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PHOENIX, AZ — Attendees at Turning Point's AmFest 2025 event experienced an awkward moment last night, as Tucker Carlson interrupted his own speech for an evening prayer to Mecca. Onlookers were startled as Tucker halted a lengthy speech on cancel culture and looked at his phone. "Ope! Looks like it's that time again!" said Tucker to the confused audience as he rolled out an ornate prayer rug and began to kneel. "It's time to pray. That's important, obviously, and we're going to pray together, clearly. I mean, seriously, obviously. Why wouldn't we? HAHAHAHAHA!" Sources said Carlson then began chanting in...

PROVIDENCE, RI — Leadership at Brown University, frustrated with the lack of progress in tracking the shooter who killed two students and injured many more on December 13, has reportedly recruited Police Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield to assist in the case. "Two deaths and nine injuries — sounds like the work of rowdy teens!" Wiggum said in a press conference as he laid out his progress on the case. "I talked with the FBI profiler, and she said it was some lone nut, but that's nuts." Chief Wiggum has been busy since arriving in Rhode Island just days ago....

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Congress prepared to vote on legislation that would prevent gender transitioning treatment from being given to minors, Democrats blasted Republicans for trying to put hardworking genital mutilators out of business. Democrats accused their GOP colleagues of working to send dedicated surgeons and medical personnel who devote their work to lopping off parts of young people's bodies into poverty with little regard for the negative economic impact it could have on the genital mutilation industry. "Republicans don't care about these American workers," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "They don't stop to think about what this type...

PROVIDENCE, RI — Leadership at Brown University, frustrated with the lack of progress in tracking the shooter who killed two students and injured many more on December 13, has reportedly recruited Police Chief Clancy Wiggum of Springfield to assist in the case. "Two deaths and nine injuries — sounds like the work of rowdy teens!" Wiggum said in a press conference as he laid out his progress on the case. "I talked with the FBI profiler, and she said it was some lone nut, but that's nuts." Chief Wiggum has been busy since arriving in Rhode Island just days ago....

CAMBRIDGE — As the nations of the West continue to struggle with understanding how to deal with the spread of immigrants from Islamic countries, a groundbreaking new study found that islamophobia may be at least partially caused by Muslims killing people all the time. The research project, conducted by an elite group of scientists at the University of Cambridge, discovered that millions of people around the globe have grown wary of Muslims due in large part to the fact that Muslims keep committing horrific acts of murderous violence around the world. "Yeah, they just keep killing people all the time,...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An executive order banning immigration from several Muslim-majority countries compelled Democratic lawmakers to voice concerns that this may delay the global intifada. "It is the right of every American to endorse global intifada and murder Jews," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said, in light of the executive order. "President Trump, in this authoritarian executive order, has proven himself anti-American by limiting the freedom of Americans and immigrants to engage in and call for Palestinian violence." According to sources, the global intifada is an international call for violence against Jews, Zionists, infidels, and the entire Western world. Trump...

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA — A heroic man who bravely wrestled away a rifle from an Islamic terrorist during the deadly shooting at Bondi Beach on Sunday has been formally charged with the unlawful possession of a firearm. "Rest assured, this man is going away to a long, long time," confirmed Police Commissioner Mal Lanyon. "No one breaks our gun laws and gets away with it. No one. We have him on video, dead to rights." Authorities identified the man who illegally held a gun for three minutes as Ahmed Al Ahmed, a Syrian fruit shop owner who thought he was helping...

MELBOURNE — To stem the growing tide of violence against Jewish citizens, the Australian government has moved to officially ban the celebration of Hanukkah. Prime Minister Anthony Albanese made the announcement in the wake of Islamic attacks on a public Hanukkah celebration, which Albanese believes prompted the killings. "If Jews were not celebrating Hanukkah, this tragedy could have been prevented," said Albanese. "Some people don't want to blame Hanukkah, but let me ask you: did people get shot anywhere else except at the Hanukkah celebration? No. This is all because of Hanukkah. How many lives do we have to lose...

WORLD — Fake news media across the globe have reported that a mass shooting occurred in Australia, which is literally impossible because guns are illegal there. Despite the patent absurdity of criminals using guns, which are banned, several major news stations in the United States repeated the obviously fictional story, "It's embarrassing how many news outlets were duped by this clearly fake story," said misinformation expert Harold Cannon. "It would have taken thirty seconds for these so-called news stations to simply Google gun laws in Australia, and they would have known the story couldn't be true. You simply can't have...

