Skip to comments.Honest, bishop, the screwdriver was the barmaid's error [March Madness-Real Lds in Real Casino]
Posted on 03/28/2011 1:51:29 PM PDT by Colofornian
If I ever do decide to write a book about last weekend, they'll probably call it something like, "Fall From Grace: How a Good Mormon Boy Just Wanted to Watch a Little Basketball, But Ended Up Drinkin', Smokin' and Gamblin' the Weekend Away."
I blame March Madness.
The annual NCAA basketball tournament opened last weekend, and let's face it, some of us go a little crazy this time of year.
Opening weekend alone features 48 games. Forty-eight. I did the math, and that many 40-minute games works out to 1,920 minutes -- a whopping 32 hours -- of basketball.
And that's not even counting the overtimes.
Not only that, but if you factor in how long it actually takes to get through one of those 40-minute contests -- pregame and postgame comments, halftime reports, timeouts, whistles for fouls and other clock stoppages -- we're talking more in the neighborhood of three hours per game. That's close to 150 guy-hours of basketball, in one great and glorious four-day weekend.
And they say religion is dead ...
So then, how exactly does one take in all of those games? What you really need is a place with multiple big-screen, high-definition televisions; a place where you can have more than one game on at the same time. Which is how Mike, Andy and I ended up spending four days in a casino in West Wendover, Nev.
There was, of course, a price to pay. Unless you're willing to put down a little money on the games, casino sports books don't appreciate you taking up their valuable table space, watching their televisions and sipping their free watered-down drinks.
Maybe it's just rationalizing that whole Mormon guilt thing, but I saw the occasional $5 bet less as gambling and more as paying a reasonable rental fee on our own sweet spot in front of the very large television array.
Did I mention the free drinks? That's another perk of betting on games.
OK, so it's more of a perk for guys like Mike and Andy, who actually drink. But at one point I did ask the barmaid to bring me an orange juice.
I took a sip. It was the worst orange juice I'd ever tasted, and I said as much. I stirred it a bit, thinking maybe the juice had settled. I took another drink. If anything, it tasted even worse.
"Lemme see that," Andy said, grabbing the glass and taking a drink. He laughed. "No wonder. It's a screwdriver."
Mike reached for the glass, and took a drink. Same laugh.
"Yup, it's a screwdriver."
So, who do you suppose was more surprised: the guy who just got his first taste of liquor as a 51-year-old, or the poor guy who ordered a screwdriver and ended up with orange juice? ("Hey! There's O.J. in my vodka!")
OK, so technically, I've never put a cigarette to my lips, but I must've inhaled the equivalent of half-a-dozen packs of smokes over the weekend.
Indeed, if there is a fly in the ointment of our March Madness plan, this is it. Four days of secondhand casino smoke left the three of us sounding like a Selma Diamond impersonators act. Seriously, if someone wanted to lure even more Mormons across the state line, they might think about opening a smoke-free casino.
Speaking of Mormons, being the only LDS adherent in our little Wendover group, I was subjected to the endless "Why shouldn't you ever take just one Mormon fishing?" jokes from Mike and Andy.
Or this one: "Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Mormons don't recognize each other in Wendover."
Which isn't quite true, because a fellow Mormon and I recognized each other during the BYU-Gonzaga game.
Andy and I were stretching our legs near a big projection-screen TV when a guy sitting at the bar says, "Mark! How you doin'?"
We walk over, and it's another active Mormon I know; he and a friend were there watching the game. We all had a good laugh about a couple of Mormons hanging out in Wendover.
Right about then, this Mormon guy's friend casually reaches over and ever-so-quickly slides something that was in front of the Mormon over in front of himself.
"These are both mine, by the way," he deadpans, nodding toward the two bottles of beer now directly in front of him.
Well, you know what they say: What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Wendover makes for some pretty darned amusing anecdotes.
Tattle to Mark Saal's bishop at 801-625-4272 or email@example.com.
Why. I'm just shocked. A Mormon spending 4 days @ a casino! And then writing the world about it! :)
From the article: Speaking of Mormons, being the only LDS adherent in our little Wendover group, I was subjected to the endless "Why shouldn't you ever take just one Mormon fishing?" jokes from Mike and Andy. Or this one: "Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Mormons don't recognize each other in Wendover."
