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Humor (Religion)

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  • Is The Vatican Hiding Aliens?

    04/08/2014 12:41:31 PM PDT · by NKP_Vet · 75 replies
    http://www.catholicleague.org ^ | March 8, 2014 | Bill Donohue
    Bill Donohue comments on last night’s show, “Unsealed: Alien Files,” that aired on the Science Channel: The program speculates that “new evidence may prove the Vatican is hiding actual aliens from the public.” Either that or the channel will rename itself the Sci-fi Channel. The priest who directs the Vatican observatory, Dr. Jose Funes, was interviewed for the program, and he made the rather unexceptional remark that the universe is so huge that “it would be possible that life could evolve the way we know it on Earth.” This is soon followed by a voiceover that says, “Vatican officials have...
  • If you haven’t given up laughter for Lent…

    04/01/2014 4:05:23 PM PDT · by NYer · 2 replies
    cns ^ | April 1, 2014 | Carol Glatz
    VATICAN CITY — It may be Lent, but the Catholic Church hasn’t given up its sense of humor as part of this penitential season.A group of Jesuits, Dominicans and a UK news agency are all having a bit of fun this April Fools Day.A digitally manipulated photo posted on the “Independent Catholic News” website. http://www.indcatholicnews.com is an online news service in the UK. The online news service in the UK, Independent Catholic News, reported this morning that the Vatican was implementing tough new measures to fight off ravenous seagulls circling St. Peter’s Square and ruining its doves-for-peace releases.I.C.N. reported (tongue-in-cheek)...
  • Study: Small Group Hazing At All-Time High

    04/01/2014 11:06:30 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 14 replies
    CHICAGO – A new study to be published in Christianity Today magazine exposes a dangerous wave of church subculture that has built enormous momentum over the past decade. Hazing, which until now has been almost entirely associated with college fraternities and sororities, has made its way into our churches as a method of initiating would-be small group members and filtering out those too weak to join. While most colleges have squelched hazing in recent years, a new surge in small group hazing—resulting in at least two fatalities—is causing some pastors to follow suit and ban the practice altogether. “This has...
  • I, Gamecock, completed RICO and will become Catholic next week.

    04/01/2014 5:34:45 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 38 replies
    1 April 2014 | Gamecock
    I... After careful prayer and... Sorry. Even though it is April Fools Day I just can't pull this off.
  • New Ecumenical English Missal

    04/01/2014 2:01:31 AM PDT · by markomalley · 5 replies
    Liturgy (NZ) ^ | 4/1/2014 | Bosco Peters
    UPDATED with some other sites telling this same story: Fr Z (Fr. John Zuhlsdorf), Pray Tell, The Telegraph,…A rumour has been growing about a possible review of the Roman Catholic missal translation, but no one anticipated the announcement of a New Ecumenical English Missal Project, which will mean that the words for the whole Eucharist will be the same across a number of significant English-speaking denominations.Pope Francis, ever taking people by surprise, in only the second year of his papacy, pointedly, on the feast day of a woman saint, St Theodora (April 1), is formally signing the declaration that he...
  • Father Hunwicke's Spring Examination Paper

    03/29/2014 8:42:03 AM PDT · by marshmallow · 1 replies
    Fr. Hunwicke's Mutual Enriichment ^ | 3/27/14 | Fr. John Hunwicke
    Question 1. "X told Y to do Z voluntarily". Using Formal Logic, vindicate the internal coherence of this statement. [Candidates may not use more than eleven sheets of A4, but must show all workings.]Question 2. Compose, in the style of Plato, a Dialogue on Tapeinosis between Socrates, Prometheus, and Neo-Pelagius. [Credit will be given to candidates making reference to Pandora and her box.]Question 3. Construct a treatise, as if written by a German Cardinal, demonstrating that, although Genocide is not, strictly speaking, acceptable in the current state of the Magisterium, it could nevertheless (given its abiding popularity in both the...
  • Why Obedience to all Ten Commandments is Essential

