Posted on 06/14/2014 10:06:08 AM PDT by Gamecock
I've heard people say that growing up as an evangelical meant they never talked about sex. This wasn’t my experience. I grew up in the thick of evangelical purity culture and we talked about sex A LOT. We just spent all of that time talking about how and why NOT to have it.
As someone who waited until I was married to have sex, I was assured that I would be guaranteed an easy and rewarding sex life. When reality turned out to be different, I was disappointed and disillusioned. Only through gradual conversations with other married friends did I realize I wasn’t alone.
I started to wonder if maybe the expectations themselves were wrong. Maybe what I’d been told or inferred about post-marital sex simply wasn’t true.
Here are four of the biggest lies about sex I believed before marriage
1. Any and all physical contact is like a gateway drug to sex.
Once in high school I attended a big Christian youth conference. One night, one of the chaperones addressed the girls: “Girls, we have noticed some very inappropriate touching going on...”
The inappropriate touching she meant turned out to be two high school couples in the youth group holding hands. This woman was deadly serious. “I know it may not seem like a big deal to you,” she said. “But hand-holding leads to OTHER THINGS!”
I heard similar things from parents, teachers, church leaders and books. In my church it was not unusual for people to pledge not only to save sex until marriage, but even to save their first kiss for their wedding day. “Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car,” and other similar metaphors warned me that any physical contact was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication.
On this side of things, I can honestly say that there are SO many conscious decisions you have to make between kissing and having sex. Despite what Hollywood says, clothes do not take themselves off and bodies do not magically and effortlessly fit together.
If you are committed to waiting until you’re married to have sex, there are many valid reasons to set boundaries on your physical relationship, but the fear of accidentally having sex shouldn’t be one of them.
2. If you wait until you are married to have sex, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.
Before my wedding night, I had been told that honeymoon sex isn’t usually the best sex. I had heard that good sex takes work. I knew that it would probably be uncomfortable at first. But what nobody ever, EVER told me was that it was possible that it just might not work at all at first. On my wedding night, my mind and heart were there, but my body was locked up tighter than Maid Marian’s chastity belt.
I entered marriage with the firm conviction that God rewards those who wait, only to find myself confounded by the mechanics. I felt like an utter failure, both as a wife and a woman. And while we did (eventually) get things working, this was hard, frustrating, embarrassing and a huge blow to our confidences.
Saving sex for marriage is not a guarantee that you will have great sex or that sex will be easy. All it guarantees is that the person you fumble through it with will be someone who has already committed to love you forever.
3. Girls don’t care about sex.
As a teenager and young adult I cannot count the times I heard something to this effect: “Boys are very visual and sexual, so even though you aren’t thinking about sex, you need to be careful because you are responsible for not making them stumble.”
Let’s disregard for now how degrading this is toward men and focus on the underlying assumption that boys are sexual and girls aren’t. For years I was told that “girls don’t care about sex.” Well, as it turns out, I do. This has been a deep source of shame for me. For a long time I felt like a freak, until I started to realize that I wasn’t the only one, not by a longshot. But I never knew it because no one would admit it.
Many girls (yes, even Christian girls) think about sex. Many girls (yes, even Christian girls) like sex. This doesn’t make you a freak. It doesn’t make you unfeminine or unnatural. God created us, both men AND women, as sexual beings. Enjoying sex makes you a human being created by God, in the image of God, with the capacity and desire to love—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually.
4. When you get married, you will immediately be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt or shame.
Many Christians have spent years—from the day they hit puberty until their wedding day—focusing their energy on keeping their sex drives in check. Then, in the space of a few hours, they are expected to stop feeling like their sexuality is something they must carefully control and instead be able to express it freely. And not only that—but express it freely with another person.
Many of us have programmed guilt into ourselves—this is how we keep ourselves in check throughout our dating relationships. And that “red light” feeling we train ourselves to obey doesn’t always go away just because we’ve spoken some vows and signed some papers.
It took me several months to stop having that sick-to-my-stomach guilty feeling every time I was together with my husband. Not everyone experiences this, but for the many people who do, it’s terribly isolating. Once again we’re experiencing something our churches and communities never acknowledged as a possibility. We feel alone and broken and filled with a profound sense that this isn’t the way it’s meant to be.
I don’t regret waiting until I was married to have sex, and I’m not advocating that churches stop teaching that sex is designed for marriage. But I do think there is something seriously wrong with the way we’ve handled the conversation.
If our reason for saving sex until marriage is because we believe it will make sex better or easier for us, we’re not only setting ourselves up for disappointment, but we’re missing the point entirely. Those of us who choose to wait do so because we hold certain beliefs about the sacredness of marriage and about God's intentions and wishes for humanity, and we honor these regardless of whether they feel easier or harder. In the meantime, we in the evangelical church has a lot of work to do correcting the distorted ways we talk about sex and sexuality, especially to our youth.
I remember that survey. It was in the seventies.
Frolicking in the fields? What if you don’t have access to a field? That’s gotta be inequality, of some kind, or something, I think.
Sure isn’t taught to such absurdities in lots of churches.
What is all too often not taught is the value of earlier marriage. Quit fighting the best time for it.
