He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

[Dr. Frank fan]

I appreciate his commitment to remaining celibate until marriage, however if I had spent six months with this gentleman and there was no ring I'd hit the road. I'm just putting myself in these womens shoes.

A time limit of six months may be a little short (though, perhaps not for a 33-year-old ;), but in general I totally see your point.

[hellinahandcart]

No, the kind thing to do would have been to stop dating her early on.

He knew darned good and well he wasn't in love with her (hell, everyone knows long before six months have passed, if they're not utterly neurotic), and it was wrong to mess with her head and keep her off the market when he knew his feelings and hers did not match up, and never would.

[Age of Reason]

I dated a very intelligent woman

Mistake.

an attorney,

Bigger mistake.

[Capriole]

I won't criticize him for his decision to remain celibate, and there are good reasons for it. However, I do feel a little sympathy for the woman. She dates a man for six months and he doesn't want to give her hope for marriage, and won't get nekkid either. I don't know how long she should wait for either choice. I don't know either, if six months is long enough to wait for a marriage proposal. Given their ages and experience in life, it seems time enough though, and I don't blame her for bailing. I'm not sure after reading the article if he doesn't want sex or is just turned off for life for marriage.

It sounds as though he was dating this woman, trying to find out if she was the right one for him, and just wasn't feeling the passionate love he wants to feel. She fairly asked him where he was, emotionally, and he told her that he just wasn't feeling as though their relationship would lead to marriage. She determined that she didn't want to waste any more time with him. This is fair to everyone. Nobody did anything wrong here. Nobody owes anybody an apology. It's just a good thing for her that she didn't waste any more time on a relationship that was not going to lead to adoration, dedication, and marriage.

I respect this man. He is acting on principles. Remember that the first line in this article says that he had a dramatic lifestyle change, so presumably his previous lifestyle was full of uncommitted sex. He makes it clear, without revealing intimate details, that he was horrified at the consequences of his previous lifestyle--sorrow and suffering, pregnancy, disease, and possible death.

For all of you who think it's weird: it's more common than you know. A lot of guys are celibate but just don't go around talking about it all the time. A lot of other guys aren't quite celibate but only have sex when they're deeply in love, which doens't happen all that many times in a person's life.

As for the idea of having sex with a steady girlfriend: no man should have sex with a steady girlfriend unless he's planning to marry her, because steady girlfriends get pregnant, too. There's no such thing as foolproof birth control. If you don't love her enought to marry her you don't love her enough to have sex with her.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Excellent point. Everyone, male and female, should move on as soon as they know the person they are dating is not the person they want to marry. Life is too short to waste precious time like that.

[sinkspur]

But, to help her self-esteem, you say he should have slept with her, indiscriminately, for six months, then dumped her when he decided he didn't want to marry her.

He didn't have to sleep with her. She didn't expect him to AS LONG AS he could tell her that there might be a future for them.

I admire this guy for not having sex with these women, but a woman can tell if a man's physically attracted to her, but just chooses to "save himself" until marriage. In fact, the woman above said SHE could wait, too!

No, as another poster said, this guy's graduated from manipulating women with sex to manipulating them with virtue.

Then, he gets to plead innocence when women accuse him of using them; that's exactly what he's doing.

I wonder if the guy's even been engaged in 12 years? If not, a woman would be advised to steer clear of this "boy."

[najida]

I believe I will stay the heck out of this one, and just sit back and read replies. With my track record, for me to weigh in on what constitutes a successful marriage would be a bit like expecting Lizzie Borden to write her doctoral thesis on the Fourth Commandment.
______

LOL! 'sorta like, it took taking piano lessons for 10 years to finally admit I suck at playing the piano.

[Age of Reason]

A lot of guys are celibate but just don't go around talking about it all the time.

Given the current crop of modern women, I confess celibacy looks good me.

[TheSpottedOwl]

God only sanctions sex within the marriage.

Yes he does, and the reason is to protect the children that are produced.

[strela]

'sorta like, it took taking piano lessons for 10 years to finally admit I suck at playing the piano.

Good analogy. (And, as I am a big believer in the theory that "practice makes perfect" even for the terminally untalented, I never miss a piano lesson).

[najida]

I have to disagree with that statement. I don't plan on getting remarried, in fact men my age are looking to settle down and have children. I'm not having more children, so I don't date. It would be wrong to date a man who expects to marry and have children when you don't have the same intentions. However should I find a nice man around my age, of course I would sleep with him and I wouldn't consider myself engaging in unpaid prostitution
_____

Yep, agreed, same here...ditto..whatever :)

[rwfromkansas]

Yep

[Age of Reason]

no man should have sex with a steady girlfriend unless he's planning to marry her

The opposite is wiser: He should try, of course--and should the maiden reject him, then he will know she is worth marrying.

[Pan_Yans Wife]

Parents should try their best to remain with their spouses. And, protecting these children is a life-long exercise.

Those that have children should not have a string of partners, waiting in the wings. Too many young people divorce the spouse and parent of their children, running to the new man/woman that is waiting in the wings. Everyone should realize that children need stability, and children who have already gone through a divorce should not have to witness their parents dating mishaps.

Parents can date, without bringing these people into the household. It can be tastefully done, out of the children's line of vision. Introduce the kids only when the relationship is really significant, and it looks like it has a future.

[maui_hawaii]

BUMP

Not to mention that most girls I have met are nut jobs and/or gold diggers regardless of how big their boobs are, or how good they look in a bikini. Bikini girls grow in trees.

Whats the point of thinking inside of your pants and ending up in lifelong misery? Its extremely stupid.

If the girl even implies that she either a) likes, admires, enjoys, or has ever at any point in history dated a "bad boy" she can go to hell. I will never be friends or respect or even talk to her. If we are on a date or even 6 months in, she's gone. Or, b) if she says that 'guys have to treat me like a queen'... forget it. She has the wrong attitude.

Its not that I am going to be mean to her, but she has to realize that if she is going to date me its going to require her own work and effort and a selfless attitude of doing something for someone else.

Then again I am not yet 33 or close to it...hopefully they grow out of it.

[rwfromkansas]

If doing it for control purposes, he is using celibacy immorally.

It sounded to me like she wanted him to say he was going to marry her after 6 months.....6 months. If it was really just a "tiny little hint," then I would agree he messed up, but it sounds like it was more than just a hint.

[FourPeas]

I think you're reading too much into the article. He said the woman he was dating for six months wanted a committment. To me that means she wanted a ring or the promise of one. I see nothing wrong with him wanting to know her longer than six months before making a committment.

Yes, women expect men to show a sexual interest. The article never said he had no sexual interest, nor that he didn't express affection or love, just that he did not sleep with his girlfriends.

As a woman, I'd be thrilled with a man who made that choice. And, yes, I'd still be thrilled six months later even if I didn't have a ring. I applaud his decision and based on many of the comments on this thread, I'd say it's obvious why he's "still" not married at 33. Even FreeRepublic has many women not worthy of him.

[rwfromkansas]

It would be called fornication.

[TheSpottedOwl]

With my track record, for me to weigh in on what constitutes a successful marriage would be a bit like expecting Lizzie Borden to write her doctoral thesis on the Fourth Commandment.

ROTF!!! Hey at least you're honest ;-D

[strela]

Hey at least you're honest

I do try.