    03/27/2014 10:20:21 AM PDT · by Repent and Believe · 40 replies
    (Personal Letter) ^ | 3/27/2014 anno Domini | RepentandBelieve
    The Ten Commandments of The Automakers: 1. Thou shalt not drive thy automobile without having oil in the engine 2. Thou shalt not drive thy automobile without a connected battery of 12 volts D.C. 3. Thou shalt not lock the doors of thy automobile and dispose of all of the keys 4. Thou shalt not cover all of the openings provided through which to view the surroundings 5. Thou shalt not remove all of the wheels on thy automobile’s axles 6. Thou shalt not remove thy steering wheel with which to control the automobile’s direction 7. Thou shalt not forget...
  • The New York Times’ 3 Worst Corrections On Christian Holidays*

    03/18/2014 7:03:20 AM PDT · by Pan_Yan · 4 replies
    The Federalist ^ | March 17, 2014 | Mollie Hemingway
    The New York Times’ 3 Worst Corrections On Christian Holidays* *Technically, one of these might not be real. March 17, 2014 By Mollie Hemingway An earlier version of this article mischaracterized the Christian holiday of Easter. It is the celebration of Jesus’s resurrection from the dead, not his resurrection into heaven. —The New York Times, April 1, 2013 An earlier version of this article misquoted a comment from Malachy McCourt on St. Patrick. Mr. McCourt said, “My attitude is, St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland and they all came here and they became conservatives.” He did not say St....
  • Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Address in St. Peter’s Square [video]

    03/04/2014 2:11:28 AM PST · by DaveMSmith · 12 replies
    The Blaze ^ | Mar. 3, 2014 2:59pm | Billy Hallowell
    Pope Francis stunned a live audience in St. Peter’s Square Sunday when he accidentally dropped the Italian equivalent of the F-bomb instead of a similar-sounding word he meant to use. “If each of us were to accumulate wealth not only for ourselves but to put at the service of others, in this f*** — in this case God’s providence would manifest itself in this gesture of solidarity,” he said. The pontiff apparently meant to use the word “caso,” which means “example” in Italian. Instead, he said “cazzo” — a simple mistake, but one that came along with wildly different context,...
  • Pope Benedict resigned early to avoid clash with World Cup

    03/02/2014 6:13:06 PM PST · by ebb tide · 14 replies
    The Telegraph ^ | 2/28/2014
    The football World Cup taking place in Brazil this year indirectly prompted Benedict XVI to bring forward his resignation as pope by a year, his private secretary has said.
  • There’s marriage and then there’s marriage*

    03/02/2014 12:09:13 PM PST · by NYer · 18 replies
    WDTPRS ^ | March 1, 2014 | Fr. John Zuhlsdorf
    I had a comment in my messages from an Observant Person who had the misfortune to read an article about Card. Kasper’s remarks on marriage in advance of the Synod.The Observant Person pulled a strange quote from Kasper via CNS: “he allowed for the possibility that in very specific cases the church could tolerate, though not accept, a second union.”? Huh? ”Tolerate though not accept”?There’s marriage and then there’s marriage*How can the Church tolerate what the Church cannot accept? There is a logical disconnect.What is this supposed to look like in concrete terms?Let’s take this into the parish. There are...
  • Joel Osteen purchases Catholicism in time for Easter

    02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 65 replies
    Derf Magazine ^ | 02/25/2014
    LAKEWOOD, TX - Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales. Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at...
  • Powerful winds rip off roof to church in Huntington, WV

    02/21/2014 6:49:55 PM PST · by Morgana · 6 replies
    WOWK-TV ^ | Lisa Robbins
    HUNTINGTON, WV - Powerful winds and heavy rain blew through the area Friday. In West Huntington, the winds were so strong, they ripped off a roof and steeple at Open Door Baptist Church on Madison Avenue. Dan Houdyschell said he heard the storm roll through. "Just a lot of wind around 2 a.m.; garbage cans flying and stuff like that," he said. Steve Wayne is a pastor at Celebration Church, which is just across the street from the damage. "I couldn't believe when I saw that their roof is in the road and the steeple; I can't imagine the damage...
  • Proverb A Day, Proverb 21 [Prayer and Meditation]

    02/21/2014 8:54:19 AM PST · by OneVike · 11 replies
    Bible NKJV | 900 BC | Solomon
    Proverb 21 (NKJV) The LORD Considers the Heart 01 The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, 00 Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes. 02 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, 00 But the LORD weighs the hearts. 03 To do righteousness and justice 00 Is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice. 04 A haughty look, a proud heart, 00 And the plowing of the wicked are sin. 05 The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, 00 But those of everyone who is hasty,...
  • Presbyterian Proverbs

