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Humor (Religion)

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  • Todd Unctuous on Hobby Lobby [Hilarious! Parody!] [.... I Think...]

    07/11/2014 11:32:48 AM PDT · by Mrs. Don-o · 16 replies
    Standing on my Head ^ | July 2, 2014 | Fr. Dwight Longenecker
    [Guest blogger Todd Unctuous is top commentator for MSM. With a degree in Media Studies from Scranton Community College, Todd writes for many papers and websites, and is known for his incisive writing, objective reporting and razor sharp comment.] As we prepare to celebrate the Forth of July vacation this weekend I am deeply concerned to find that a small group of rich white Christian men are persecuting women in their businesses by denying them proper health care. I have heard that the owner of Hobby Lobby insists that his female employees sign a contract assuring him that they are...
  • WILL THE FIFA SHOWDOWN BE A PAPAL THROWDOWN?

    07/10/2014 2:24:38 PM PDT · by NYer · 7 replies
    Catholic Vote ^ | July 10, 2014 | KATE O'HARE
    Courtesy of the very funny folks at CatholicMemes.com.Who saw this coming? The papal craziness hits a new high on Sunday, July 13 — OMIGOSH, it’s 7/13, and Pope Francis was elected on 3/13/13, and my mind is blown — when Argentina goes up against Germany in the finals of the FIFA World Cup of Soccer/Football, in Rio de Janeiro, host city for Francis’ triumphal “Pope-acabana” phenomenon at 2013 World Youth Day.Some are even calling it the Pope Cup and hashtagging it #PopeCupSunday.The Catholic world now faces a dilemma of intercontinental proportions.Team Benedict XVI or Team Francis? And if you...
  • Pelosi Excommunicates Cordileone

    06/18/2014 2:15:28 AM PDT · by markomalley · 7 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 6/17/2014
    In an astonishing move today, Minority Leader of the House of Representatives and Mouthpiece of God in the United States Nancy Pelosi has excommunicated San Francisco Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone. The move comes just a day after Pelosi sent Cordileone a letter asking him not to attend the National Organization for Marriage march in Washington D.C., calling the event venom masquerading as virtue. In response to the letter, Cordileone issued a response saying that the March for Marriage is not anti-LGBT, but rather, it is a pro-marriage march. The letter of excommunication begins with Pelosi regretfully informing the San Francisco bishop...
  • [Satire] Pope Attends Charismatic Prayer Service To Experience What Torture Feels Like

    06/03/2014 4:03:13 AM PDT · by markomalley · 9 replies
    ROME – Pope Francis led a pep rally yesterday in Rome’s Olympic Stadium in front of more than 50,000 Catholics who follow charismatic movements.While listening to what many have termed “the most heinous music ever prayed to,” 50,000 Catholics raised their hands in unison as they prayed for Francis, who silently and repeatedly asked God Almighty to just make it stop.Francis told the faithful that the devil wants to destroy the family, which he described as the “domestic church,” and went on to plead for the end of the use of torture.“We also call on the international community to put...
  • The Bible and Cell Phones

    05/27/2014 6:58:46 AM PDT · by virgil283 · 22 replies
    I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones? .....;
  • 'Pardon me sir, can you tell me the name of a dentist whose last name begins with "Mc?"'

    05/26/2014 6:11:40 PM PDT · by Brian Kopp DPM · 95 replies
    Vanity
    True story: Several years ago I drove home from my office and pulled in front of my house. As I was getting out of my car, a local homeless women was standing right behind me, as if she had materialized out of thin air. Before I could say anything, she stated (in a thick Anglo-Indian accent), "Pardon me sir, can you tell me the name of a dentist whose last name begins with 'Mc'?" I thought for a moment and replied, "No, I'm sorry, I cannot tell you the name of any dentists whose last name begins with 'Mc'. Can...
  • Stamp Your Feet!

