Posted on 04/29/2014 2:33:52 AM PDT by NYer
From a reader…
QUAERITUR:
Dear Fr. Z,
I came upon your blog after a very disappointing encounter at church today and in a way, I was looking for some kind of comfort. Please bear with me as I attempt to express both thoughts and feelings.
I have not gone to confession in a long time, so long that I don’t even remember the last time I went. I have lost my way and today’s homily and the celebration of the Feast of the Divine Mercy made me realize that it was time for me to go to confession.
After gathering my courage, I waited in line for over 2 hours in the heat of the noonday sun only to be refused confession by the priest. Frustration. Disappointment. Anger. So many emotions and questions as to why the priest could be so cold even after I said that I have lost my way and that I want to reunite myself with Christ.
After I told him of my intentions, he asked if I was married (yes), if it was at a church (no), if my husband was catholic (no, which is why we were married by a pastor and not in a Roman Catholic church). After hearing my responses he said I was in grave, mortal sin since I wasn’t married in a church and refused to hear my confession but instead offered to pray for me.
It is hard for me to believe that our God would turn someone in my predicament away. I have heard and read the gospels and Jesus never turned anyone away. Does this mean I can never receive the Sacrament of Penance and shouldn’t bother taking communion until I force the man I love to convert to my religion and get married in a Roman Catholic Church? It sounds so contrived!
If the answer is yes then it’s probably time for me to seek a different religion, one that will accept me and my husband with open arms and show me the loving grace and forgiveness of our Father.
My husband has been going to church with me since we married in 2009 and as I walked away in near tears explaining to him what happened, he commented “and you wonder why a lot of Roman Catholics are leaving the church” and I walked in silence, I couldn’t even defend my own religion.
Im hurting Father Z, I want to repair my relationship with God through confession but what am I to do? Should I try a different parish? I feel more lost than when I started.
Please help me Father Z, Im hurting and so desperately want to reunite myself with our God :’(
In John 6, Jesus presents His followers with a difficult teaching: we must eat the flesh of Christ and drink His blood in order to be saved. “Many of his disciples, hearing this, said, ‘This saying is hard, and who can hear it?’” They left Him.
I am sorry you had a bad experience, especially this past Sunday when the Church, according to the ordinary calendar, celebrated God’s mercy. It sounds as if the priest was less than helpful. As I remind people in my Tips for making a good confession, priests also have bad days. On a day when they are hearing many confessions, after having said a couple Masses, priests can get tired.
That said, while Father’s tone was unhelpful, what he said essentially is true. Someone who is living in an objective state that cannot be reconciled with Catholic teaching cannot receive the sacrament of reconciliation until and unless their objective state changes. Essentially, Father was giving you the truth. What is more pastoral than that? He could have stated it much better, however.
It would not have been helpful to you in any way had Father given you absolution and said, “Go in peace.” You would still be in that objective state of sin.
As the disciples learned, sometimes Jesus’ and His Church’s teachings are hard. The solution isn’t to soften them. The solution is not to look for someone who twists Jesus’ teachings to suit our opinions. The solution is to change our lives to fit Christ’s and the Church’s guidance. That includes his tough words on the Eucharist, on marriage, on relationships, on suffering….
What Father probably should have, first, acknowledged that your return to the confessional was through a prompting of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is at work in your soul in ways that you might not be fully aware. It is good that you returned to confession. It took courage and strength to respond to what the Holy Spirit was asking, namely, to examine your life thoroughly and then lay out your sins before the priest and seek forgiveness. Father should have told you that, because of your marriage situation, you can’t receive absolution today, but that he’d be willing to meet with you later in the week (or, if he was a visiting priest, encouraged you to set up an appointment with the pastor) to look for a solution to your situation.
There may be a couple possible solutions, that would be best discussed face to face. Your husband would not need to convert to Catholicism in order to have your marriage celebrated in the Church, a dispensation or permission could be sought (and these are usually granted).
You are disappointed now. Do not be discouraged. The Holy Spirit who led you to the confessional in the first place does not give us discouragement. That’s what the Enemy prompts. God wants to right your relationship with the Church and with Himself. Anything that seems like an easy solution to a difficult situation probably won’t resolve anything.