    02/18/2014 3:53:38 PM PST · by Gamecock · 11 replies
    An advantage of being in the same church for a long time is that you have an opportunity to see things play out. You can observe parenting and then watch the “parented” children grow up. You can see folks go from young parents to empty nesters. You can see all sorts of people just passing through. In short, you’re around long enough for time to tell its story. And if it told proverbs about Presbyterian church life, they might sound like this. One who speaketh in his first Sunday School class will evaporate like the morning dew. It’s uncanny –...
  • Pope Michael Doesn’t Know What All The Commotion Is About

    02/11/2014 8:13:20 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 14 replies
    Eye Of The Tiber ^ | 2/11/2013 | Admin
    Belvue, KS – Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. “His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues,” a source reported to his mailman. “His Holiness is in perfect health…in fact, he has all the energy and vigor of a 56-year-old layman from Kansas.” Another source, his auntie, who was present at the press conference with the mailman also went...
  • Toast Appears on Jesus Christ

    02/11/2014 7:07:29 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 17 replies
    The Museum of Hoaxes ^ | March 30, 2008 | Alex
    John Ordover sent this in. He was looking at a picture of Jesus (or rather, an artist's interpretation of what Jesus might have looked like) when he realized a piece of toast had miraculously appeared on it. I think this must be a message from John's toaster! But can we be sure that actually is a piece of toast? It kinda looks like a granola bar to me.
  • Congregation Collects Marlboro Miles, Decorates Church

    02/04/2014 2:52:58 PM PST · by Gamecock · 12 replies
    WABASH, IN. — Bake sales. Car washes. Bingo. Churches for decades have relied on tried and true methods of fundraising when tithes and offerings left vision-thick congregations in a lurch. But Wabash Christian Center has taken a unique approach to supplying ministerial needs. Eschewing fundraising altogether, the 20-year-old fellowship collects Marlboro Miles to outfit its church. Smokers for years collected Marlboro Miles from packs of cigarettes and redeemed them through the company’s product catalogue, which featured prizes ranging from T-shirts to camping tents. Marlboro added “Spiritline” in 2008 and the congregation took full advantage. “That’s how we got our new...
  • Irresistable Grace (Calvinist humor)

    01/17/2014 10:17:41 AM PST · by dangus · 119 replies
  • The Pope Francis Little Book of Insults

    01/14/2014 8:11:57 PM PST · by marshmallow · 6 replies
    That The Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill ^ | 12/3/13 (updated 1/13/14) | Laurence England
    I've been commissioned to compile The Pope Francis Little Book of Insults. Have I missed any out? It will hit the shelf at Christmas, for Ł6.99, but you get a 20% discount if you insult the cash till operator with any of the following insults. My favourite is "You querulous and disillusioned pessimist!" It should not be confused with The Pope Francis Little Book of Indults, which will be published in 2014, first in Germany and then then the rest of Europe. "Old maid!" "Fomenter of coprophagia!" "Specialist of the Logos!" "Rosary counter!" "Functionary!" Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian!" "Restorationist!" "Pelagian!" "Mr...
  • I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE POPE IS TALKING ABOUT, AND NEITHER DO YOU (in this photo)

    01/13/2014 2:52:51 PM PST · by NYer · 23 replies
    Catholic Vote ^ | January 12, 2014 | JOHN WHITE
    In this photograph, I mean. After all, not knowing what the person is actually saying is what makes a caption contest fun, right?Besides, if there’s anything we’ve learned in the past year, it’s that having no clue what Pope Francis is saying should never be a hindrance to putting words in his mouth.And Thomas – sorry for so shamelessly treading on your turf, but it’s such a great picture I couldn’t pass it up.So readers, have at it. What captions can you come up with for this great photo of Pope Francis?I took a few stabs at it myself…“No, I’m serious...
  • Osteen Books Flop in 10/40 Window

    01/10/2014 1:06:21 PM PST · by Gamecock · 39 replies
    For "America's Pastor," everything seems to be going extremely well right now in the USA. Lakewood Church is bursting at the seams. Pastor Osteen continues to be invited to speak on TV shows such as Larry King Live. AIROST will soon be adding routes to five new cities. Your Best Life Now has set numerous sales records. And now his new book (Become a Better You) is ready to come into stores all over the USA. One problem remains for Pastor Joel. His books are not selling well in a large part of the world: the "10/40 window." The "10/40...
  • Today's Toons 1/7/14