    05/14/2014 1:50:48 PM PDT · by NYer · 21 replies
    The Catholic Thing ^ | May 14, 2014 | Anthony Esolen
    I’ve been following with some bemusement the interchanges between Cardinal Mueller, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (CDF), and the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR). For readers unaware of the developments, I'll present them here in abbreviated form:CDF: “Sisters, do you believe and affirm that Jesus Christ is the eternal Son of the Father, begotten and not made, the second Person of the Holy Trinity?” LCWR: “Why are you asking us that question? What gives you the authority to ask it?”
     CDF: “Again, Sisters, do you believe and affirm that Jesus Christ is the eternal...
  • Missionary story careens out of control

    05/01/2014 6:45:48 PM PDT · by Gamecock · 11 replies
    CHARLESTON, W. Va. John Lemier, missionary to the Congo, was given 20 minutes to share about Gods work and ask for financial support at Grace In the Valley church on Sunday. But somehow, witnesses say, he got off track and commenced a series of fantastic tales. He insisted that just before he came to the U.S., a Congolese child was swallowed by a boa constrictor, which then fell 20 stories off a cliff. The child, he said, came back to life after two mysterious strangers, both 9 feet tall and wearing shiny white clothes and large swords, led villagers...
  • Should Cardinal Kasper be admitted to Holy Communion after a brief period of penance?

    04/23/2014 7:31:08 PM PDT · by Brian Kopp DPM · 2 replies
    The Bones Blog ^ | 04/23/14
    Tuesday, 22 April 2014 The Great Cardinal Kasper Poll Take the poll today in the side bar, then we can send the results to Rome. After all, in the run up to the Synod, the Church is seeking the views of the Faithful. It is so important they are heard. One word answer to a simple question. If the Bishops Conference ever need someone to help them to simplify their survey for the Synod on the Family, then my email's in the sidebar as well. Why make things more complicated than they are? Update: So, this is exciting stuff. So...
  • Jokes, quips, wisecracks: John XXIII lived with keen sense of humor

    04/22/2014 5:07:03 PM PDT · by NYer · 10 replies
    cns ^ | March 24, 2014 | Emily Antenucci and Carol Glatz
    VATICAN CITY (CNS) -- Blessed John XXIII, who will be made a saint April 27, is remembered by many for his warmth, simplicity, social conscience and sense of humor. Pope Francis, who will canonize "the Good Pope," recalled his predecessor as being holy, patient and a man of courage, especially by calling the Second Vatican Council. "He was a man who let himself be guided by the Lord," Pope Francis has said. But the Italian Pope John was also guided by his cheerful disposition, his simple, peasant background and tongue-in-cheek, wisecracking Italian culture. Blessed John XXIII pictured in the Vatican...
  • Is The Vatican Hiding Aliens?

    04/08/2014 12:41:31 PM PDT · by NKP_Vet · 75 replies
    http://www.catholicleague.org ^ | March 8, 2014 | Bill Donohue
    Bill Donohue comments on last nights show, Unsealed: Alien Files, that aired on the Science Channel: The program speculates that new evidence may prove the Vatican is hiding actual aliens from the public. Either that or the channel will rename itself the Sci-fi Channel. The priest who directs the Vatican observatory, Dr. Jose Funes, was interviewed for the program, and he made the rather unexceptional remark that the universe is so huge that it would be possible that life could evolve the way we know it on Earth. This is soon followed by a voiceover that says, Vatican officials have...
  • If you havent given up laughter for Lent

    04/01/2014 4:05:23 PM PDT · by NYer · 2 replies
    cns ^ | April 1, 2014 | Carol Glatz
    VATICAN CITY — It may be Lent, but the Catholic Church hasn’t given up its sense of humor as part of this penitential season.A group of Jesuits, Dominicans and a UK news agency are all having a bit of fun this April Fools Day.A digitally manipulated photo posted on the “Independent Catholic News” website. http://www.indcatholicnews.com is an online news service in the UK. The online news service in the UK, Independent Catholic News, reported this morning that the Vatican was implementing tough new measures to fight off ravenous seagulls circling St. Peter’s Square and ruining its doves-for-peace releases.I.C.N. reported (tongue-in-cheek)...
  • Study: Small Group Hazing At All-Time High