In other cultures, female toplessness isn't an issue, and they find it humorous that westerners consider it to be so. Plus, nipples are not associated directly with sex, in fact, they really are entirely unrelated to sex.
On the other hand, in western culture it has been customary for quite a long time for women to keep their breasts covered, and they have gained thes status of "secondary sexual characteristics." Point being, its not appropriate in our society for women to show their nipples, but its not the same thing as sex.
I’m not exactly grasping your point.
Associated. Trying to distinguish. Men get hyped up about it because they don’t have them. It may be western to hide them but men all over still like squeezing them.
I don't think for a second that God wants us to be ashamed of our bodies. Modest, yes. Respectful? Sure. But ashamed? Ignorant? No way. HE made them, after all. And he made them the way they are, which is perfect. So there's nothing to be ashamed of.
There are possibly males who are equally ignorant.
There are undoubtedly boys who have been warned against "touching themselves" and who don't understand their perfectly natural sexual reactions. But since women have traditionally been the losers in illicit sexual encounters, I think more stress is put on them to avoid sexual thoughts, and consequently, they tend to be more ignorant more often.
I don't know that for a fact, but I've never met a male who was as ignorant about his body as this poor girl was about hers.
“The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye”
Ah yes... I agree it’s a great book!
Freep-mail me to get on or off my pro-life and Catholic List:
Please ping me to note-worthy Pro-Life or Catholic threads, or other threads of general interest.
“My car was also an issue as well, a 280ZX.”
Heavens, that’s racy!
“Frolicking in the fields? What if you don’t have access to a field? That’s gotta be inequality, of some kind, or something, I think.”
Quick, someone alert Michelle 0bama to these Frolic Deserts.
I’ve never been in a church dumb enough to say “girls don’t care about sex” and “after marriage sexual fulfillment comes naturally”.
I actually believe that touching is a gateway to sex.
And, so far as abstinence leading to mind-blowing sex, I’d know what someone meant, but I’d laugh at them for saying it that way.
So, these aren’t ‘lies that churches teach’. They’re a combination of myths about church, a decent warning, and a corny statement.
Okay she does have a point but let’s at least recognize that it stems from a reaction to an aggressively sexualizing world. Can it be done better? Sure, but the Christian communities are still reeling from a sexual revolution that knows no boundaries and takes no prisoners.
Sounds like vaginismus. That's something that happens sometimes even when a woman doesn't wait for marriage. There's lots of reasons why it might happen, but it's not necessarily because the woman waited.
I had never heard of these folks before.
Why John Calvin, may I ask?
From Google: John Calvin, Theologian
John Calvin was an influential French theologian and pastor during the Protestant Reformation. He was a principal figure in the development of the system of Christian theology later called Calvinism. Wikipedia
Born: July 10, 1509, Noyon, France
Died: May 27, 1564, Geneva, Switzerland
=============================================
1. What about all the folks before him?
2. Were they heretics, not saved?
3. Why is he more special that the first "reformer," German priest and monk, Father Martin Luther?
I'm not challenging, protesting or criticizing, just asking.
4. Brigade?
5. For the greater glory of God?
BRIGADE: A brigade is a major tactical military formation that is typically composed of three to six battalions plus supporting elements. It is roughly equivalent to an enlarged or reinforced regiment. Three or more brigades constitute a division.
6. Why choose a noun that is synonymous for being armed with killing weapons and for fighting/killing? There are no PEACE brigades.
7. Or are you trying to BEGIN one? I think that would be FINE, by the way.
The Crusaders, all Catholics, tried that, BY THE SWORD.
From 1095 - 1291--TWO HUNDRED years of the CRUSADES, too many deaths, probably in their own particular "brigades" AND all for the greater glory of God.
And, so far as abstinence leading to mind-blowing sex, I’d know what someone meant, but I’d laugh at them for saying it that way.
I'd laugh with you. The word "quickie" comes to mind,
So, these aren’t ‘lies that churches teach’. They’re a combination of myths about church, a decent warning, and a corny statement.
Every culture, population and ethnicity has had the same myths, jokes, promises, shibboleths and lies about sex and marriage.
Husband and wife can create some great chemistry. BUT chemistry isn't going to make for a successful marriage. A WHOLE LOT MORE is needed for that. But, you know that.
By the way, isn't sex connected with chocolate? It's been a while but I THINK I remember right.
Having a female roommate teach you about sex was very helpful. No woman I ever dated was willing to share that info.
I'm not exactly grasping your point
Neither am I; why are you referring to Catholics who leave Catholicism because of their sexual sins ? This young woman was an Evangelical of some sort who waited for marriage, and apparently did not sin, yet had troubles consummating her marriage and adjusting. If you read her blog a bit you can see she has some challenges (sharing this side of her life with millions of Internet users ... what could go wrong ? she also labels herself a feminist !!! nothing good will come of that; I pity her and hope she avoids the pitfalls).
I'll chalk it up to the foolishness of youth; she is fairly young and probably wants to rebel a bit. Time will tell.
No not at all, Catholics in name only leave for that and one other reason.
But it does put down the lie that it is just Catholics that are the only ones "hung up" about sex.
You have to be a man.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.