    01/07/2014 1:28:02 AM PST · by pookie18 · 18 replies
    The Right Reasons ^ | 1/7/14 | pookie18
    Click on link.
  • It's official: Episcopal Church's COO says Katharine Jefferts Schori has Abolished Sin

    01/04/2014 9:36:01 PM PST · by ReformationFan · 22 replies
    Virtue Online ^ | 1-4-14 | David W. Virtue
    NEW YORK CITY, NY --- The Episcopal Church's COO, Bishop Stacy Sauls announced this week that Katharine Jefferts Schori, the church's Presiding Bishop, had "abolished sin" after well-known intellectual and gay theological heavy-weight Bishop Gene Robinson wrote that she had effectively done so through her words and beliefs. The exchange took place following a meeting of Integrity, the rambunctious, noisy Episcopal Gay organization, following a night on the town (NYC) that was described by one participant as "a night of unbridled debauchery and lechery" in memory of the now deceased Bishop Otis Charles, the first outed gay TEC bishop. The...
  • On the Futile Quest to Find Happiness from the World, as Taught to us by Ormie the Pig

    01/04/2014 1:35:25 PM PST · by NYer · 3 replies
    Archdiocese of Washington ^ | January 4, 2014 | Msgr. Charles Pope
    The video below is a humorous depiction of the utter frustration of seeking our fulfillment in or from this world. Ormie the Pig seeks cookies that are just out of reach and he will go to every length to get them.Many are like this in our world. In a quest for illusory happiness, many will spare no expense, and even self-destruct seeking to fill the God-sized hole in their heart.But it never works, because our desires are infinite, and a finite world just can’t seal the deal. We are always left unsatisfied. Our complete fulfillment can only be with God....
  • Mormons VS Epic Black Guy

    12/31/2013 8:04:02 AM PST · by Anton.Rutter · 80 replies
    YouTube ^ | August 30, 2010 | papaseanx5
    Mormon missionaries on bicycles decide to proselytize the WRONG man...
  • Eye Of The Tiber 2013 Year In Review

    12/31/2013 3:59:18 AM PST · by markomalley · 2 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/31/2013
    This January, Canadian pastor Ben Gregor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours after no laity could be found to bring the gifts up to the altar. After being questioned as to why there needed be anyone to bring up the gifts, Gregor justified his decision telling EOTT that, “Without Mary’s Fiat, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laity’s Fiat in presenting, there is no bread to become Jesus.” Later that month near riots broke out in Baker, Oregon after female parishioners became outraged that men were not also being asked to...
  • Mormon ‘Bachelor’ show surprise: He marries them all

    12/27/2013 6:17:56 AM PST · by Gamecock · 10 replies
    SALT LAKE CITY — The producers of a Mormon version of the popular “Bachelor” television program were dealt a rude surprise when their lead man got down on his knee and proposed to all six finalists. “I couldn’t make up my mind,” said Larry Whistall, 29, the bachelor. “I realized they all had good qualities, so I went the polygamy route.” Five of the six women said yes, and now say they look forward to moving to rural Utah and bearing Whistall as many children as physically possible. And in-fighting? Not a problem, they claim. “Me and the other women...
  • ‘Play Dates, Life Mates’: eHarmony for Kids goes nationwide

    12/27/2013 6:15:14 AM PST · by Gamecock · 21 replies
    PASADENA — Four years ago, match site eHarmony quietly launched a new initiative, eHarmony4Kids, to help parents find mates for their children. The new program, whose tagline is “Play Dates, Life Mates. eHarmony for Kids,” has worked so well that the company is rolling it out nationally this year. “People want to steer their kids toward compatible potential life partners at an early age,” says an eHarmony spokesman. “Core beliefs are in place at a young age so we can help them do that.” Parents in Nashville, Seattle, Sacramento and Boston were secretly invited to participate in the field testing....
  • Pope Francis Condemns Racism And Declares That “All Religions Are True” At Historic Third Vatican...

