By Dred Locke and John W. Albanese
BSNN.net Headline News
Posted on 07/14/2003 12:07:52 PM PDT by goliath
NASCAR to Create Separate Racing Leagues for Blacks, Women (and anyone else who complains)
By Dred Locke and John W. Albanese
BSNN.net Headline News
CRACKEROPLIS, N.C. — NASCAR officials yesterday confirmed that in an effort to combat lingering suspicions that it is the last bastion of white male supremacy it will create two new separate but equal racing leagues. One league, tentatively titled the Bush League, will be open only to women competitors, while the other league, the KFC Bucket Series, will be exclusively for African-American drivers.
Company chairman and CEO Bill France Jr. made the announcement after repeated phone calls from Jesse Jackson and a couple of nasty emails from Martha Burke. To distinguish themselves from their male counterparts, the women will be driving stock SUV’s, such as the Chevy Suburban, Ford Expedition, Cadillac Escalade, and the Hummer H2, all running on a set of Firestone tires. These modified suburban assault vehicles will be powered by gas-guzzling 12 cylinder-15.5 liter engines designed by Lockheed-Martin in collaboration with General Electric.
Meanwhile, to distinguish themselves from their white supremacist counterparts, drivers competing in the KFC Bucket Series will drive identically configured 1976 Cadillac Eldorados. But the changes don't end there.
Bush League rules will require the ladies to use "self service" pits where they must change their tires and fuel their cars without the assistance of a pit crew. In addition, the lady drivers will be required to communicate with their race crews using hand-held cell phones provided by Nextel. Summer’s Eve, Goody’s Headache Powder, MasterCard and Snap-on-Tools have already agreed to be corporate sponsors of new Bush League teams.
For the KFC Series, the most significant departure from Winston Cup rules is the addition of New Jersey State Troopers patrolling the racetrack, arbitrarily stopping drivers and harassing them.
"It should make for some exciting racing," boasted Rodney King, who was selected by NASCAR to be the KFC Bucket Series' first commissioner. "There's nothing in the rules that says a driver has to stop when a Jersey Trooper pulls up behind, it's not like a black flag or anything."
Therefore, King says, some drivers will decide they can outrun the troopers and, if they're lucky, beat them to the checkered flag. On the other hand, if the trooper manages to force the recalcitrant driver off the road said driver will be in for a severe beating and rectal examination with billy club, not to mention a DNF. Other rule changes include changing the notorious "black" flag, which is used to penalize a driver, to a white flag. And to signal the final lap of a race the KFC Series will replace the traditional "white" flag with a big watermelon that will drop from the flag stand.
The all-women Bush League will be just as exciting promises veteran NASCAR driver Dick Trickle, who will serve as the racing series' commissioner.
"This new series will be very exciting for all them fans because there’s gonna' be a lot more of them accidents with them ladies on them tracks," Trickle told BSNN. "Just think about it, women traveling in suped-up SUV’s, running on Firestones and talking on them cell phones while banging doors on the 33-degree banking at Talladega. Man, there’s gonna' be a lot of them flips!"
To avoid going head-to-head with the white male bastion that is the Winston Cup Series, the Bush League Series will be held during the off-season winter months (they’ll be running 4x4’s so the women will race rain, snow or sleet), while the KFC Bucket Series will race every Friday night with the green flag dropping at midnight.
Testing for the Bush League's inaugural Midol 400 has already begun. Winston Cup driver Mark Martin is one of the lady team owners and has secured a Viagra sponsorship for his new venture. But if the new Team Viagra is any indication, it may be some time before these spin-off racing series are ready to compete with the big, white boys of NASCAR. The Viagra team suffered a letdown when driver Ima Long-Johnson blew the team's only engine during testing.
Martin commented on his driver’s ride: “Long-Johnson started out hard with all pistons pumping and burning rubber, but then she blew a rod coming down the homestretch, and came up short just before the finish line.”
Despite the minor setback, NASCAR is hopeful its new endeavors will succeed and plans are already being considered to add a Latino and Asian series to the mix.
"There's just one problem," NASCAR chairman and CEO Bill France Jr. told BSNN. "We're afraid them Latinos will have a hard time starting their cars, and we're not sure anyone is ready to watch a bunch of them Asians run around a track at 25 miles per hour with their turn signals flashing."
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So....this is for lesbians only then?!!
The New Jersey State Troopers might even find that some of the drivers are driving stolen race cars.
They ought to fill the talent pool from around here in northeast WI. 95% of the speeders are women. Most are multitasking while going at least 20 over the limit. The guys just stay out of the way.
Yes, I know it's a satire.
You forgot the little tiny steering wheels so they can drive with hand cuffs on.
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