(New York) -- Disgraced former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair has been fired from the sensationalist tabloid The National Enquirer.
The Enquirer hired Blair two weeks ago when the reporter was fired from the Times for having plagiarized articles from other newspapers and in many cases inventing reports out of whole cloth.
Editors at the Enquirer began to doubt the veracity of Blair's reportage when last Thursday he filed the report "Hillary and Bill Clinton Have Sex With Each Other." After an extensive internal investigation, Blair finally confessed that the story was entirely bogus.
National Enquirer Managing Editor Rick " Bull" Berkowitz has just published the following statement on the Enquirer Web site: "The National Enquirer has released Jayson Blair from his contract and retracts Mr. Blair's recent story in which he alleged that the former President and his wife engaged in consensual sex with each other. We deeply regret any damage done to the reputations of President and Senator Clinton. And while The National Enquirer prides itself on being at the cutting edge of journalism -- as witness our recent five-part expose "What Hollywood Won't Tell You About Celebrity Abductions and UFOs" -- the story about President and Mrs. Clinton crossed the fine line that separates journalistic integrity and Stephen King."
William Grim
CANADIANS SAY MOST VIBRATING CELLPHONES USED FOR "OTHER PURPOSES"
TORONTO -- Researchers at the MacKenzie King Center for the Study of Human Sexuality today published the results of a survey revealing that 98% of all cellphones sold in Canada are used for "purposes other than voice communications and text messaging." Canada's strict pornography laws, however, prevent the reporting of what those "other purposes" actually entail, except to characterize them generally as "naughty."
A spokesperson for the Canadian Ministry of Health said that the King Center's survey closely matches the results of a Canadian government study done last year that showed that 58% of egg beaters, 73% of electric blenders and a remarkable 96% of Evinrude outboard boat motors are also used for non-warranted "other purposes," which all fall into the "very naughty" category.
In a speech to Parliament, Prime Minister Jean Chretien vowed to "stamp out naughtiness" throughout Canada. "Although I am legally constrained from defining naughtiness," said the PM, "We all know what naughtiness is when we see it".....