    12/23/2013 2:25:55 AM PST · by markomalley · 35 replies
    For the last six months, Catholic cardinals, bishops and theologians have been deliberating in Vatican City, discussing the future of the church and redefining long-held Catholic doctrines and dogmas. The Third Vatican Council, is undoubtedly the largest and most important since the Second Vatican Council was concluded in 1962. Pope Francis convened the new council to “finally finish the work of the Second Vatican Council.” While some traditionalists and conservative reactionaries on the far right have decried these efforts, they have delighted progressives around the world.The Third Vatican Council concluded today with Pope Francis announcing that Catholicism is now a...
  • 'Twas the Night Before Smithmas! [WalterMartin.com]

    12/21/2013 9:31:50 AM PST · by Colofornian · 20 replies
    WalterMartin.com ^ | Dec. 16, 2013 | Apologette
    'Twas the night before Smithmas, and all through the temple, Not a cumelon was creeping, or a tapir, (for ex-emple!) The garments were hung out to dry in the air, But fortunately for us, we have two extra pairs. The children were stashed at Gramma's homestead, While Mom and Pop got dunked once again for the dead! And Mom in her veil, and I in my old bakers' cap, Had just about finished another endowment wrap! When beyond the temple grounds I heard a big clatter Even sprang from my seat to see about the chatter; To the pentagram window...
  • Smells of Palestine enhance Christmas dramas

    12/20/2013 6:57:41 AM PST · by Gamecock · 14 replies
    MADISON, Wisc. — Last year, First Christian Church brought in live donkeys to wow the audience at its annual Christmas drama. This year, they’re adding “scented sensations which bring the Holy Land to life.” In short, their presentation is going to stink. With a slew of Christmas presentations vying for local audiences this year, churches are embracing far-out measures to enliven December dramas. This season’s fad is Smells of Palestine, a “sensory kit” sold by The Ol’ Factory Worship Experience, a Dallas company. The kit pumps “authentic smells” into the sanctuary during re-enactments of the Christmas story. “It works like...
  • Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever

    12/05/2013 5:51:23 PM PST · by Gamecock · 9 replies
    Full Title: Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever; Churches sharpen seasonal services to nab annual worshipers ANNAPOLIS, MD – Christine Eagen sits at the table in her neatly decorated suburban dining room with an open phone book, a wall calendar, a notepad and a laptop. She circles church listings in the phone book with a red sharpie, visits their Web sites on her laptop and pencils in their names on her calendar between November 25th and December 24th, all the while taking copious notes. “There are so many churches in the area, and we have such a limited...
  • [SATIRE] Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion

    12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 36 replies
    CAP News ^ | CAP News Staff
    BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents. "Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind." According to O'Malley, the first batch of...
  • Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation...

    12/02/2013 3:47:37 AM PST · by markomalley · 30 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/1/2013
    A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals. ROME (EotT) The recent decision to close the current “free-standing” U.S. Embassy to the Holy See was made because of “growing fears of a Benghazi-like terrorost attack” led by 60 to 90-year-old zealot priests and nuns stationed in the Vatican, the U.S. State Department confirmed today. The decision has led to sharp criticism by Vatican officials who say that the U.S. has not clearly specified any plot to overtake the embassy. But U.S. intelligence officials say they have been tracking a growing threat against...
  • Two (soon to be) Saints Who Smiled

    11/30/2013 11:37:38 AM PST · by Salvation · 3 replies
    WAU.org ^ | November 2013 | Louise Perrotta
    Two Saints Who Smiled John XXIII and John Paul II were fervent, funny, and free in the Spirit. By: Louise Perrotta “God loves a cheerful giver.” So does everyone else. There’s something very attractive about people who live a life of deep faith but do it “without sadness or compulsion” (2 Corinthians 9:7).Each in his own way, Angelo Roncalli and Karol Wojtyla brought this joyful outlook to the demanding role of “servant of the servants of God.” Both men were outstanding spiritual leaders and major players on the world stage—the only two popes ever to be chosen “Man of...
  • Nun Trampled Near Scapular Section During “O’Brien’s Church Supplies” Black Friday Sale

    11/29/2013 3:16:47 PM PST · by markomalley · 15 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/29/2013
    Biloxi, MS (EotT) An O’Brien’s Church Supplies shopper was injured earlier today after an out of control mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Biloxi store’s front doors and trampled her, police said. The Black Friday stampede plunged the religious good store into chaos as hundreds of people desperately tried to get their hands on the newly-released Sixfold Scapular, knocking several employees to the ground and sending others scurrying atop statues to avoid the horde. When the chaos finally ended, 57-year-old Sister Angelica Bettington was injured with a cracked rip and a lacerated spleen. “She fell over as she tried...
  • Newly Revealed Catacomb Painting Undeniable Proof That Women Were Able To Raise Hands In Air...