From the article: We walk over, and it's another active Mormon I know; he and a friend were there watching the game. We all had a good laugh about a couple of Mormons hanging out in Wendover. Right about then, this Mormon guy's friend casually reaches over and ever-so-quickly slides something that was in front of the Mormon over in front of himself. "These are both mine, by the way," he deadpans, nodding toward the two bottles of beer now directly in front of him.
Ah. I guess they should have just gone for the hard stuff vs. a beer. Then if anybody asked what the drinks were for, per Joseph Smith, they could have said they were for a mini-shower...citing Mormon Doctrine & Covenants 89:7-8...where...I kid you not...Joseph Smith on Feb. 27, 1833..."prophesied" to his people that:
Strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies. And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle..
Hmm...Feb. 27...1833...February...on the even of March...was Joseph prophesying a way Mormons could excuse their drinking behavior for future Marches...future March madnesses to come upon them???? Hmmm....
Sadly, this type of behavior isn’t limited to Mormons. So many people of faith say one thing and do another....... Of course if the mormons converted over to becoming a lutheran, they could enjoy the occasional beer. And Catholics have bingo!
A: If you only bring on, he'll drink all the beer.
So do people with no faith.
What's your point?
People with no faith don't have to adhere to a moral standard, that's the point. People of faith hold themselves to a higher level. Some boast about it, like Mormons, but when no one is looking, they'll be quick to sin.
Q. What do you serve hard liquor in to a Mormon?
A. Per D&C 89:7-8, a bath tub!
And funding the gambling industry is a good example of how "people of faith" often don't seem to mind doing.
[Now watch: We'll get the "recreational" gamblers in here defending "recreational" gambling...somehow I just don't think when the gambling industry counts its change, it puts $ in one bank account marked "recreational" & $ from another bank account marked "addictive").
I have been in many casinos, and never saw the employee in charge of arm twisting.
Religious -- and non-religious people alike -- utilize their lack of discernment or self-justifying reasons to patronize this industry.
A Mormon thread with no theology!!
We’ll all just have fun for a while (I hope)
A person MUST be a ‘person of faith’ if they think they can beat the Gambling Industry!
Another Mormon liar. If he goes there for four days and smells like tobacco it's because he was drinking and smoking. And this little story was one we have all heard numerous times. His dear wife was with him? Not a chance.
I know this profile for that was my profile for the first forty years of my life. I knew Bishops, Stake Presidents and lots of Mormon bigshots who went to Wendover and Vegas for one reason. To drink and get laid. Phonies!
Didn’t know you were still awake or I would have pinged you. BTW thanks for your good thoughts yesterday. I’ll tell you in person what happened in July.
Mormon urim & thummim ‘translation’ of Pachelbel’s post: “All, look over there! (Maybe you won’t see those Mormons emerging from that casino).”
Not at all accurate if by faith, you are speaking about religious faith. I know people who have no religious belief who have very high morals --- based on what, I don't know. But they don't go about regularly lying, cheating and stealing.
On the other hand, I have known people who trump the Bible (or Talmud or Koran) with great enthusiasm who would also steal your eye teeth, or in the case of Islam, slit your throat) if given the opportunity and not feel a twinge of guilt or shame.
The point is that personal integrity is an inner trait developed in childhood. As a Christian, I believe any lying, cheating, or stealing is upon my conscience and I feel guilt, shame and remorse whenever I inevitably commit one of those sins. I don't know for sure if that ethic is based on the fact that I was raised Christian or the fact that my parents passed their ethics on to me.
I am a sinner, and I admit that I have lied, cheated, and sorry to say that years ago, (when I was about 8 years old) I actually stole a toy I liked from another kid. I still feel the guilt from that one -- and the other lying and cheating done more recently. But 5 decades later, that stupid toy sill haunts the hell out of me.
The only real restraint on society is guilt and shame. Greed may be good in building an economy. I don't think greed is necessarily a sin. But their is no question that guilt and shame is far more powerful in restraining our base instincts than courts or prisons or even death itself. Without guilt and shame, we are animals living in the jungle.
If anything, the world needs far more people capable of feeling guilt, to maintain a functioning society. If we only had to rely only on the 'law' to keep people honest and respectful of others, we are finished as a society. People have to keep themselves honest while also demanding the same from others. Government and law just can't do it.
If anything, the world needs far more people capable of feeling guilt, to maintain a functioning society.
That's not going to happen. And if you force something like that you would have the Mormon Church, Communism, islamic societies....etc.. The lemmings on the bottom would be made to feel guilt but the people on top won't.