    04/01/2014 11:06:30 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 14 replies
    CHICAGO A new study to be published in Christianity Today magazine exposes a dangerous wave of church subculture that has built enormous momentum over the past decade. Hazing, which until now has been almost entirely associated with college fraternities and sororities, has made its way into our churches as a method of initiating would-be small group members and filtering out those too weak to join. While most colleges have squelched hazing in recent years, a new surge in small group hazingresulting in at least two fatalitiesis causing some pastors to follow suit and ban the practice altogether. This has...
  • I, Gamecock, completed RICO and will become Catholic next week.

    04/01/2014 5:34:45 AM PDT · by Gamecock · 38 replies
    1 April 2014 | Gamecock
    I... After careful prayer and... Sorry. Even though it is April Fools Day I just can't pull this off.
  • New Ecumenical English Missal

    04/01/2014 2:01:31 AM PDT · by markomalley · 5 replies
    Liturgy (NZ) ^ | 4/1/2014 | Bosco Peters
    UPDATED with some other sites telling this same story: Fr Z (Fr. John Zuhlsdorf), Pray Tell, The Telegraph,A rumour has been growing about a possible review of the Roman Catholic missal translation, but no one anticipated the announcement of a New Ecumenical English Missal Project, which will mean that the words for the whole Eucharist will be the same across a number of significant English-speaking denominations.Pope Francis, ever taking people by surprise, in only the second year of his papacy, pointedly, on the feast day of a woman saint, St Theodora (April 1), is formally signing the declaration that he...
  • Father Hunwicke's Spring Examination Paper

    03/29/2014 8:42:03 AM PDT · by marshmallow · 1 replies
    Fr. Hunwicke's Mutual Enriichment ^ | 3/27/14 | Fr. John Hunwicke
    Question 1. "X told Y to do Z voluntarily". Using Formal Logic, vindicate the internal coherence of this statement. [Candidates may not use more than eleven sheets of A4, but must show all workings.]Question 2. Compose, in the style of Plato, a Dialogue on Tapeinosis between Socrates, Prometheus, and Neo-Pelagius. [Credit will be given to candidates making reference to Pandora and her box.]Question 3. Construct a treatise, as if written by a German Cardinal, demonstrating that, although Genocide is not, strictly speaking, acceptable in the current state of the Magisterium, it could nevertheless (given its abiding popularity in both the...
  • Why Obedience to all Ten Commandments is Essential

    03/27/2014 10:20:21 AM PDT · by Repent and Believe · 40 replies
    (Personal Letter) ^ | 3/27/2014 anno Domini | RepentandBelieve
    The Ten Commandments of The Automakers: 1. Thou shalt not drive thy automobile without having oil in the engine 2. Thou shalt not drive thy automobile without a connected battery of 12 volts D.C. 3. Thou shalt not lock the doors of thy automobile and dispose of all of the keys 4. Thou shalt not cover all of the openings provided through which to view the surroundings 5. Thou shalt not remove all of the wheels on thy automobiles axles 6. Thou shalt not remove thy steering wheel with which to control the automobiles direction 7. Thou shalt not forget...
  • The New York Times 3 Worst Corrections On Christian Holidays*

    03/18/2014 7:03:20 AM PDT · by Pan_Yan · 4 replies
    The Federalist ^ | March 17, 2014 | Mollie Hemingway
    The New York Times 3 Worst Corrections On Christian Holidays* *Technically, one of these might not be real. March 17, 2014 By Mollie Hemingway An earlier version of this article mischaracterized the Christian holiday of Easter. It is the celebration of Jesuss resurrection from the dead, not his resurrection into heaven. The New York Times, April 1, 2013 An earlier version of this article misquoted a comment from Malachy McCourt on St. Patrick. Mr. McCourt said, My attitude is, St. Patrick banished the snakes from Ireland and they all came here and they became conservatives. He did not say St....
  • Pope Francis Drops F-Bomb During Address in St. Peters Square [video]