    11/23/2013 5:22:17 AM PST · by markomalley · 29 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/23/2013
    VATICAN (EotT) Newly restored frescoes from the Catacombs of Priscilla were unveiled by the Vatican on Tuesday, some of which reveal that women in early Christianity were able to lift their hands in the air. This has led some to conclude that if a woman was able to lift her hands above her shoulders as the image suggests, then early Christians must have allowed women to become priests. The Catacombs, which are located in the northern part of Rome, and are better known as the “Queen of the catacombs” features 4th century paintings from biblical scenes, one showing an image...
  • [Satire] Millions of Catholics Celebrating Advent Two Months Early

    11/22/2013 11:01:00 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 32 replies
    DFW Catholic ^ | November 18th, 2013 | Father John Hollowell
    Rome, Italy: Fr. Guiseppe Gnocchi, secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship, today lamented a growing trend around the world – the premature celebration of Advent. “A not insignificant amount of Catholics are ignoring the Liturgical Calendar, and are instead celebrating Advent way in advance.” Margie Hopkins of Pittsburgh noted, “This year, I had my Advent wreath up a week before Halloween.” Many Catholics are shirking the Church’s calendar because they are seeking more silence and introspection. Jay Johnson from Cheyenne shared that “4 weeks isn’t even close to the amount of time that I need to spiritually prepare for...
  • Church Leaders Urge Christians to Reduce Their Prayer Footprints

    11/22/2013 9:25:59 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 21 replies
    VATICAN CITY — An unprecedented summit of Christian leaders convened here earlier this month to take part in a summit to address what many fear could be the greatest spiritual crisis of our time — a shortage of prayer. “With the global economic crisis touching more and more lives around the world, we have just one question,” said Cardinal Sean Patrick O’Malley. “Where is all of the extra prayer that these people need going to come from?” A portion of the summit, which included both evangelical and Catholic leaders from around the world, was focused on finding alternative sources of...
  • Mormons try to benefit from satire's success

    11/22/2013 7:41:15 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 9 replies
    Tampa Tribune ^ | November 16, 2013 | Michelle Bearden
    TAMPA — It's rollicking, risqué and oh, so irreverent. So if you're a member of good standing of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, how do you react to “The Book of Mormon,” the blockbuster musical that makes a mockery of your religion? You embrace it. “Even bad publicity can turn into good publicity,” said Mark Cusick, president of the Florida Tampa mission of the LDS church. “We're looking at it as an entry point to tell people what our religion is all about. The idea is you've seen the play, now read the book.” So don't look...
  • ‘Proverbs 31 husband’ justifies beer habit

    11/22/2013 6:01:31 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 36 replies
    MINOT, N.D. — Jack Crocker, a beer-loving machinist and “part-time Christian,” finally agreed to read Proverbs with wife Reanna. He’s glad he did. “I’m a Proverbs 31 husband all right,” says Jack, then quotes Proverbs 31:6-7: “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.” “That’s my permission to crack open a cold one,” Jack says, having a Coors after dinner. But Reanna, a new church member, is pushing Jack hard to stop drinking. She insists he is neither “perishing” nor “in...
  • [SATIRE] Vatican: Priests can’t marry, but they can date

    11/21/2013 4:31:08 PM PST · by Gamecock · 46 replies
    VATICAN CITY — In a surprise move, the Vatican announced late Thursday that while priests cannot marry, they can date. “We invite priests to test the singles market, as long as they keep it above the neck and don’t make long-term commitments,” says a spokesman. A dozen priest-dating sites with names like EverDating.com sprung up immediately, with tens of thousands of priests offering photos and descriptions of their likes and dislikes to potential paramours. Most offered a disclaimer that said they could develop a significant platonic relationship, but marriage was off limits. “It’s completely natural for men and women to...
  • [Satire] Report: All That Really Matters Is Having A Good Heart

