Bush lied about WMDs to enable expansion of Martha Stewart Empire

Pesky The Rat ^ | 4/21/03 | Susan McNerney

[South40]

There are no WMDs. Bush made the whole thing up as a cover for his real goal: allowing the Martha Stewart empire to get lucrative contracts for rebuilding Iraq to look exactly like the Hamptons on a lazy summer day. This is Edwina the Hamster reporting from Long Island.

For much of the last few months antiwar activists have argued that the Bush administration's motives for launching the war with Iraq were based on a desire to financially enrich allies in the business community rather than any concern about weapons of mass destruction. After doing some digging out here in East Hampton, I've found a wealth of information about the newest robber baron of the Middle East, and her far-reaching plans to make money off the destruction in Iraq.

Yes, Martha Stewart, ruthless queen of a vast napkin-folding empire and owner of several disagreeable chows, stands to benefit from trillions of dollars in lucrative contracts for the rebuilding of Iraq. While the press has focused on the enrichment of another American corporation, Bechtel, Martha Stewart has quietly secured contracts to rebuild almost every aspect of Iraqi life. Projects include:

Building a new Iraqi capitol building out of carefully arranged autumn leaves, imported from a charming fellow in Vermont. Designing the new Iraqi flag, which will now contain only muted pastels and earth tones along with a profile of a disagreeable chow. Establishment of 2,000 KMart stores and a massive propaganda campaign to convince Iraqis that KMart is not full of cheap crap. Total reconfiguration of Baghdad's street grid so that, when viewed from the air, the city appears to be a big butterfly, flying askance a sprig of parsley. Manufacture of new headscarves and haj's for all Iraqi muslim women that properly match their new window coverings, bed linens, bathroom towels, and toaster cozies. Distribution of toasters to Iraqi households so as to create demand for toaster cozies. Deployment of a new stock trading network to Martha's exacting specifications and ethical guidelines.

But the big prize is the complete reconstruction of Baghdad into an exact replica of the Hamptons. Martha is already employing mathematicians to determine how to squeeze enough gigantic pseudo-grecian mansions into the place to handle half the population. The bottom half, otherwise known as the bottom 99%, will live in servant's quarters. The Baghdad soccer stadium is being converted for polo, and Iraqis are being encouraged to wear summer whites and to gossip relentlessly.

All in all, Martha Stewart stands to gain far more from the fall of Iraq than almost anyone else. Will this result in some kind of terrorist backlash? Time will tell, but some Iraqis are already threatening to wear bright, bold colors and to improperly fold their napkins.

[r9etb]

As long as we're on the subject of Marth Stewart -- I've always thought she was a convenient fall-guy: somebody everybody wants to see get slapped. So who d'ya suppose is hiding behind the smokescreen of her being prosecuted?

[Blood of Tyrants]

The jig is up! You have discovered the plot.

[jriemer]

I know you've been here on FR for ages but this Op-Ed is just aching to be ZOT!-bait.

[PoorMuttly]

I have personally done some digging out in East Hampton too. Nice and sandy...but my tunnels keep collapsing.

Do you think she'll be voluntarily exiled to Iraq, rather than face unproductive prison time? If so...those chows sound yummy. Can Muttly have the chows?

[darkwing104]

Sounds better then what the Rat's can come up with...:-)

[jriemer]

Specially considering the source is Pesky the Rat!

Tally-Ho! Viking Kitties!

[Ernest_at_the_Beach]

LOL!

[Fred Mertz]

When are gas prices going to get back under a buck a gallon? That's what I thought this little war was all about.

[Constitution Day]

No kidding!!

At the very least, a alert is in order.

[hchutch]

SKYBIRD SKYBIRD

SET TO ZOTCON 1

AUTHENTICATOR:
JULIET LIMA HOTEL ONE ONE ONE

VIKING KITTIES ARE OUR OVERLORDS

[Zavien Doombringer]

[jriemer]

When are gas prices going to get back under a buck a gallon? That's what I thought this little war was all about.

Personally, I thought the war was to "Kick @$$" and everything else was political window-dressing.

[Chi-townChief]

You always have to read these things to be sure they're not real. I would expect to read, "Bush lied about WMDs to enable expansion of Martha Stewart Empire," says former Vt. Governor and Democrat presidential candidate Howard Dean.

[Zavien Doombringer]

Is this satire? I mean there is extreme sarcasm in here...Never the less I wait for the command!

[Poohbah]

NOW SET CONDITION 1ZQ FOR STRATEGIC ZOT LAUNCH.

THIS IS THE CAPTAIN, THE USE OF NUCLEAR ZOTS HAS BEEN APPROVED.

[Zavien Doombringer]

VK Strike force airborne, waiting for vector...

[Zavien Doombringer]

Captain, he's a veteran Freeper, are you sure...I mean this is the ultimate!!!

[hchutch]

LAUNCH CODE FOLLOWS:

JULIET LIMA HOTEL INDIA SIERRA HOTEL OSCAR TANGO

LAUNCH ZOTS NOW NOW NOW

[South40]

Are you suggesting that I need a sense of humor?

Perhaps you should aim that at those who can't or don't realize the humor in this obvious satire.