    03/04/2014 2:11:28 AM PST · by DaveMSmith · 12 replies
    The Blaze ^ | Mar. 3, 2014 2:59pm | Billy Hallowell
    Pope Francis stunned a live audience in St. Peters Square Sunday when he accidentally dropped the Italian equivalent of the F-bomb instead of a similar-sounding word he meant to use. If each of us were to accumulate wealth not only for ourselves but to put at the service of others, in this f*** in this case Gods providence would manifest itself in this gesture of solidarity, he said. The pontiff apparently meant to use the word caso, which means example in Italian. Instead, he said cazzo a simple mistake, but one that came along with wildly different context,...
  • Pope Benedict resigned early to avoid clash with World Cup

    03/02/2014 6:13:06 PM PST · by ebb tide · 14 replies
    The Telegraph ^ | 2/28/2014
    The football World Cup taking place in Brazil this year indirectly prompted Benedict XVI to bring forward his resignation as pope by a year, his private secretary has said.
  • Theres marriage and then theres marriage*

    03/02/2014 12:09:13 PM PST · by NYer · 18 replies
    WDTPRS ^ | March 1, 2014 | Fr. John Zuhlsdorf
    I had a comment in my messages from an Observant Person who had the misfortune to read an article about Card. Kasper’s remarks on marriage in advance of the Synod.The Observant Person pulled a strange quote from Kasper via CNS: “he allowed for the possibility that in very specific cases the church could tolerate, though not accept, a second union.”? Huh? ”Tolerate though not accept”?There’s marriage and then there’s marriage*How can the Church tolerate what the Church cannot accept? There is a logical disconnect.What is this supposed to look like in concrete terms?Let’s take this into the parish. There are...
  • Joel Osteen purchases Catholicism in time for Easter

    02/25/2014 9:45:51 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 65 replies
    Derf Magazine ^ | 02/25/2014
    LAKEWOOD, TX - Joel Osteen Ministries announced this week it has finalized its purchase of the entire Catholic religion which includes all assets, facilities, employees, and intellectual property. The purchase was accomplished using revenues received from corporate sponsors, member donations, and Osteen's book sales. Osteen announced the purchase to his followers at the Lakewood Church during his weekly nationally televised service saying, "Please join me in welcoming our Catholic brothers and sisters with open arms. A purchase of this magnitude takes tremendous resources so I ask you to help us fund this wonderful acquisition by calling the 800 number at...
  • Powerful winds rip off roof to church in Huntington, WV

    02/21/2014 6:49:55 PM PST · by Morgana · 6 replies
    WOWK-TV ^ | Lisa Robbins
    HUNTINGTON, WV - Powerful winds and heavy rain blew through the area Friday. In West Huntington, the winds were so strong, they ripped off a roof and steeple at Open Door Baptist Church on Madison Avenue. Dan Houdyschell said he heard the storm roll through. "Just a lot of wind around 2 a.m.; garbage cans flying and stuff like that," he said. Steve Wayne is a pastor at Celebration Church, which is just across the street from the damage. "I couldn't believe when I saw that their roof is in the road and the steeple; I can't imagine the damage...
  • Proverb A Day, Proverb 21 [Prayer and Meditation]

    02/21/2014 8:54:19 AM PST · by OneVike · 11 replies
    Bible NKJV | 900 BC | Solomon
    Proverb 21 (NKJV) The LORD Considers the Heart 01 The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, 00 Like the rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes. 02 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, 00 But the LORD weighs the hearts. 03 To do righteousness and justice 00 Is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice. 04 A haughty look, a proud heart, 00 And the plowing of the wicked are sin. 05 The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, 00 But those of everyone who is hasty,...
  • Presbyterian Proverbs

