Posted on 04/22/2003 5:47:01 AM PDT by Theodore R.
Parents going through divorce don't always see children's pain
By Ilene Olson Published in the Wyoming Tribune-Eagle
CHEYENNE – Holly Dill, 20, doesn’t remember her father living at home.
Because she was only 1 or 2 years old when her parents divorced, “I don’t know what it’s like to live with my mom and my dad in the same house,” she said.
“When I think of them together, I wonder: Did they hold hands? Did they go out to the movies? Did they like each other? Did they like me?”
Dill spent school years with her mother and summers with her father. Until her father moved away, she alternated weekends with them.
“It really sucks to go to Mom’s house, then to Dad’s house, then – guess what? – you have to go back to Mom’s house now,” she said.
Dill is just one example of the impact of divorce upon children. With divorce numbers continuing to rise across the nation, experts are taking a harder look at what the break-up of marriages can mean to children.
Dill said her relationship with her father has suffered because of the divorce.
“He’s been around and he’s paid child support,” she said. “But I couldn’t even tell you what my dad’s favorite color is. He lives in Texas now, and I don’t hardly ever talk to him.”
In the meantime, Dill’s mother remarried within two or three years of the divorce. Four years later, divorce tore Dill’s family life apart for a second time.
“It hurt, you know – about like the end of the world,” she said. “It was really weird. Things are the same for so long; then one day, they’re just not the same anymore. It’s almost like a death in the family.”
She experienced that pain two more times during her childhood and adolescence.
“My mom is really a beautiful person,” Dill said. “She just hasn’t always made the right decisions (in relationships).”
Sherry Welch, a licensed professional counselor with Fleming Associates, said divorce always is hard on children. But parents, because they go through their own psychological trauma, often don’t realize the intensity of the pain their children experience.
“All children of divorce experience a significant loss that needs to be addressed by both parents,” Welch said.
During and after a divorce, children often will:
• Experience a variety of emotions and reactions.
“Reactions vary widely, according to the ages and personalities of each child,” Welch said. “Some will immediately feel a need to take care of one or both of the parents and stuff their own emotions.
“Some will be angry. Some will be engulfed by fear, some by sadness. Some will act as though they are not touched by the news.”
Welch said children who feign indifference often are the ones who need the most support.
“Divorce does affect them significantly, and all children need to be able to express (their) emotions,” she said.
• Blame themselves for their parents’ divorce.
“Almost universally, this is true,” Welch said. “They often come up with examples of when they were the focus of the parents’ disputes, and they tell themselves that if they had been more perfect, the parents wouldn’t be divorcing.
“This is so dangerous to their self-esteem that parents need to keep repeating that the divorce is not about them or their fault. It is a decision the parents made that they believe will be for the better.”
• Demonstrate age-related behavior problems.
Younger children often will regress to previous stages of development: sucking thumbs, crying more, losing bladder control or throwing tantrums.
School-age children may get lower grades in school because they are preoccupied. Older children may pull away from the family if they are unable to express their emotions or “fix it” in some way, Welch said.
Parents can ease their children’s adjustment to divorce through consistent love and support and by listening to their feelings and fears.
But, she added, “I really want to emphasize that one of the most important things parents can do is to do their own psychological ‘work’ during and after the divorce. To me, that is the most important predictor of how well the children will adjust.
“Emotions the parent is experiencing can be seen in the children. If the parent is full of anger, the children also will act out their anger. If the parent is grieving, so will the children.”
Steps parents can take to help themselves and their children include:
• Take responsibility for their part in why the relationship didn’t work.
• Work through grief and anger.
• See their children’s needs as a priority.
• Keep familiar surroundings, schedules and rituals.
• Set time aside for being with the children.
• Encourage children to express their emotions.
• Listen to them.
• Allow the children to talk to their other parent frequently.
Non-custodial parents can help by keeping in touch on a regular basis and by attending special occasions.
“Don’t make promises you can’t or don’t keep,” Welch advised. “It is extremely damaging to a child’s self-esteem to be waiting for a parent to come get them for a visitation and to have the parent call and cancel at the last minute – or even worse, to just not show up.”
Divorced parents should work together for their children’s best interests, Welch said.
Divorce is never ideal, she said. But under the best circumstances, adjustments and disruptions of the lives of the children would be minimized, she added.
“Both parents would take some time to stabilize theirs and the kids’ lives and not introduce new potential partners into the children’s lives for quite a while,” she added. “Kids would know they are loved and a priority to their parents.