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA — Bucking years of tradition, a family new to the California area has failed to build a single gingerbread house this Christmas season due to a backlog at the permit office. "We're still waiting for the appropriate permits to build our gingerbread house," said Mona Riggs. "Baking gingerbread houses is a fun tradition we do every year, but at this point we'll be lucky to have one put together by the end of the decade." According to sources, the January Pacific Palisades fire and its resulting destruction caused a significant logjam of processing permit applications. The city...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump expressed concern that his wife, Melania, may now be aware of what he got her for Christmas after news reports surfaced that the U.S. military had seized a Venezuelan oil tanker this week. When the story broke, Trump reportedly scolded White House staff for potentially spoiling the surprise that he was giving his wife the one-of-a-kind gift of a seized tanker filled with crude oil. "I hate to think the surprise is ruined," Trump told friends. "I know she would love to have opened that tanker on Christmas morning and have it be a...

Babylon Bee Join Toggle navigation menu Banner Ad Jasmine Crockett Hits Campaign Trail To Axe For Votes Politics · Dec 11, 2025 · BabylonBee.com Maxim Elramsisy via shutterstock.com Image for article: Jasmine Crockett Hits Campaign Trail To Axe For Votes Banner Ad HOUSTON, TX — Representative Jasmine Crockett has officially launched her Senate bid, immediately hitting the campaign trail to "axe for votes." Touting her new campaign slogan "Uh-Uh, No You Di-Uhnt", Crockett hopes to unseat Senator John Cornyn in the 2026 midterm elections. "I ain't playin' baby girl, I runnin', which is why I be acksing you fo yo...

U.S. — In a corroboration of what many had long suspected, a new report finally confirmed that the holiday of Kwanzaa had been revealed to be an elaborate prank on white people. While experts had wondered for decades if the manufactured holiday was just a clever inside joke to mess with caucasians, it wasn't until a bombshell exposé revealed the complex ruse for what it was all along. "Yeah, you got us," said black dude Achonte Ndukwe. "We all held a secret meeting back in the late '60s to figure out what we could do to mess with white people....

NEW YORK, NY — In a shocking development in the case of a killer charged with murdering a health insurance executive, a New York judge found that Luigi Mangione was too stunningly handsome and gorgeous to stand trial. Though the prosecution had reportedly built a strong case with substantial evidence against him, Mangione was deemed, upon examination, to be far too good-looking to be tried for the murder. "Have you seen him?" said Judge Maureen Donaldson in her ruling. "My goodness. In all my years on the bench, I have never run across a case that is so startlingly violent...

VATICAN CITY — Catholics and Protestants around the world expressed concern this week, as Pope Leo XVI gave his recommendation that Christians pray the rosary while facing in the direction of Mecca. The pontiff made the proclamation after visiting Turkey and Lebanon, stating that not only should the West be less fearful of the spread of Islam, but all Christians should seek to live more peaceably by facing toward the holiest of Islamic sites when they pray the rosary. "This is an important step toward helping the Muslims conquer us all," Pope Leo said. "I do not think that Christians...

CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat. Luis Delgado, who had only been hired by the cartel two months ago, was notified by his supervisors that he had been promoted to boat driver for the upcoming shipment of narcotics to the United States. "This is the most amazing day of my life!" Delgado said after hearing the news. "I knew joining the cartel gave me a career with a lot of potential...

WOODBRIDGE, VA — Local man Brian Cole Jr. reportedly had his invitation to the annual FBI Christmas Party rescinded after being arrested under suspicion that he was the January 6 Pipe Bomber. Federal agents raided Cole's home on Thursday after successfully linking him to the mysterious hooded suspect who had planted explosive devices at both the Democratic and Republican National Committee Headquarters on the eve of January 6, which sources confirmed was a big "no-no" for federal employees. "Cole was one of our best, but he violated his oath when he got caught," Special Agent Dylan Ravenslaw said during a...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people. "I'm friends with a lot of Somali rapists, and they really aren't all bad," said Walz while prancing back and forth across the stage to the delight of his voters in the press. "Somali rapists are some of the nicest, smartest, most polite people I know, and many of them contribute to the economy somehow. Anyone who is prejudiced against them should be ashamed...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location. "I got stuck there on a layover once, and I thought I'd landed in Somalia, but it was just Minnesota," producer Jerry Bruckheimer said. "I've never been more scared in my entire life. And I'm from Detroit." The original film, based on the true story of two U.S. military Black Hawk helicopters that were shot down during the Battle of Mogadishu during the Somali Civil War, was filmed using...

What good is an amendment saying we have the right to bear arms if I can't go house to house firing buckshot into every inflatable Christmas minion I see? Look, I don't have to spend my evenings driving around the neighborhood in my 2003 Silverado, shooting high-powered ammunition into inflatable Grinches. I do it as a service to my community. I'm just an everyday, red-blooded American, trying to do his part to rid the world of these abominations. Putting up inflatables to decorate for Christmas is like celebrating your anniversary by kissing your sister. It's gross, and it doesn't...