Posted on 08/13/2012 1:44:37 PM PDT by NYer
Back in the 1980s when I was ordained, there was a priest in the area who was famous (infamous) for the fact that he requested couples who were going to spend more than $5,000 on a wedding (more in those days than now) to pay a tithe, (one tenth) of what they spent on the wedding, to the poor. While he could not require this of couples, he made of it more than a casual suggestion, reminding them that, as they spent thousands on flowers that wilt and dresses worn only once, there were some in this world who had little to wear or eat. The priest has long since passed away now, but was famous for saying very little at diocesan meetings, except, “Gentlemen, what about the poor?”
The memory of this priest crossed my mind as a Facebook Friend passed on tho me an article entitled: Average Couple spends 26K on Wedding. The article goes on to describe the devastating debt that many families incur, (especially when paired with college debt, etc.), on account of the increasingly unreasonable expectations regarding weddings.
In indicating that $26,000 is the average, that means that half spend more, some a lot more. I actually have couples who are shacking up, (err… “cohabiting”) tell me that they can’t “afford” to get married. Some are surprised when I tell them they don’t have to spend a dime to get married in the Church. They can come to the Chapel with two witnesses and I’ll even buy them lunch. The usual push-back I get is that my suggestion offends against dreams (usually of the woman who wants a picture perfect “Church Wedding”). “So, for the sake of a party you will go offending God?” I ask. “Why not prepare for marriage now, get married in the Chapel, and have a 10th Anniversary bash?” suggest I. “We’ll get back to you on that Father.” Do I need to tell you my phone is not exactly ringing off the hook?
Disclaimer - As regards the cost of weddings, I realize that families do feel certain obligations to others. Further, there are some families that are prominent in the community, and either sense, or do in fact have, wider obligations. I do not, in this article mean to, or wish to, opine on particular weddings and I presume good faith on decisions that families make. However, at the cultural level we have questions to ask ourselves, in terms of the financial and personal costs we place on families. I have little doubt that weddings have always been relatively expensive, but 26K (average) is off the hook, and all of us do well to walk this whole thing back a bit, and ponder what fuels this. There are valid costs, but what part does vanity and dreaminess play on the part of the couple? And what part do unrealistic expectations and commercial hype play from the wider community side?
Permit me to give some excerpts from the article with my own commentary in red. The full article is written by Cathy Grossman of USA Today and is HERE
Call it Wedding Bill Blues. Even with a slight drop in “I Do” spending during recent tough economic years, many couples are beguiled beyond their budgets…..The average couple has a $26,989 wedding, according to Brides magazine. Even though that’s down from a peak of $28,082 in pre-recession 2008… remember this average number means that half of coupes spend more, some a lot more.
Couples are victimized by their own fantasies, cajoled by media visions of celebrity nuptials, and pressured by friends, family, even strangers posting idyllic photos on [wedding sites]…..Resisting is hard, say brides, citing wedding planners who overwhelm them with choices for décor and doo-dads that seem irresistible. Couples can also be lured off their financial feet by bank commercials that encourage borrowing for wedding costs. So the blame is collective, we ought not simply blame dreamy brides, or proud grooms, its all of us.
“It’s emotional. Practicality goes out the window,” says David Jones, president of the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies. Jones [though savvy about the problem of debt] sees many ways debt entraps people. As a grandfather, Jones…found himself a shocked participant in runaway wedding spending for his granddaughter’s wedding…— a $6,000 gown, when $3,000 was planned..
Gosh, I just can’t imagine spending 6K for a dress worn only once.I remember that my mother, to save money, went in on a dress that three of her friends shared (see photo above). Of course in those days women married rather predictably right out of college and such “team arrangements” were easier to make.
Today, does a dress have to be purchased? Can it not be rented? I DO know of some brides who find very lovely “used” gowns for a very reasonable price.
We also discussed last month, that, for those who purchase a dress, there is a very lovely custom of making baptismal gowns from it, or other holy garments.
At any rate, I’m sorry, 6K for a dress worn only once is crazy. Why not just say no to that sort of stuff? I know, I Know, I’m “a man” and wouldn’t understand.
While Jones and his wife contributed cash, their son, father of the bride, “had to work overtime for months after the March wedding to pay off the credit card bills,” Jones says…..Most people don’t have an emergency account or savings. The typical family has $50,000 for retirement.They don’t have six to nine months of savings set aside and even if they did, it wouldn’t be $26,000. Even if young couples are increasingly sharing the costs, they’re facing student loans and credit card debt even before the first wedding invitation flies out.
Hello….There are a lot of other things that won’t be missed too. In then, can we agree, it is the people, and togetherness that makes a wedding reception, not the “stuff.”