“Ideally, both parents would be able to deal with their divorce issues maturely and be very conscious with what is going on with the children. Custody would be based on the needs of the children, not the needs of the parents.”
Parents should avoid using children to meet their emotional needs, Welch said. That often results in the child feeling responsible for taking care of the parent.
Another situation that is especially harmful is the “parent alienation syndrome” in which a parent consistently bashes, criticizes or sabotages the other parent, Welch said.
“Kids generally have loyalty to both parents, and this makes them feel they have to choose between parents – to decide which is the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parent,” she said. “It really can harm the identity of the child, who carries 50 percent of genes from both parents.”
Dill said her parents “were really good at not cutting each other down in front of me. Verbally, they tried really hard not to do that.”
But they were not as careful about body language – “the dirty looks, all of that,” Dill said.
“Kids aren’t dumb,” she added. “They feel everything that goes on. It probably hurts the kids more than it hurts the parents.”
Dill said she felt pressure to choose between her parents.
“I felt guilty,” she said. “I had to love one parent more than another. When my dad decided to get remarried, I hated that lady. She was the wicked stepmother of the west.
“I think that had a lot to do with my mom’s opinion about her. I didn’t want my mom to be mad at me.
“People shouldn’t have to pick between their mom and their dad. They should be equal.”
Dill, who has a 6-month-old son, said she is hesitant to enter into a marital relationship.
“I don’t know if I’m afraid, or if it’s rather safe than sorry,” she said. “I just want my (son) to have a better life than I did.
“I hope that I can find one person to be with for the rest of my life. When you say those vows, it’s supposed to be permanent.
“A relationship is something you have to work on 24 hours a day, seven days per week. Everyone says, ‘If it’s worth having, it’s worth working on.’ So how come everybody is getting divorced?”
Kids In the Middle., dedicated to helping children during and after divorce, recommends parents abide by the following “Children’s Bill of Rights:”
• The right to express love for both parents.
• The right not to be placed in the position of a message carrier.
• The right not to be asked to be the family spy.
• The right not to be told negative information about their parent or parent’s family.
• The right to remain connected to both parents’ families.
• The right not to be interrogated after a visit with the other parent.
• The right to express or not express their own feelings.
• The right not to be exposed to conflict with the other parent.
• The right to a stable, safe environment.
• The right to remain a child and not a parental confidant.
• The right to be told about family changes, such as moving or a visitation.
• The right not to feel responsible for their parents’ divorce.
• The right to be loved unconditionally.
Life isn't perfect. It's a shame, but sometimes that is the way it is.
Her elevating the kids to the status of demigods (and her mother) etc. etc. was the main reason the marriage fell apart.
I know of many single-parent homes that are far more functional than those where parents either do not get along, or through ignorance, fail to practice good parenting, which is to have a goal of becoming unnecessary to the children. This is done by conveying responsibility appropriate for the age of the child.
So now she fosters a fatherless child instead?
Sounds like the child is a live doll for her gratification.
You'd think this would be self-evident. But the "it's all about me!" people invariably believe that the fact that it is a "concern" to them means they care.
You may want to take a look at The Marriage Project at Rutgers University. Lots of good information there. You may also want to check out this page about the myths of divorce, from the same people, as well. Pay particular attention to number 6.
What's funny is that I once worked across the hall from David Popenoe and never realized that he held such conservative views on marraige and divorce.
And then the pattern repeats...
FYI, I'm in my late 30s and I've been married for 12 years. Many of our close friends, mostly from college, have been married for nearly as long or longer and there isn't a divorce among them, nor any evidence that I can see that there will be. And you'd be hard pressed to find a more diverse group of close friends racially (white, black, asian), ethnically (American, Carribean, European, Asian, African), politically (conservative, liberal, libertarian, indifferent), or religiously (Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Shiite Muslim, pagan, atheist, agnostic). I think it helps that our friendships are often extended to both members of a couple so that one of the partners isn't left out during a get together.
On the flip side, though, jobs that require a lot of travel seem to be poisonous for marriages. They seem to provide too much opportunity for a couple to grow apart.
A couple of weeks ago, she was at my bro's house, and they were kind of chit chatting, the kind of cutesy one upping that they used to do. The youngest daughter was in the room, looking at this with a huge smile on her face, looking at the way it used to be, hoping that it would be that way again. My mother was also in the room and is the only one who noticed the daughter's wide eyed, hopeful bemusement at her parents acting normal again. She told me that she almost broke out sobbing right then and there...JFK
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