever leave your kid there."

Well, we've all had neighbors like that. We call them Gladys Kravitz, for the nosy neighbor from that wacky '60s sitcom Bewitched. They've got their noses in everybody's business and pretty much act like they own the neighborhood. We've always been of the mind that it's better to have them with us than against us, so we took our usual tack and took her neighbor tips graciously.

Now it turns out that this woman, whom we have since nicknamed Bitch Cow (BC for short), lives in the house next door to the house we bought. By next door, we're talking about approximately 15 feet of shared driveway separating the houses. (More on the shared driveway later; it turned out to be a flash point. Imagine.)

With BC lives her teenage son and her octogenarian mother (who's lived there since 1940-something). BC has a real martyr complex about taking care of her mother and projects the whole trip on her poor son. She works part-time evenings and makes her son come straight home after school every day and stay with his grandma. And she takes him with her everywhere she goes.

The poor kid (we'll call him "Josh") just sucks it up. He's a bright young man, but he's just been beaten (psychologically) into submission. His only outlet is a menagerie of half-dead animals he keeps. Mostly lizards now, but when we moved in he had two ducks in a small cage on their patio. They just cooked out there in the sun until my better half (we'll call her the wifely person) finally convinced him to liberate them.

"Are you trying to make Mandarin duck out there?" she asked.

"Huh?" said Josh.

Then she started shouting "Free the ducks!" every time she saw him. This went on for several days until Josh finally took them to an undisclosed location and freed them.

Vapor light-- back. (Click to enlarge.)

And there was a rabbit that died shortly thereafter. And a sturgeon or two that died in their fetid "pond". (Yes, it's illegal to keep sturgeon.) Several other fish turned up mauled, missing or dead. Racoons and their dog were alternatively blamed. (More on the pond later.)

Oh yeah, the dog: he's an ill-behaved, hyper-active, yappy Springer Spaniel. Oh, wait a minute, I guess that describes pretty much any Springer Spaniel, eh? We'll call the dog "Mikey". More on Mikey, the patio, and the back yard later.

Vapor light-- front. (Click to enlarge.)

BC's mom is an Nebraska ex-pat with a brusque manner and any number of ailments. She's not as frail as BC would have you believe, but BC nonetheless insists on treating her like an invalid. I can only guess that she's getting even for her own upbringing. We'll call the old lady "Bertha". She likes to sit around watching The 700 Club at 130 decibels while poor Josh tries to do his algebra homework.

These people have a sort of siege mentality, with vapor lights front and back (which keep the interior of our house pretty well illuminated at night-- no need for nightlights!), security doors and an inexplicable distrust of the only black people on our side of the street, a sweet retired couple who take immaculate care of their house and yard. (We'll call them Joseph and Lucy.)

So you get the general idea. It's just a house of pain. As if that wasn't enough, these people are outward slobs. I never realized it until discussing the Redneck Neighbor page with my wife, but we've got it even worse than Carlos (in our humble opinion). Okay, no late night karaoke parties, but still....

Next: Chapter 2: The Yard and the Pond or "Mosquitoes can't fly over a 6 foot fence"

[ Introduction ]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.