Were you to, as you say, go elsewhere and find a different religion, knowing that the Catholic Church is the Church Christ founded, what would you have solved? You would only be compounding your problems and endangering your soul. Should we seek out a religion that fits our lives, or should we instead seek out the religion that is true and change our lives to fit the truth?
After Christ’s gave his “hard teaching” in John 6, many disciples left Him. He asked those who remained, “Will you also go away?” St. Peter responded, “Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words of eternal life.” Embrace the truth, even when the truth hurts. The hurt is momentary and, in the long run, good for you. If the priest you encountered in the confessional was not helpful, seek another one who will help you to rectify your marriage situation and lead you back to regular reception of the Sacraments.
That’s my understanding as well.
The church is always going to err on the side of caution & require an annulment procedure if there was a prior marriage. But I can just about guarantee that your friend’s prior marriage was found invalid very quickly on “defect of canonical form” grounds, meaning that the invalidity of the marriage was clear as soon as the facts were set forth.
The really cool thing about the Catholic Church is that it is not contradictory. You just need to read up more on it or talk with someone who REALLy knows what it teaches, not the brother-in-law of a friend and from husbands who report to the media what the Pope said to his wife over the phone!!!
As Father Z tells it...seek the true teaching and come to understand it. It’s just like the whole birth control issue - people just don’t take the time to understand the true teaching and so they live lesser lives and miss out.
This was my thinking as well. My husband is not Catholic and we were not married in a Catholic Church, but I have presented myself for the Sacrament of Confession and never been turned away. And our priest knows of our marriage.
§2. Whenever a marriage is contracted according to the norm of ⇒ can. 1116, a priest or deacon, if he was present at the celebration, or otherwise the witnesses in solidum with the contracting parties are bound to inform as soon as possible the pastor or local ordinary about the marriage entered into.
§3. For a marriage contracted with a dispensation from canonical form, the local ordinary who granted the dispensation is to take care that the dispensation and celebration are inscribed in the marriage registers of both the curia and the proper parish of the Catholic party whose pastor conducted the investigation about the free status. The Catholic spouse is bound to notify as soon as possible the same ordinary and pastor about the marriage celebrated and also to indicate the place of the celebration and the public form observed.
Can. 1122 §1. The contracted marriage is to be noted also in the baptismal registers in which the baptism of the spouses has been recorded.
§2. If a spouse did not contract marriage in the parish in which the person was baptized, the pastor of the place of the celebration is to send notice of the marriage which has been entered into as soon as possible to the pastor of the place of the conferral of baptism.
Can. 1123 Whenever a marriage is either convalidated in the external forum, declared null, or legitimately dissolved other than by death, the pastor of the place of the celebration of the marriage must be informed so that a notation is properly made in the marriage and baptismal registers.
Can. 1124 Without express permission of the competent authority, a marriage is prohibited between two baptized persons of whom one is baptized in the Catholic Church or received into it after baptism and has not defected from it by a formal act and the other of whom is enrolled in a Church or ecclesial community not in full communion with the Catholic Church.
Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:
1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;
2/ the other party is to be informed at an appropriate time about the promises which the Catholic party is to make, in such a way that it is certain that he or she is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party;
3/ both parties are to be instructed about the purposes and essential properties of marriage which neither of the contracting parties is to exclude.
Can. 1126 It is for the conference of bishops to establish the method in which these declarations and promises, which are always required, must be made and to define the manner in which they are to be established in the external forum and the non-Catholic party informed about them.
Can. 1127 §1. The prescripts of ⇒ can. 1108 are to be observed for the form to be used in a mixed marriage.
Nevertheless, if a Catholic party contracts marriage with a non-Catholic party of an Eastern rite, the canonical form of the celebration must be observed for liceity only; for validity, however, the presence of a sacred minister is required and the other requirements of law are to be observed.
§2. If grave diYculties hinder the observance of canonical form, the local ordinary of the Catholic party has the right of dispensing from the form in individual cases, after having consulted the ordinary of the place in which the marriage is celebrated and with some public form of celebration for validity. It is for the conference of bishops to establish norms by which the aforementioned dispensation is to be granted in a uniform manner.
§3. It is forbidden to have another religious celebration of the same marriage to give or renew matrimonial consent before or after the canonical celebration according to the norm of §1. Likewise, there is not to be a religious celebration in which the Catholic who is assisting and a non-Catholic minister together, using their own rites, ask for the consent of the parties.