    02/18/2014 3:53:38 PM PST · by Gamecock · 11 replies
    An advantage of being in the same church for a long time is that you have an opportunity to see things play out. You can observe parenting and then watch the “parented” children grow up. You can see folks go from young parents to empty nesters. You can see all sorts of people just passing through. In short, you’re around long enough for time to tell its story. And if it told proverbs about Presbyterian church life, they might sound like this. One who speaketh in his first Sunday School class will evaporate like the morning dew. It’s uncanny –...
  • Pope Michael Doesnt Know What All The Commotion Is About

    02/11/2014 8:13:20 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 14 replies
    Eye Of The Tiber ^ | 2/11/2013 | Admin
    Belvue, KS Sources close to Pope Michael are strongly denying reports out Monday morning claiming that the pontiff will be retiring at the end of February. His Holiness is deeply saddened by all the lies and hullabaloo that have been spread about him in the papers this morning stating that he is retiring due to health issues, a source reported to his mailman. His Holiness is in perfect healthin fact, he has all the energy and vigor of a 56-year-old layman from Kansas. Another source, his auntie, who was present at the press conference with the mailman also went...
  • Toast Appears on Jesus Christ

    02/11/2014 7:07:29 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 17 replies
    The Museum of Hoaxes ^ | March 30, 2008 | Alex
    John Ordover sent this in. He was looking at a picture of Jesus (or rather, an artist's interpretation of what Jesus might have looked like) when he realized a piece of toast had miraculously appeared on it. I think this must be a message from John's toaster! But can we be sure that actually is a piece of toast? It kinda looks like a granola bar to me.
  • Congregation Collects Marlboro Miles, Decorates Church

    02/04/2014 2:52:58 PM PST · by Gamecock · 12 replies
    WABASH, IN. Bake sales. Car washes. Bingo. Churches for decades have relied on tried and true methods of fundraising when tithes and offerings left vision-thick congregations in a lurch. But Wabash Christian Center has taken a unique approach to supplying ministerial needs. Eschewing fundraising altogether, the 20-year-old fellowship collects Marlboro Miles to outfit its church. Smokers for years collected Marlboro Miles from packs of cigarettes and redeemed them through the companys product catalogue, which featured prizes ranging from T-shirts to camping tents. Marlboro added Spiritline in 2008 and the congregation took full advantage. Thats how we got our new...
  • Irresistable Grace (Calvinist humor)

    01/17/2014 10:17:41 AM PST · by dangus · 119 replies
  • The Pope Francis Little Book of Insults

    01/14/2014 8:11:57 PM PST · by marshmallow · 6 replies
    That The Bones You Have Crushed May Thrill ^ | 12/3/13 (updated 1/13/14) | Laurence England
    I've been commissioned to compile The Pope Francis Little Book of Insults. Have I missed any out? It will hit the shelf at Christmas, for 6.99, but you get a 20% discount if you insult the cash till operator with any of the following insults. My favourite is "You querulous and disillusioned pessimist!" It should not be confused with The Pope Francis Little Book of Indults, which will be published in 2014, first in Germany and then then the rest of Europe. "Old maid!" "Fomenter of coprophagia!" "Specialist of the Logos!" "Rosary counter!" "Functionary!" Self-absorbed, Promethean neo-Pelagian!" "Restorationist!" "Pelagian!" "Mr...
  • I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE POPE IS TALKING ABOUT, AND NEITHER DO YOU (in this photo)

    01/13/2014 2:52:51 PM PST · by NYer · 23 replies
    Catholic Vote ^ | January 12, 2014 | JOHN WHITE
    In this photograph, I mean. After all, not knowing what the person is actually saying is what makes a caption contest fun, right?Besides, if there’s anything we’ve learned in the past year, it’s that having no clue what Pope Francis is saying should never be a hindrance to putting words in his mouth.And Thomas – sorry for so shamelessly treading on your turf, but it’s such a great picture I couldn’t pass it up.So readers, have at it. What captions can you come up with for this great photo of Pope Francis?I took a few stabs at it myself…“No, I’m serious...
  • Osteen Books Flop in 10/40 Window