The article then details a number of cost savings to consider and couples getting married may find this part of the article helpful. The article then concludes:
>Weddings bells sound like a cash register —Ka-ching! The average 2012 wedding (not including a honeymoon) will cost $26,989, up from $26,501 in 2011. A May 2012 survey of 1,272 Brides magazine and website readers found:
•91% of couples set a budget, but 32% overall, and 40% of those who plan a destination wedding, cross that line.
•72% of couples used savings to pay for their weddings. I presume they deplete it almost entirely? Not a good plan when starting a family.
•30% use credit cards, and most expect to pay off credit cards within six months of their wedding. Think again
•54% of couples said paying for a wedding would not hamper their plans for “buying a house or a car, starting a family, etc.” Think again
•62% of couples say they’re contributing or paying entirely for the reception costs, including 36% of couples who expect to pick up the entire tab themselves. Notice, that’s a big change from 25 years ago when the family of the bride footed most or all the bill. I wonder if parents still paid most of the bill if things would be this off the hook?
•Couples are almost as likely to have a sit-down plated meal at their reception (42%) as a buffet style meal (41%).
Perhaps we can end were we started. I wonder if a cash tithe were going to the poor, if couples and families might not also think a little more soberly. Maybe the older priest I remember had a spiritual insight. When everything isn’t about me, and when I think of others first, perhaps the Lord grants us a greater degree of sobriety.
It isn’t just about weddings, its about a lot of purchases. What if I were going to buy a camera, the latest SLR, and what if it costs $1100 dollars. When It’s just about me, its too easy to say, “Sure! Charge it!” But what if I am also going to have to write a check to overseas relief, of $110? Now I might think twice, or I might not buy the deluxe, or maybe I will buy it, but at least its not just about me.
Maybe, when we render our debt to the poor, first, our own debts are less. Something to think about in the extravaganza and boondoggle known as “the wedding.”
I pulled my hair back with a clip from ... Penney’s or somewhere, $10 max, and my friend pinned the flowers in. My mother made me put lipstick on at the last minute.
No cake-smashing ... why would you do that to someone you like? Besides, I got the cake from a bakery that guaranteed it would taste good - and it did!
Of course, put me on the list, and make sure you ping the Undead Thread so we can all pile on and say “Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Zombiesssssssss!”
Old Sarge, you won’t regret it. I never wanted the big day, or walking down the aisle, etc. My husband and I got married in Gatlinburg, TN-—no stress, no big expense. We celebrated our 16th anniversary yesterday, and I wouldn’t do it any differently. I cannot IMAGINE spending all that money on one day.
My sister-in-law had a huge, huge wedding and was so nervous on the way to the church they had to pull over so she could throw up. Who needs it, LOL!
It’s 34 years ago but I doubt we spent more than $500 including the honeymoon. My daughter’s 14 years ago was between $4000 and $6000.
Not counting the first attempt 39 years ago that was definitely cheaper than either of those.
Wonderful COA! The five-figure formal dress vomit!
ROTFL
No offense taken, you’re absolutely correct. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
Good memory! When my hubby and I first started dating, he bought a beautiful 32' Roughwater sailboat. We started talking marriage about four years later. We wanted to get married on the boat anchored out at sunset and we also wanted to include two dear friends who owned a 42' sailboat with whom we had spent many vacations and weekends sailing together. Well, we were sitting on their boat one Sunday evening in April and we brought up the plan to get married. "We're leaving next weekend for the Bahamas and won't be back until late June. You guys better get to it!", they announced.
Within that week, everything got done (dress, shoes, flowers, cake, travel plans) and we tied up the two boats anchored off Longboat Key that next Friday. Friends and family drove down and we "ferried" them from the public dock to the boats in our dingies. Our pastor (who married us) and his wife were there as well as Mom and Dad and other family and two other sets of friends. We gathered at the bow for the vows with family lined up along the sidedecks and the rest of the group at the bow on the boat next to us. After the ceremony, we had sandwiches and champagne and the wedding cake was a double layer marbled cheesecake frosted in white with pink roses. My bouquet was pink roses and daisies as was my matron of honor's.
All in all we had about two dozen people there and everything was perfect. The evening was pleasant and cool, no bugs, no rain and a gorgeous sunset. Probably cost all of $250.00 for all that. Then two weeks later we had a reception for all the landlubber friends at the clubhouse of my apartment complex. We had nearly a hundred people come out and rather than anyone giving us a wedding gift, we asked that they bring food for the reception. All we had to buy was a keg of beer, the rum punch, I got a Honey-baked ham, made a big 'ol bowl of potato salad and bought a larger version of the same cheesecake. There was plenty of food and the music was from a good stereo system we brought over and CDs. Everyone had a great time. Total cost there was maybe another $250. I got to wear my dress twice and we have great pictures of both parties. Another neat thing we had was a friend videoed the wedding on the boat that we played for the reception folks so it was like they were there, too. Not a bad wedding for a total of $500.00! And we celebrated our 21st. anniversary last April. It CAN be done and no one needs to go into debt for it either.