    11/21/2013 4:07:49 PM PST · by markomalley · 14 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/21/2013
    Portland, OR (EoTT) A new study released today by millions of Catholics and non-Catholics from across the globe shows that having a good heart is more pleasing to God than following the teachings of the Church. “I’m so happy to say that after close to 2,000 years of dogmatism, we have successfully proven that the way into God’s heart, and ultimately into Heaven, is not by going to church or confessions, but by being nice,” said Hugh Benson, the 48-year-old lapsed Catholic who spearheaded the study. “It’s not to say that Catholics that go to Mass cannot go to heaven,...
  • Report: Jesus Spoke With Spectacular British Accent

    11/17/2013 5:15:36 PM PST · by markomalley · 79 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/17/2013
    Lansing, MI––A recently discovered DVD found in the attic of the Williams family last night has shed light on the language and accent used by the Son of God while on earth, the Lansing family is reporting this morning. After close to 2,000 years, the mystery of Jesus’ dialect and accent was answered after the Williams family’s stunning find while watching a DVD of the 1977 television miniseries of Jesus of Nazareth produced by the BBC. The 2-DVD set, which many in the Williams family believed was “lost forever” showed Jesus of Nazareth speaking in English, a shocking revelation...
  • [SATIRE] As Catholic numbers decline, old church tries new tricks

    11/16/2013 4:48:41 PM PST · by Alex Murphy · 38 replies
    MEXICO CITY — Capitalizing on momentum from recent papal events, the Catholic church yesterday acknowledged its “insane jealousy and rabid envy of Pentecostals” in Latin America, and launched an ambitious plan to re-assert itself in countries where it has lost ground. Fleets of CC-Mobiles, new roving confession and Communion trucks, are plying neighborhoods in Mexico and the U.S. “When I heard the tinkling music, I thought it was the ice cream man, so I sent the kids out with money,” says Maria Gonzalez. “Then I saw a priest at the wheel. He invited us into the truck to have brightly-colored...
  • Ministry changes name to Campus Jihad for Christ

    11/15/2013 6:19:18 AM PST · by Gamecock · 30 replies
    ORLANDO — In an effort to broaden their international appeal, Campus Crusade for Christ, the venerable evangelism organization founded by Bill and Vonette Bright 52 years ago, has changed its name to Campus Jihad for Christ. “When the ministry started in 1951, ‘crusade’ was a bold, evocative word,” says Campus Jihad spokesman Tony Ulkes. “Now it has negative overtones and kind of a fifteenth-century ring to it, particularly in Europe and the Middle East, where we’re expanding. But ‘jihad’ is considered by young people to be new and fresh, and it means virtually the same thing as ‘crusade’. So we’re...
  • Family buys hut next to sponsored child

    11/08/2013 8:31:01 AM PST · by Gamecock · 45 replies
    TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras — Greg and Lisa Nillson of East Texas started sponsoring Carlita from Honduras in June. Two months later they bought the hut next door to where Carlita lives. “This is a key relationship for us,” says Greg. “We don’t want a long-distance thing. We want to do life with this family.” The Nillsons’ new hut, which cost them a few hundred dollars, is made of wood planks and pieces of scrap tin. Greg brought his camping equipment and they are busy becoming “part of the neighborhood” with visits every couple of months. Lisa is planting a garden and...
  • Calvin grads dominate pastors draft

    11/08/2013 8:23:18 AM PST · by Gamecock · 35 replies
    COLORADO SPRINGS — Big names and big surprises converged before a nationwide audience at the Pastors Draft this season. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this,” said Alvin DeWalt, 26, of Fuller Seminary, pacing his apartment in Pasadena and watching the draft on the Daystar network. His wife had made guacamole, and thirty friends were on hand to see which church picked DeWalt, one of this year’s top ranked prospects. In the first round, Geoff Parsons and Rick Benson, of Westminster and Calvin seminaries respectively, went first, as scouts had predicted they would. Parsons heads to a struggling mid-sized...
  • Groundbreaking ceremony held for new "Citeaux Center" in London

    11/05/2013 2:06:37 PM PST · by Alex Murphy · 4 replies
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    Following Pope Benedict XVI's successful visit to the United Kingdom in 2010, the Vatican announced today the groundbreaking of the Citeaux Center, just a few blocks east of Elizabeth Tower in London. The official website for the facility says that it will include a parish "to be run separately from the Archdiocese of Westminster in England but open and accessible to all members, visitors and the Greater London community". The nave is planned to occupy four floors of the 12 story building.Besides the worship space, the plan is to include a museum recreating a thirteenth century oubliette, as well as...