    01/10/2014 1:06:21 PM PST · by Gamecock · 39 replies
    For "America's Pastor," everything seems to be going extremely well right now in the USA. Lakewood Church is bursting at the seams. Pastor Osteen continues to be invited to speak on TV shows such as Larry King Live. AIROST will soon be adding routes to five new cities. Your Best Life Now has set numerous sales records. And now his new book (Become a Better You) is ready to come into stores all over the USA. One problem remains for Pastor Joel. His books are not selling well in a large part of the world: the "10/40 window." The "10/40...
  • Today's Toons 1/7/14

    01/07/2014 1:28:02 AM PST · by pookie18 · 18 replies
    The Right Reasons ^ | 1/7/14 | pookie18
    Click on link.
  • It's official: Episcopal Church's COO says Katharine Jefferts Schori has Abolished Sin

    01/04/2014 9:36:01 PM PST · by ReformationFan · 22 replies
    Virtue Online ^ | 1-4-14 | David W. Virtue
    NEW YORK CITY, NY --- The Episcopal Church's COO, Bishop Stacy Sauls announced this week that Katharine Jefferts Schori, the church's Presiding Bishop, had "abolished sin" after well-known intellectual and gay theological heavy-weight Bishop Gene Robinson wrote that she had effectively done so through her words and beliefs. The exchange took place following a meeting of Integrity, the rambunctious, noisy Episcopal Gay organization, following a night on the town (NYC) that was described by one participant as "a night of unbridled debauchery and lechery" in memory of the now deceased Bishop Otis Charles, the first outed gay TEC bishop. The...
  • On the Futile Quest to Find Happiness from the World, as Taught to us by Ormie the Pig

    01/04/2014 1:35:25 PM PST · by NYer · 3 replies
    Archdiocese of Washington ^ | January 4, 2014 | Msgr. Charles Pope
    The video below is a humorous depiction of the utter frustration of seeking our fulfillment in or from this world. Ormie the Pig seeks cookies that are just out of reach and he will go to every length to get them.Many are like this in our world. In a quest for illusory happiness, many will spare no expense, and even self-destruct seeking to fill the God-sized hole in their heart.But it never works, because our desires are infinite, and a finite world just can’t seal the deal. We are always left unsatisfied. Our complete fulfillment can only be with God....
  • Mormons VS Epic Black Guy

    12/31/2013 8:04:02 AM PST · by Anton.Rutter · 80 replies
    YouTube ^ | August 30, 2010 | papaseanx5
    Mormon missionaries on bicycles decide to proselytize the WRONG man...
  • Eye Of The Tiber 2013 Year In Review

    12/31/2013 3:59:18 AM PST · by markomalley · 2 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/31/2013
    This January, Canadian pastor Ben Gregor of St. Dwenden Catholic Church was forced to postpone the consecration for nearly two hours after no laity could be found to bring the gifts up to the altar. After being questioned as to why there needed be anyone to bring up the gifts, Gregor justified his decision telling EOTT that, Without MarysFiat, there is no Jesus to be born; and without the laitysFiatinpresenting, there is no bread to become Jesus. Later that month near riots broke out in Baker, Oregon after female parishioners became outraged that men were not also being asked to...
  • Mormon Bachelor show surprise: He marries them all

    12/27/2013 6:17:56 AM PST · by Gamecock · 10 replies
    SALT LAKE CITY The producers of a Mormon version of the popular Bachelor television program were dealt a rude surprise when their lead man got down on his knee and proposed to all six finalists. I couldnt make up my mind, said Larry Whistall, 29, the bachelor. I realized they all had good qualities, so I went the polygamy route. Five of the six women said yes, and now say they look forward to moving to rural Utah and bearing Whistall as many children as physically possible. And in-fighting? Not a problem, they claim. Me and the other women...
  • Play Dates, Life Mates: eHarmony for Kids goes nationwide

    12/27/2013 6:15:14 AM PST · by Gamecock · 21 replies
    PASADENA Four years ago, match site eHarmony quietly launched a new initiative, eHarmony4Kids, to help parents find mates for their children. The new program, whose tagline is Play Dates, Life Mates. eHarmony for Kids, has worked so well that the company is rolling it out nationally this year. People want to steer their kids toward compatible potential life partners at an early age, says an eHarmony spokesman. Core beliefs are in place at a young age so we can help them do that. Parents in Nashville, Seattle, Sacramento and Boston were secretly invited to participate in the field testing....
  • Pope Francis Condemns Racism And Declares That All Religions Are True At Historic Third Vatican...

