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It's on the Breaking News Sidebar
Posted on 10/12/2003 11:26:00 AM PDT by South40
NewsHax wire -- In a stunning upset that pollsters missed completely, actual hand tallied votes reveal that Gray Davis' replacement will not be Arnold Schwarzenegger as initially announced, but Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt. Flynt has won the California Gubernatorial race. With 65% of the vote, the margin of victory had many seasoned political analysts scrambling to determine exactly why the polls in recent weeks gave Flynt between, 'no chance in hell' and, 'a snowball's chance in hell' of winning.
Pollsters attribute their grevious error that nobody wanted to admit in public that they were secretly rooting for Larry. (more...)
"As best as we can figure, the sheer number of candidates segmented the vote along ideological lines we've never seen before. There were the '70's-Sitcom-Affectionados' who voted for Gary Coleman, going up against the 'Big-Breasted-Porn-Star' lobby who voted for Mary Carey. We fully expected the 'Woman-Groping-Nazi' segment to come out in greater force for Mr. Schwartzenegger, but frankly, that never happened", said Mr. Leroi LacCaroni, political analyst for the LaRouche organization.
"What we had here was a failure to communicate. Arnold and the others failed to get their point across as well as Larry Flynt and in the dead of night he sneaked in and stole the election faster than the Grinch on meth. His message apparently appealed to a larger demographic group in California (i.e. porn loving freaks) than the rest of the crowd of candidates, and he ran away with it. Well...he...uh...didn't really...RUN...if you know what I mean!"
When awakened from his drug-induced stupor for comment, Larry Flynt first uttered obscenities and then asked to have his diaper changed. His first act as governor is reportedly to have the governor's mansion painted pink. In a related story, Arnold Schwartzenegger was escorted away by police early this morning for parading around at the state capital naked, claiming to be from the future. According to Mary Carey: "He looks a lot bigger on screen, but then again, he'd have to."
Film at 11.
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