Posted on 08/16/2023 11:14:30 AM PDT by BipolarBob
Many people are quite familiar with Martin Luther's famous 95 Theses that he nailed to the door of the Castle Church in Wittenberg, Germany in 1517, but have you ever heard about his other theses that were left out at the last minute? They include some real scorchers!
In a Babylon Bee exclusive, we have obtained a list of theses Martin Luther thought twice about posting.
If any pastor asks his congregation to say hi to each other in an extended greeting time, let him be anathema: Preach.
Golf isn't a sport: Luther's argument appears to be that if overweight elderly people can do well at it, it's more of an activity. Holds water.
Yes, God could make a rock so big He couldn't lift it: A centuries-long debate finally settled.
The Pope is a stinky doo-doo pants and his hat looks dumb: He scrapped this one in favor of more logical arguments.
Christians should exercise moderation in all things, but it's OK to just pound a few too many IPAs once in a while: He was German, after all.
If it doesn't have beans, you can't call it chili: Get out of here with your greasy meat sauce, you heathens.
The Dark Knight isn't even a Batman movie - it's just an average, overlong crime movie that happens to have Batman in it: We knew Luther had some controversial opinions, but wow.
The Fellowship couldn't have taken the Eagles to Mordor for the following reasons: 1. Eagles aren't the chauffeurs of Middle Earth and generally don't intervene in the affairs of men. They're kind of like sub-angels, messengers of Valinor. It's like asking "Why didn't the angels just carry the Israelites to the promised land?" It's not their role. 2. They probably would have gotten caught. Sauron had flying messengers and spies of his own, not to mention the flying Nazgul he unleashed shortly after the Council of Elrond, right when the Eagles would have been flying into Mordor. 3. The council explicitly states the reason for having a Hobbit walk it all the way is because it is a foolish plan that Sauron would not expect. While he didn't expect them to destroy the Ring at all, he'd definitely be on the lookout for any kind of visible approach like that. 4. Eagles are high and powerful creatures, and while I don't know if they'd even care about the Ring much less seize it, the point is made that you don't want powerful beings to bear it. Even Gandalf doesn't want to touch it. 5. Finally, and most importantly, remember what destroys the Ring in the end: Frodo's act of mercy sparing Gollum, which allows the Ring to be destroyed by fate when he tries to take it from Frodo. I don't think any mortal has the willpower to destroy the Ring. If the Eagles had just dropped off Frodo, it's very likely he would have seized the Ring rather than cast it into the fire. It took the journey to change Frodo from "I wish Bilbo had killed Gollum" to sparing him, having perhaps some foresight that he would have a role to play. It all makes sense.
It's pronounced "GIF": Obviously!
Remember, with this whole Reformation thing, let's reform the abuses and theological errors of the current Catholic church but not splinter into a bunch of groups that all hate each other: Maybe he should have put this one in there. As you can see, this list of lost theses really shows a whole new side to ol' Marty Luther. You have to admit, the guy was a true rebel.
11. Don't read Song of Songs until shortly before your wedding.
12. The Numbers 20-22 story of Balaam and the talking donkey should be in every kids Bible story book.
13. The debate among Protestants between Calvinism and Arminianism is decided best by which one can quote Augustine of Hippo the most, even though we believe Sola Scriptura.
14. A believer has no business calling himself a Pentecostal unless there's been at least one church service that he started dancing before the music began.
15. If you say that the only real Bible is the original King James Version and your copy doesn't have the apocrypha books...you are definitely Protestant. (Tip: the first copies of KJV had the books like Idol Bel and Dragon and other apocrypha books, but set in an appendix between the OT and NT.)
“A believer has no business calling himself a Pentecostal unless there’s been at least one church service that he started dancing before the music began.”
As a German/Norwegian from North Dakota who grew up Methodist, I am afraid I don’t dance even after the music starts. My son and I attend a Pentecostal church regularly.
So, like I don't get where the Eagles were even part of the story - they were basically just Linda Ronstadt's back up band.
But then, Wesley was also really big in the Holiness movement (calling Protestants to live holy lives even though we believe we're saved by grace). That's something else that today's United Methodists had gotten away from. But I'm really happy to see many Methodist churches leave the hedonist UM conference and join the new general conference focusing back on living holy lives. If the people in those churches take on a kind of rededication to loving Jesus, trusting Him, and living it like they mean it, and make it not just a 2023 church vote that they forget later, but a true commitment they stick to the rest of their lives, the Methodists could again be a powerful force for God's kingdom.
I grew up in the Methodist church and am also delighted to see many churches leave the UM Conference. That conference became woke many years before the word woke became fashionable. I remember in the late 1970’s a group of our
young Methodists (late teens) came back from a UM Conference singing praises of Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe even though he was a hard core Marxist. The irony of their support of him was that he was running against a decent man, Abel Muzorewa, a Methodist Bishop!
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You can say that again.
Maybe they were trying to throw Linda Ronstadt into the fires of Mordor?
“Heat Wave” would be appropriate!
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