    12/23/2013 2:25:55 AM PST · by markomalley · 35 replies
    For the last six months, Catholic cardinals, bishops and theologians have been deliberating in Vatican City, discussing the future of the church and redefining long-held Catholic doctrines and dogmas. The Third Vatican Council, is undoubtedly the largest and most important since the Second Vatican Council was concluded in 1962. Pope Francis convened the new council to finally finish the work of the Second Vatican Council. While some traditionalists and conservative reactionaries on the far right have decried these efforts, they have delighted progressives around the world.The Third Vatican Council concluded today with Pope Francis announcing that Catholicism is now a...
  • 'Twas the Night Before Smithmas! [WalterMartin.com]

    12/21/2013 9:31:50 AM PST · by Colofornian · 20 replies
    WalterMartin.com ^ | Dec. 16, 2013 | Apologette
    'Twas the night before Smithmas, and all through the temple, Not a cumelon was creeping, or a tapir, (for ex-emple!) The garments were hung out to dry in the air, But fortunately for us, we have two extra pairs. The children were stashed at Gramma's homestead, While Mom and Pop got dunked once again for the dead! And Mom in her veil, and I in my old bakers' cap, Had just about finished another endowment wrap! When beyond the temple grounds I heard a big clatter Even sprang from my seat to see about the chatter; To the pentagram window...
  • Smells of Palestine enhance Christmas dramas

    12/20/2013 6:57:41 AM PST · by Gamecock · 14 replies
    MADISON, Wisc. Last year, First Christian Church brought in live donkeys to wow the audience at its annual Christmas drama. This year, theyre adding scented sensations which bring the Holy Land to life. In short, their presentation is going to stink. With a slew of Christmas presentations vying for local audiences this year, churches are embracing far-out measures to enliven December dramas. This seasons fad is Smells of Palestine, a sensory kit sold by The Ol Factory Worship Experience, a Dallas company. The kit pumps authentic smells into the sanctuary during re-enactments of the Christmas story. It works like...
  • Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever

    12/05/2013 5:51:23 PM PST · by Gamecock · 9 replies
    Full Title: Analysts Predict Biggest Christmas Church Shopping Season Ever; Churches sharpen seasonal services to nab annual worshipers ANNAPOLIS, MD Christine Eagen sits at the table in her neatly decorated suburban dining room with an open phone book, a wall calendar, a notepad and a laptop. She circles church listings in the phone book with a red sharpie, visits their Web sites on her laptop and pencils in their names on her calendar between November 25th and December 24th, all the while taking copious notes. There are so many churches in the area, and we have such a limited...
  • [SATIRE] Catholic Church Switches To Flavored Communion

    12/05/2013 7:24:51 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 36 replies
    CAP News ^ | CAP News Staff
    BOSTON (CAP) - Officials for the Catholic Archdiocese of Boston have announced plans to switch a number of area parishes from the centuries-old bland wheat flour-based communion wafers to a more contemporary wafer containing polyunsaturated fats and one of a handful of flavoring agents. "Don't let it be said that the Catholic Church isn't a forward-thinking ecclesiastical entity," said Archbishop Sean Patrick O'Malley. "Whether we're the first internationally-renowned religion to openly cover-up clergy sex abuse scandals or the first to make Mass taste better, we always have our congregations' best interests in mind." According to O'Malley, the first batch of...
  • Fear Of Elderly Vatican Priests, Nuns Violently Storming U.S. Embassy Reason For Relocation...

