The United States will send 22 million troops to Iraq this year to ensure the safety of every Iraqi and every structure in the country.
Dubbed 'Operation Buddy System' by Pentagon planners, the idea is to pair each Iraqi citizen with a battlefield-equipped American soldier or Marine.
"Since we disturbed the peace by overthrowing Saddam Hussein," said an unnamed Pentagon spokesman, "it's our responsibility to protect this nation. We don't know who the terrorists are, nor when and where they will attack. So, we'll just have to keep an eye on each of the 22 million Iraqis, 24/7."
The spokesman acknowledged that military recruiting would have to "increase substantially" to provide such a force, but in the meantime Manpower Inc. would provide temp workers to fill most of the positions. The rest would be covered by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) workers who will scan and frisk Iraqis coming from, and going to, anywhere.
Scott Ott, courtesy Scrappleface, © Copyright 2003 Scrappleface. All rights reserved.
'JACKASS' STAR JOHNNY KNOXVILLE OUTED AS INTELLECTUAL
HOLLYWOOD -- Johnny Knoxville, star of the daredevil moron show Jackass has been outed by The American Scholar Magazine as Dr. Jonathan Bentley Knoxville, Regius Professor of Classical Philology at All Soul's College of Oxford University and the author of such highly esteemed scholarly books as Rhetoric and Meaning in Aristotle's Poetics (U of Chicago Press, 1996) and Platonic Imagery in Beowulf (Penguin, 1999).
Industry insiders are outraged at what they claim is Dr. Knoxville's duplicity in passing himself off as an imbecile. The producers of Jackass have placed the show on hiatus while they try to assess the damage done by the revelation of Knoxville's double life.
"It couldn't get any worse," one highly placed source close to the show told this reporter. "Jackass has totally lost all of its street 'cred' with its core audience, the all-important demographic of males between the ages of 12 and 55 who find The Dukes of Hazzard too complex to follow".........