Very honest words, Vike. I think there are others out there, confused by the different eschatological positions, that have the same viewpoint as you.
As for myself, a former Dispensational Premillennialist, and after some 40 years of study trying to get to the bottom of all this, I firmly believe the Historic Premillennialist position (post-trib) is the correct and true position. It was the writings of early Christianity, the few centuries after the Apostolic first century AD, that convinced me.
In post 47 I mentioned these writers, Barnabus, Justin Martyr, the Shepherd of Hermas, the Didache, Irenaeus, Tertullian, Cyprian, Hyppolyutus, Victorinus, Lactanius, Methodius. They were post-tribulationists and Premillennialists.
My reasoning was simple. These people lived aprox. 2000 years closer to the truth than we today. Surely, all these could not have been wrong. And they wrote so matter of factly about it. Obviously, because such doctrines as Roman Catholic Amillennialism, and Protestant Pretribism hadn’t been invented yet.
With that fact in mind, I found the Bible to be in harmony with it.
Have you ever read the book, “Revelation, Four Views” A parallel Commentary?
It was written by Steve Cregg, a former pretrib dispensationalist.
He and Hank Hanegraaff’s understanding is close to yours.