Near-tragedy: patrons of Bible bookstore found unconscious, overwhelmed by sheer boredom

Lark News ^ | October 1, 2003

[Alex Murphy]

Police confer as victims, including 8-year-old Emily, emerge from their stupor. (AP)

OMAHA — In what police are calling a disaster narrowly averted, 12 patrons of Valley Book and Bible store were found unconscious Saturday afternoon, overcome by unbelievable boredom as they browsed.

"I was heading over to the bookmarks and Bible covers when I must have passed out," said one man, still drowsy, as police led him to an ambulance. "My mind went totally numb. The last thing I remember was staring at shelves of commentaries and devotional books."

Neighboring businesses phoned police after nobody left the store for several hours. Police arrived to find every person in the store asleep, snoring or in a half-conscious stupor.

"It was like they'd been gassed," said an officer at the scene. "We aren't letting our guys go in alone. It's still a dangerous atmosphere."

The clerk was found slumped over the register. Patrons lay in the aisles near the Gaither Christmas Homecoming and VeggieTales displays. Police were extracting them one by one and returning them to family members.

One victim's wife became worried when her husband failed to come home on time. Then she remembered he'd mentioned he might visit Valley Book and Bible.

"I just had a cold chill," she says. "I knew what had happened."

All 12 victims were treated on site for symptoms ranging from ennui and stuffiness to excessive prudery, poor taste and soporifera extremus. The city council is considering a rule requiring Bible bookstores to warn patrons of potentially harmful levels of tedium.

[Alex Murphy]

PTL/HAIR Club Ping List PING

[Cagey]

Well, Alex, I'm gonna have to say a little prayer against you for that one, okay?

[M203M4]

LOL.

I take it they don't carry any of the good fan fiction?

Jesus of Nazareth: Director's Cut
(alternative title):
That guy with the spear is sooo dead

[madison10]

What a weird picture. LOL ...and yes the guy with the spear IS dead.

[Alex Murphy]

I love that picture, and will be stealing it for my own uses.

But in fairness, I offer you these two in exchange....

[Rocko]

Likely the patrons were already rendered half-unconscious from the Chuck Hagel press conference.

[topcat54]

Meanwhile, down the street at the local brewpub, a group of self-identified Reformed Christians were engaging in a lively debate on Calvinism and the social transformation it brought about in Geneva, Scotland, and the American colonies, all the time drinking glasses of dark ales and puffing on intimidatingly large cigars. Copies of the Bible, including Greek and Hebrew editions, as well as the works of John Calvin, John Knox, and Charles Spurgeon were seen scattered about.

[Larry Lucido]

Police arrived to find every person in the store asleep, snoring or in a half-conscious stupor.

I've been to some homilies that were like that. (Wasn't there a Mr. Bean episode about that, in fact?)

[Lee N. Field]

Copies of the Bible, including Greek and Hebrew editions, as well as the works of John Calvin, John Knox, and Charles Spurgeon were seen scattered about.

But not to critical mass, I hope. BOOM!

[Alex Murphy]

Meanwhile, down the street at the local brewpub, a group of self-identified Reformed Christians were engaging in a lively debate on Calvinism and the social transformation it brought about in Geneva, Scotland, and the American colonies, all the time drinking glasses of dark ales and puffing on intimidatingly large cigars. Copies of the Bible, including Greek and Hebrew editions, as well as the works of John Calvin, John Knox, and Charles Spurgeon were seen scattered about.

...and a good time was had by all.

[PetroniusMaximus]

"Meanwhile, down the street at the local brewpub, a group of self-identified Reformed Christians were..."

... passing around to friends a variant of the old Chinese "back scratcher", the Genevan "ear tickler".

:)

[dangus]

Oh, I get it... Christian bookstores are boring, so someone fell unconsious from boredom in one! What a knee-slapper! /s

Seriously, Alex... what's with constantly posting from Lark News... it is definitely one of the most humor-impaired web sites out there? Do you just like it because it rips on your fellow Christians or something?

[Gamecock]

(Wasn't there a Mr. Bean episode about that, in fact?)

Indeed there was!

It was quite amusing, in a British humor sort of way.

[Gamecock]

As far as I know, I host the only Bible study in our community that serves Hefeweizen beer for the simple reason that we can.

I figure if the Son of Man can come eating and drinking and be called a drunk,* my study participants can do the same.

*Matt 11:19

[endthematrix]

This thread does NOT need cowbell!
ROTFLMAO!

[Zeroisanumber]

[Alex Murphy]

Seriously, Alex... what's with constantly posting from Lark News...

It's quite simple. The Holy Observer, who came up with that excellent Amish Radio Station Folds After Just Six Months story, stopped posting new material several years ago.

[Gamecock]

stopped posting new material several years ago.

That was a sad day.

[WileyPink]

This posting blasphemes my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Do you know that the Man that you mock died on that cross in order for you to be with him in Heaven but only if you accept Him? He wasn't a strong man who broke the beams of the cross to come down...or...sigh to God "I'm saved" because Hitler was nailing him to the cross. Sir, we all nailed Him to the cross. He died and three days later, arose triumphantly from the grave thus defeating hell and the grave. I don't know your true heart but I do know that a tree is known by its fruit. Your fruit seems a bit...sour. I know what you will say. I have no since of humor. Oh but I do. This, however, is blasphemy, not humor.

In Christ,