Can. 1128 Local ordinaries and other pastors of souls are to take care that the Catholic spouse and the children born of a mixed marriage do not lack the spiritual help to fulfill their obligations and are to help spouses foster the unity of conjugal and family life.
Can. 1129 The prescripts of cann. ⇒ 1127 and ⇒ 1128 must be applied also to marriages which the impediment of disparity of cult mentioned in ⇒ can. 1086, §1 impedes.
From Fr. Z's comments and reading her story, it sounds like she did not have the dispensation from form. If my reading is correct than the priest was spot on.
I do reserve the right to be completely wrong and will continue to study this further.
It was... adultery, abuse and finally the abandonment. She is very happy now.
Not necessarily true. The baptism must be Trinitarian.
For the sacrament to be valid, three things have to be present: the correct form, the correct matter, and the correct intention. With baptism, the correct intention is to do what the Church does, the correct matter is water, and the correct form is the baptizing "in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit" (Matt. 28:19).
Jehovah’s Witnesses sometimes use no formula at all in their baptisms, and an even larger group, the "Jesus Only" Pentecostals, baptize "in the name of Jesus." As a result, the baptisms of these groups are invalid; thus, they are not Christian, but pseudo-Christian. Both groups also reject the Trinity. Jehovah’s Witnesses claim that Jesus is not God, a heresy known as Arianism (after its fourth-century founder), and the "Jesus Only" Pentecostals claim that there is only a single person, Jesus, in the Godhead, a heresy known as Sabellianism
The woman wasn’t married in a church. If a Catholic enters marriage outside of the Catholic Church without the necessary dispensation, then the marriage is considered invalid and is not recognized by the Church. Moreover, this action places the person in a state of mortal sin. For instance, if a Catholic marrying either another Catholic or anyone else just decides to be married in some other Church or by a Justice of the Peace, that marriage is invalid. While such a marriage may have legal standing in the eyes of the state, it has no legitimate standing in the eyes of the Church. Ref
Forgot to include you in this ping.
Forgot to include you in this ping.
You’re right, I did miss that detail. I apologize.
The point remains (though it should be directed to the husband. I apologize, Father!)
However, one of the 6 precepts of the church (prior to Vatican II revisions I suppose) states:
6. To never violate the laws concerning the Sacrament of Matrimony.
And that includes a prohibition against marrying a non-Catholic. (See http://www.shrineofsaintjude.net/homemx.html)
My bulljive meter is clicking big time at this woman’s account, starting with her having to stand in line for 2 hours in the sun. Was this some sort of fresh air church?
That’s interesting. Do any of you (also pinged) know if that portion of the Canon was changed at or as a result of Vatican II, and, if so, what was the rationale (if any)?
Thank you all (and any I missed) for your previous replies they were helpful.
Key word — Holy Spirit.
The woman needs to sit down with a priest and find out what she needs to do to have her marriage con-validated in the Church.
I’m not an expert, but the answer may be an annulment or something much simpler. As Father Z said — there is a solution.
God bless her for listening to the Holy Spirit and attempting to go seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
As Father Z tells it...seek the true teaching and come to understand it. It’s just like the whole birth control issue - people just don’t take the time to understand the true teaching and so they live lesser lives and miss out.
_____________________________
Amen....and AMEN!
You are right regarding Baptism. In addition, there are other denominations that sometimes use other than the Trinitarian formula. In the South here, there are often Church of Christ preachers who do not use the Trinitarian form, stating,for example, I baptize you in the “Spirit of truth”...or the “God of the Resurrection” or in the “name of the Redeemer.” This can also happen with other denominations as well.
Looks like all non-Catholics who are not married by the Catholic church are living in a state of mortal sin after all.
Or even baptized Catholics who were married to someone not Catholic by someone not Catholic.
So the priest retained her sin, even though she wanted to confess?
And we’re assured here that no Catholic priest would ever do that.
The hypocrisy abounds.
Catholicism, the religion of control, not forgiveness and mercy after all.
Annulment = church sanctioned divorce.
It probably took place in a Church outside of this country, whee there was a long line that went to the outside of the Church...because it took place on Divine Mercy Sunday and there was most likely a crowd of people there that day.
I doubt if it was outside of the USA, as she sounds too much like many whining American women that we have these days.
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