He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

[Mister Magoo]

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.

[7 x 77]

I can't believe how much money couples spend on weddings. It's ridiculous.

Hypothesis: The amount of money couples spend on their rings and children is inversely proportional to how long they have put off marriage and how few children they are willing to welcome into their lives.

[Under the Radar]

Hypothesis: The amount of money couples spend on their rings and children is inversely proportional to how long they have put off marriage and how few children they are willing to welcome into their lives.

I think you are well on your way to a full-blown Theory of Modern Life.

[BlazingArizona]

What if you do marry, and are sexually compatible... later something terrible happens, and one of you loses the ability to have sexual intercourse. Is this reason enough to leave the marriage? Is sex a large part of marriage, or a meaningful part?

Precisely why you need to try out all parts of the marriage experience first (okay, short of actually having children, I suppose). That way, you know how important sex is to you.

[7 x 77]

Hypothesis: The amount of money couples spend on their rings and children is inversely proportional to how long they have put off marriage and how few children they are willing to welcome into their lives.

There are so many examples of this perversion. Here's another one:

• The wealthy suburb where I grew up was filled with Catholic families that had on average something like 6 kids, and the mother stayed at home to lavish her energy and time on the parent's most important possessions.

Today these houses are owned by 2-income families that have limited themselves to 2 or 3 children, and have they have put huge additions on their homes.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I heard someone say...

When thinking of a wedding, decide on this.

Decide if the happiest moment of your life, your wedding day, did not matter on clothes or location, like you love this person so very much that you would marry them in a rainstorm in a parking lot! And, if that is true, because this is the love of your life, then don't worry about the dress or the flowers... it is the marriage that is important, not all of the stuff.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

I disagree. How heartbroken would you be to learn that the love of your life dumped YOU, because you couldn't perform due to cancer, MS, etc? How very sad. I would think that the love for your spouse would trump any sexual experience, and that you will love them while they suffered through a debilitating disease... and you should be able to ask the same of your spouse. This is a MARRIAGE, that is bound not only in legal terms but by the heart... otherwise why get married?

[freedumb2003]

>>At least not this year. I don't run around picking up guys. In fact the last person I was with was my now ex-husband. That was several years ago. The decay in our society doesn't have a thing to do with adults acting responsibly and with discretion. <<

You are merely talking about degree. The act itself, whether wanton and frequent, or "discrete" and infrequent spring from the same lack of morality.

Stealing a quarter and stealing a million dollars are morally equivilant -- it is transferring something that belongs to someone else to you. The morality behind sexual activity, which adults should understand, is simple: Sex withing marriage only. This makes sense from a socioligical and pratical perspective as well (amazing how morals work that way!).

Relative moralistics (i.e. "I choose wisely") is extremely difficult to defend. True moral precepts are either adhered to or not.

You also ignore the most important arguments about progeny out of wedlock (or is that not a moral issue?) -- the only 100% effective way of ensuring such an unhappy and immoral outcome does not occur is abstience. You also do not address the very real public health issues of STDs. You may be discrete but have your parters? Even testing (which is unromantic and impractical) will not detect AIDS precursors and some STDs.

I am speaking of something called principles here. These are missing in the USA and in your arguments (assuming you are making arguments here and not just whining). This is not an attack -- I am merely pointing out that your activities are part of the milleu from which sprang Bill Clinton and provide cover for Hillary.

They are also not consistent with true conservative values.

[laredo44]

I would guess that it's under 10%, and that neither of you will bet against me.

I understand that in cultures where parents arrange their offspring's marriage the divorce is even lower than that. Now what?

I also know that the divorce rate in my home is zero percent. Maybe everybody should emulate me! 8 ^ )

[milan]

Gee, I wonder if this guy knows that this was God's plan anyways? And look at that; it works!

[BlazingArizona]

No I am talking about couples that have hormone driven relationships and are so busy with sex that they do not notice that they end up in bed most of the time .

Which is precisely the way some couples prefer things...

What if the woman were absolutely prefect, bright attractive , loving, understanding, and attentive BUT was not a great roll? Do you turn that one in?

Exactly why the two of you need to agree on that before making a permanent commitment. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming another divorce statistic.

[lonestar]

Celibacy is nature's way of saying your genes aren't fit to produce the next generation.

