Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
I just don't see how the simple sentences of:
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
can be construed to mean that he was messing with her mind. I just don't see it.
Agreed. How do you know he doesn't show affection?? The article says he doesn't sleep with girlfriends, not that he doesn't hold their hand, hug them, etc.
Not sure I can parse that.
Do you agree with my suggestion that there are many more important factors in the permutation of the events listed than whether (5) precedes (7)?
No, but if a man doesn't know if the potential for marriage is there or not after six months of *dating* (not just being aquainted), he's taking indecisiveness to an extreme.
Like I said, he must think he's going to live for 200 years. If he keeps this pace up, he'll have to.
You're talking about a diffferent problem: couples who find that the sexual part of their relationship is so good that they don't care if anything else everr develops. I'm more concerned with situations in which the couple wants every important aspect of the relationship to work right. Finding out that your husband is an "ice king" when you're not is not something you want to have happen after the marriage takes place.
Exactly. This guy seems to be advertising that he wants to get married, so the women he dates are also marriage minded. 33 isn't that old for a guy, but for a woman who wants a family, it's scary. You have to be careful and not jump into something (this I know from bitter experience), but you usually get a feeling for the person right off the bat. Unless of course you've landed a sociopath.
I gave a Sweetie a diamond ring four months to the day after we met. About four months after that, I gave her a matching gold ring. That night, we were too tired to do anything. But after that...
Congratulations, you knew what you wanted and didn't waste time :)
I've often said that the 1996 election was referendum on whether you wanted a president who could "get it up" or a president who couldn't "keep it down".
Since you brought up Viagra, I got to see MRS. Rafael Palmiero on TV last night and, judging from the looks of her, I imagine Rafael gets all sorts of quizzical looks about his Viagra promotionals. If it was difficult to get interested in her, the man must have *really* had problems...
Given that we didn't even have fourteen months together on the planet, I'm glad I had the "marital perks" for almost six of them.
Because the guy sounds like a cold fish. I couldn't see him tickling his girl after a rousing game of Scrabble.
I didn't say a word...
So basically you don't know that he doesn't show affection. So you're commenting on his actions based upon an assumption you made by an impression you received from reading an article. Uh huh.
Why is there something wrong?
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