Good luck Old Sarge!
I've always thought that the length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the number of attendants at the wedding. ;o)
Would you really want to marry someone that insists on spending $26,000 for a wedding?
I had three bridesmaids; my two younger sisters and hubby's younger sister, and their dresses were the same style as mine, though in a different color. Hubby's father was his Best Man, and he had two groomsmen. He and they wore either a suit or a sport coat and slacks. My older sister made my wedding cake which was beautiful AND quite tasty. We had cookies and punch at the Church Hall afterwards, then family and friends went to Mama's house for food prepared by my Aunts and Cousins.
SirKit and I paid for everything to do with the wedding itself, and the food was provided by the Aunts. My dress cost $36, and I made it myself. My wedding bouquet was 36 lovely cream rosebuds, and it was $36. All the other bouquets, boutonnieres, and Mama's corsage were another $36. We also bought two flower arrangements for the Church. Two sisters who were good friends of ours sang for our wedding Mass, and SirKit's sister's husband did the photos, for which my Mama paid $40.
We honeymooned on the MS Gulf Coast, but only had two days, because SirKit had to get back to classes and I had to get back to work. I don't remember exactly, but all the costs associated with our wedding, including the rehearsal dinner, reception, honeymoon; what we paid for, and what my parents and his paid for, was probably no more than $800.
Too many young women today feel the pressure to 'keep up with the Joneses', when planning for their weddings. And now with people delaying marriage until their 30s, they feel the pressure even more to do something 'different'. Why else go to the expense of 'destination' weddings? And good grief, what an expense for those who are invited!
oh I’m glad... it’s hard sometimes to post when you are trying not to be offensive... and...you weren’t WRONG... everyone has their own ideas...however, in today’s world with so much EXTREME unecessary things at weddings, funerals, proms etc... it has to stop.
Simple is beautiful and less is more. :) Thanks, AuntB
oh I’m glad... it’s hard sometimes to post when you are trying not to be offensive... and...you weren’t WRONG... everyone has their own ideas...however, in today’s world with so much EXTREME unecessary things at weddings, funerals, proms etc... it has to stop.
Simple is beautiful and less is more. :) Thanks, AuntB
oh I’m glad... it’s hard sometimes to post when you are trying not to be offensive... and...you weren’t WRONG... everyone has their own ideas...however, in today’s world with so much EXTREME unecessary things at weddings, funerals, proms etc... it has to stop.
Simple is beautiful and less is more. :) Thanks, AuntB
And I bet you looked beautiful and you had a wonderful wedding.
There are so many things wrong today. The cake thing alone is so disrespectful. What groom would want to do that to his bride and...her to him? It’s a lack of respect. Oh they can joke about it and pretend but... to actually do it is total disrespect.
We had a five tier cake but it wasn’t outrageously over the top with bridges and fountains etc...each layer was thick and sat on top of each other as it made its way to the cake topper... it was beautiful and delicious. Made by our small town bakery. And..it ws traditional pound cake. Wasn’t filled with a lot of goo etc...
Brides should look pretty and sweet... today there is not even respect for the preacher, pastor, priest or whomever marries a couple. Dresses are way too revealing and they joke too much. I was married in a church I grew up in, made all my sacraments in and later buried both my parents from. When we walked down the aisle and stood before the Monsignor...the music stopped and he quietly said to me: “you look very pretty,” I thanked him. Our wedding was sincere, serious and there was no way we would have acted silly during that service.
After? We all let loose, danced, visited with our guests, had a great time and stayed 5 hours and we had a great time. We had a buffet, decorated hall, all family and friends and school friends were there...we did all the traditional things one does at receptions and it was and is a day I will never forget all these 53 years later.
I don’t know why EXTREME is so important.... sounds like something is lacking. I don’t know... different world.
“however, in today’s world with so much EXTREME unecessary things at weddings, funerals, proms etc... it has to stop.
Simple is beautiful and less is more. :) “
Agreed! I’ve put on weddings for thousands less than what others seem to spend. In my experience most people spend more than they can afford on most things...which is why this entire country is in the mess its in.
I remembered because I liked it so much, and even more with the additonal details. A wedding and reception can be enjoyable events that everyone remembers positively, without costing a lot of money.
I remembered because I liked it so much, and even more with the additonal details. A wedding and reception can be enjoyable events that everyone remembers positively, without costing a lot of money.
I remembered because I liked it so much, and even more with the additonal details. A wedding and reception can be enjoyable events that everyone remembers positively, without costing a lot of money.
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