I think alot of reproduction is coming from the shallow end of the gene pool. I don't see how the celibate could do worse.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

The celibate have made an honest decision, and stuck by it with fortitude. The same cannot be said of a portion of the unwed mothers in our country. :(

[Joe Republc]

"....I don't have it, but I'll betcha it's a lot, lot lower than the overal average of 40%-50%, simply because these people, to paraphrase another poster, have learned to think with something besides their genitals. "

I've got two young daughters, and I hate the way our culture has pushed girls more and more to strut their stuff and get it on if they want a man.

It seems like ancient history, but you used to hear feminists protest against society treating women as 'sex objects'. That's gone now. (BTW, Tammy Bruce explains money has to do with that.)

Listen, I have to confess as a young man I *loved* the fact women made themselves look more sexy and available.

But maybe I grown up a bit... well, again, I have two daughters. And I'd like for them to grow up in a world where they can find a man that will love them forever. But to find their man, my girls shouldn't have to feel that they must look prostitutes, or sleep around. Again, where's the feminists on this point?

-- Joe

[TruthNtegrity]

Ping!

[Gabrielle Reilly]

>>>>Posted by Nowhere Man to Gabrielle Reilly
On News/Activism ^ 06/15/2003 5:41 PM CDT #259 of 274 ^

Do you mean you were watching "Ann of GreenGables" from Prince Edward Island or is that another show?

I watched both the Anne movies and the Avonlea TV series. The "Anne of Green Gables" movies were based on the book series of the same names by Lucy Maude Montgomery although I think the third movie did "jump the shark" plus it wasn't part of the books anyhow. The "Avonlea" TV series was based on another book by the same author, I think the book was called "The Story Girl" about a girl who can to live in the town of Avonlea and wrote short stories of what happened there and her experiences. I liked both myself, I would recommend the books and movies for family viewing.>>>>>

Ohhhhh. They were my FAVORITE books when I was a little girl. In fact don't tell anyone but the cartoon "Anne of Green Gables" is on Sunday mornings before church. Never miss it with my waffle. One of the few things I will watch on TV. LOL I have been to Novia Scotia but really want to walk down memory lane on Prince Edward Island.

And your a guy?????? :)

[milan]

Well said!

[Gabrielle Reilly]

>>>>>Decide if the happiest moment of your life, your wedding day, did not matter on clothes or location, like you love this person so very much that you would marry them in a rainstorm in a parking lot! And, if that is true, because this is the love of your life, then don't worry about the dress or the flowers... it is the marriage that is important, not all of the stuff.
>>>>

Thank you for articulating that for me. That is exactly my point. People have accused me of being "unromantic" because I don't think that stuff is important. What is important is two people uniting with the ones they are closest with to celebrate their new life together. The rest is just shear commercialism that strains the marriage from the get go. Financial stress is a large factor in the divorce rate also.

[treadstone71]

Judging from most of the comments on this article, I've come to the conclusion that I am totally screwed (figuratively, of course).

Being 33, male, and a virgin, it seems the only people who don't think there's something wrong with a person like me are either married and/or male, so no help there. Considering the stack of Playboy, Maxim, and other similar magazines over in the corner, and my reaction to them, I'm neither homosexual nor asexual.


I do have to confess, though, at this point my celibacy is not entirely of my choosing. Somewhere along the way, I never learned how to start a relationship which would lead to anything more than friendship. I've known several attractive, intelligent women since high school, and have been considered a "buddy" by all of them. Of course, I've received plenty of advice from those friends and from family, most of which boils down to "Just be yourself, and it will happen when you least expect it." Well, being myself hasn't gotten me anywhere yet, and I don't know how my expectations can be any lower than they are now.

If I have any problem, it may be that I'm just too dense to notice the women that may be interested.

[Servant of the Nine]

So, something was WRONG with the LORD Jesus Christ (who remained celebate until he was -- yep: 33)?

Just where exactly does it say that?
He could have been a widower, or even have just left a nagging wife at home.

So9

[JoeSchem]

But if you are still celibate at 33, there is something wrong.

Statistics show that celibate people have very low (ie, zero) rates of sexual disease, illegitimacy, abortion, child abuse, and rape.

Maybe the thing that's wrong is that you know it's a standard you can't aspire to, so you belittle anyone who can. Feel better now?