I am Benedictus of Borg.
Resistance is futile.
You will be assimilated ...
Posted on 08/19/2006 6:07:31 AM PDT by Teófilo
Many people think of the saints as examples of strong Christian faith and perhaps even as companions and helpers in our faith journey. If they involve the saints in their prayer life at all, it is strictly as intercessors who can help them grow in grace. I don't think of them that way at all, though. I think of them more as powerful near-deities who can help me to gain material blessings. That's because I am a Roman Catholic.
The most powerful of these saints is clearly Mary, who has God completely under her power. Anything I ask of Mary, I get, including that Game Cube. That's because I am a Roman Catholic. I worship Mary because I am a Roman Catholic. I also worship the pope and think that every word that comes out of his mouth is the Word of the Lord, because it is. That's what Roman Catholics believe. Just ask your Sunday School teacher. I would readily betray my nation for the sake of that lovable Italian prince, and in fact I'm rather pissed off that the Muslims preempted us in trying to overthrow the United States. We made some real headway when Kennedy was president, but then one of those Christians shot him. As a Roman Catholic, I hate Christians.
Of all the parts of being a Roman Catholic, though, I enjoy the cannibalism the most. Nothing fills you up quite like the Body of Christ (better hope you don't get a bone!) and nothing quenches your thirst like the Blood (drink it before it clots, heh, heh!). It's even better late Saturday nights, when the priest sacrifices a virgin and we gorge ourselves on her flesh. We figure, heck, if it's good to eat the body and blood of a guy who's been dead for two thousand years, why not someone who's been dead a few minutes?
I remember last year, when I was in Europe and got a chance to see the pope himself celebrate a High Black Mass with all the bells and whistles. Satan himself made an appearance, standing on the altar. In fact, he gave the homily. He told us all that we were doing really good infiltrating Protestant nations. He reminded us of his profound disappointment when the True Faith slipped out after he had been concealing it under the Black Shadow of Romanism for those long 1500 years. At that cue, we all pulled out our effigies of Martin Luther and set them on fire, then put them in our mouths while they were still on fire, to show our belief in magic. Then we said a Hail Mary and tore apart a Bible, and the pope went on with the mass.
Ever since then, I've been trying to indoctrinate as many people as possible with the pernicious teachings of the Church of Rome. I hope to marry a Protestant and convert her, so that we can have a brood of ten Catholic children to increase the power of the Roman Pontiff. All this, just because I am a Roman Catholic. I encourage you to enter into Rome's loving embrace as well. I mean, it's either that or go to heaven, right?
PONG! (I grew tired of typing "ping")
I had to laugh at the cannibalism part of the Eucharist. (I remember a dear friend of mine, who is Methodist, asking how we could eat flesh during communion!)
Blessings to you, my friend!
BTW... a great site for some excellent books, you may find interesting:
http://www.booksforcatholics.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=CTGY&Store_Code=B&Category_Code=Learning_the_Faith
Enjoy!
Could have been written by Jack Chick, himself.
This is hilarious!
I am an Anglican,
I am C.E.
Not the High Church,
Nor Low Church,
But Protestant, Episcopal and free.
Not a Methodist,
Not a Presbyter,
Not a Baptist, white with foam,
I am an Anglican,
Just one step from Rome!
My daughter was confirmed in the Episcopal church before we crossed the Tiber (she was rather miffed because she had to turn right around and go to confirmation class in our new parish. But she actually learned something in the Catholic classes.)
Anyhow, in her Episcopalian confirmation class, there was no learning of theology or history or facts, only all sorts of fuzzy gas about "feelings" and "faith journey". The well-meaning but uncatechized middle-aged ladies who were leading the class used the term "faith journey" so many times in every session that my daughter and I started keeping score. I think we got up to around thirty, but then we got the giggles and kind of lost track.
>>I hope to marry a Protestant and convert her, so that we can have a brood of ten Catholic children to increase the power of the Roman Pontiff.<<
Oh, BTW, I did marry a Protestant and he converted. Last week he got his Miraculous Metal microchip to receive the broadcasts from B16 straight into his brain.
Oooops, we aren't suppose to tell about that, are we?
No kidding, Jack Chick. Loved his 'Death Cookie.' There's a guy who makes me roll on the floor. not.
Shhhhh! Don't blow our cover! We need to get the next super double secret broadcast from The Vatican . . .
Sad and true. Maybe Chick or one of his best students were a ghost writer for this? And so it continues...
This is HUMOR written by a Catholic man aimed at anti-Catholics by co-opting their own rhetoric against us. It's not a dish against Catholics, but against what others perceive Catholics to be.
In this sense--in fact, in all senses--I too am a Roman Catholic. Long live Rome!
-Theo
I enjoy going to christian book stores and finding books on my faith in the "occult" section.
That is especially enjoyable.
I wish I were a Catholic Charismatic,
That is what I really want to be-e-e,
'Cause if I were a Catholic Charismatic,
Everyone would lay their hands on me!
We're going to take over the world!!! MMMUUUUUUUWWWWWWAAAAHHHAAAAHAHHHAHAahahahahahahaha!
I am Benedictus of Borg.
Resistance is futile.
You will be assimilated ...
We just had nuber 3 and are planning for number 4 already. A far cry from 10 but we're doing our best! We need more Papists!
I see nothing amusing about this essay..It is total Blasphemy..straight from hell..how can you laugh at it?
This is HUMOR written by a Catholic man aimed at anti-Catholics by co-opting their own rhetoric against us. It's not a dish against Catholics, but against what others perceive Catholics to be.
At lease I thought so until today...:-D
In this sense--in fact, in all senses--I too am a Roman Catholic. Long live Rome!
-Theo
Neat! What is the 800-number?
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