    12/02/2013 3:47:37 AM PST · by markomalley · 30 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 12/1/2013
    A security guard outside the U.S. Embassy to the Vatican checks for dangerous religious medals. ROME (EotT) The recent decision to close the current free-standing U.S. Embassy to the Holy See was made because of growing fears of a Benghazi-like terrorost attack led by 60 to 90-year-old zealot priests and nuns stationed in the Vatican, the U.S. State Department confirmed today. The decision has led to sharp criticism by Vatican officials who say that the U.S. has not clearly specified any plot to overtake the embassy. But U.S. intelligence officials say they have been tracking a growing threat against...
  • Two (soon to be) Saints Who Smiled

    11/30/2013 11:37:38 AM PST · by Salvation · 3 replies
    WAU.org ^ | November 2013 | Louise Perrotta
    Two Saints Who Smiled John XXIII and John Paul II were fervent, funny, and free in the Spirit. By: Louise Perrotta “God loves a cheerful giver.” So does everyone else. There’s something very attractive about people who live a life of deep faith but do it “without sadness or compulsion” (2 Corinthians 9:7).Each in his own way, Angelo Roncalli and Karol Wojtyla brought this joyful outlook to the demanding role of “servant of the servants of God.” Both men were outstanding spiritual leaders and major players on the world stage—the only two popes ever to be chosen “Man of...
  • Nun Trampled Near Scapular Section During OBriens Church Supplies Black Friday Sale

    11/29/2013 3:16:47 PM PST · by markomalley · 15 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/29/2013
    Biloxi, MS (EotT) An OBriens Church Supplies shopper was injured earlier today after an out of control mob of frenzied shoppers smashed through the Biloxi stores front doors and trampled her, police said. The Black Friday stampede plunged the religious good store into chaos as hundreds of people desperately tried to get their hands on the newly-released Sixfold Scapular, knocking several employees to the ground and sending others scurrying atop statues to avoid the horde. When the chaos finally ended, 57-year-old Sister Angelica Bettington was injured with a cracked rip and a lacerated spleen. She fell over as she tried...
  • Newly Revealed Catacomb Painting Undeniable Proof That Women Were Able To Raise Hands In Air...

    11/23/2013 5:22:17 AM PST · by markomalley · 29 replies
    Eye of the Tiber ^ | 11/23/2013
    VATICAN (EotT) Newly restored frescoes from the Catacombs of Priscilla were unveiled by the Vatican on Tuesday, some of which reveal that women in early Christianity were able to lift their hands in the air. This has led some to conclude that if a woman was able to lift her hands above her shoulders as the image suggests, then early Christians must have allowed women to become priests. The Catacombs, which are located in the northern part of Rome, and are better known as the Queen of the catacombs features 4th century paintings from biblical scenes, one showing an image...
  • [Satire] Millions of Catholics Celebrating Advent Two Months Early

    11/22/2013 11:01:00 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 32 replies
    DFW Catholic ^ | November 18th, 2013 | Father John Hollowell
    Rome, Italy: Fr. Guiseppe Gnocchi, secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship, today lamented a growing trend around the world the premature celebration of Advent. A not insignificant amount of Catholics are ignoring the Liturgical Calendar, and are instead celebrating Advent way in advance. Margie Hopkins of Pittsburgh noted, This year, I had my Advent wreath up a week before Halloween. Many Catholics are shirking the Churchs calendar because they are seeking more silence and introspection. Jay Johnson from Cheyenne shared that 4 weeks isnt even close to the amount of time that I need to spiritually prepare for...
  • Church Leaders Urge Christians to Reduce Their Prayer Footprints

    11/22/2013 9:25:59 AM PST · by Alex Murphy · 21 replies
    VATICAN CITY An unprecedented summit of Christian leaders convened here earlier this month to take part in a summit to address what many fear could be the greatest spiritual crisis of our time a shortage of prayer. With the global economic crisis touching more and more lives around the world, we have just one question, said Cardinal Sean Patrick OMalley. Where is all of the extra prayer that these people need going to come from? A portion of the summit, which included both evangelical and Catholic leaders from around the world, was focused on finding alternative sources of...