Posted on 07/13/2003 12:22:47 PM PDT by MarMema
Chicago, Illinois, USA - Meeting in the Windy City for their triennial conference, the Synod of Canonical, Official Orthodox Bishops of America (SCOOBA) have unanimously voted to denounce the return of Elian Gonzales to Cuba.
Entire Parish Arrives Before Little Entrance
Takoma Park, Maryland, USA -- In a move that was mostly horizontal, the entire parish at All Saints of Middle-Class America Orthodox Church (rump OCA) actually showed up almost on time for the Liturgy this past Sunday. The last couple (Mr. and Mrs. Thomas ("The Apostle of Course Who Do You Think We Meant?") Smolson) showed up just as the Little Entrance was beginning.
"This is amazing!" said an amazed Father John ("of Patmos") Johnson, pastor of All Saints Church. "Usually you have people straggling in long after the Gospel reading. But today everybody was here! There was nobody left to straggle in, once the Smolsons got here. We were packed cheek-and-jowl of course, but hey, did we get a lot o' worshippin' done!"
"Is outrage!" raged outraged priest Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC). "Was it all people showing up on time for Liturgy in Nineteenth Century Russia? No, it was not. Actually, I am thinking, this is nothing to brag about. I am shut up now."
"I don't know what happened," said Susan ("the prophetess Suzana") Tenbridge, who usually doesn't darken the door of All Saints until after the Symbol of Faith. "I really wasn't watching the clock; I just got ready like I usually do, and when I got to church, it was still Matins! I never realized how nice the music is before 'Come Let Us Worship.' Lots of stuff from the Psalms. Very lovely. I may have to come on time more often!"
"Submitted for your approval," began Professor Yeraslav Penguin in a vaguely familiar lilting tone, "one parish whose members have passed from tardiness and absenteeism into the on-time zone." Professor Penguin, Onion Dome dry-as-dust historical correspondent and sometime seminary professor at St. Toucan's Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe, does not look a thing like Rod Serling.
"Who?" asked Professor Penguin.
"Professor Penguin, why is it so uncommon for all the members of an Orthodox parish to show up on time for the Divine Liturgy?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter, trepidatiously.
"Do we ask why the stars -- spin so regularly -- in their perfect spheres?" countered Professor Penguin, in another hauntingly familiar tone. "Billyuns and billyuns of--"
"Well I don't, but astronomers do," interrupted our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. "And I think they have some pretty good answers, too, if I remember correctly."
"Who are these astronomers of whom you speak?" asked Professor Penguin.
"Do you ever read anything besides theology?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"Like what?" asked Professor Penguin.
"Never mind," said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
Turning to Father John, our intrepid Onion Dome reporter then asked, "Is the rumour true that the church newsletter incorrectly asserted that Daylight Savings Time was going to be two hours this summer instead of the regular one, thus perhaps causing your parishioners to set their clocks ahead two hours and show up an hour earlier than they thought it really was?"
"No comment," said Father John.
"Here I have a copy of the church newsletter, showing the incorrect information about the time shift," said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter, holding up the offending newsletter.
"I don't recall," said Father John.
"Here is the very paragraph, let me read it," continued our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. "Please remember to set your clocks ahead TWO hours Saturday night, in accordance with the new, improved Daylight Savings Time instituted by presidential decree."
"La la la la, I can't hear you," said Father John (in the third tone).
Catechumen Departs
Takoma Park, Maryland, USA -- In a move which took him from the front of the nave, through the back door, and out into the parking lot, catechumen Phil ("no saint's name yet because he's still just a catechumen") Smythe departed the Church of All Saints of Middle-Class America (Rump OCA) this past Sunday, just before the litany of the faithful.
Orthodox Worker Calls in Sick on Day of Big Company Picnic and Barbecue
Sioux City, Iowa, USA -- Rather than have to either eat meat or explain why he wasn't, Orthodox worker Biff (St. Gleb the Passion Bearer) Zagruder called in sick the day of his employer's company cook-out.
"It's always just a ton of grilled meat: burgers, shish kebabs, marinated beef tri tip, baby back ribs, buffalo porterhouse, bratwurst, those boneless teriyaki chicken thigh thingees that you get from Costco, t-bone steaks, hot dogs, kafta kebabs, beef ribs, boneless pork shoulder, cutlets of venison, sirloin medallions, filet mignon, rotisserie chicken, elk tenderloin--"
"Um, Biff?" interrupted our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"Yes?" replied Zagruder.
"We get the picture. Lots of meat," said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"And it's always on a FRIDAY!" whined Zagruder. "And never on a fast-free Friday either."
"So you just called in sick?" inquired our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"That's right. It's too hard to explain to people why you're not eating any of the meat, especially since I eat meat most other times we go out, and besides it's all paid for by Mr. Doltzheimer, the owner of the company, and it's like if you don't eat any meat, you're insulting the big boss, and who can afford to make their boss angry in these economic times, I mean, it's not like there are people backing up to my door to unload job offers on my front porch, so it's not like I can--"
"Is outrage!" suggested Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich, official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians, pastor of the Sts. Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church of Sydney, Australia, and producer/manager of rising Orthodox Rap star Bug Vasileivichivich (his son), who happened to be in town with the Bug V. World Tour. "Was it company meat cooking-outs on Fridays in Nineteenth Century Russia? No, everybody was Orthodox. Or at least pretended to be."
"But this isn't Nineteenth Century Russia, Father," complained Zagruder.
"More is pity," sighed Fr. Vasiliy.
"And companies do have meat cook-outs on Fridays here in the American midwest," continued Zagruder.
"Is most unfortunate thing," admitted Fr. Vasiliy.
"So what am I supposed to do?" wondered Zagruder.
"Lay cards on table. Admit to being Orthodox and having glorious fasting tradition. Eat Soy Burgers while coworkers are eating of meat, smiling all this while," suggested Fr. Vasiliy.
"Are you kidding?" inquired Zagruder. "They'd crucify me. After they'd drawn and quartered me, of course. And I'd never hear the end of pious and well-meaning Protestants trying to rescue me from the evil clutches of Orthodoxy. Ever come into work and find your desk entirely covered by tracts with names like.. "God Has a Wonderful Non-Byzantine Plan For Your Life?"
Pink Stain Finally Gone From Orthodox Egg-Dyer's Fingers
Salina, Kansas, USA -- In a move that was greeted with great relief, the pink stain has finally left the fingers of Barbara ("The Great Martyr") Christiansen, who during Holy Week dyed some five dozen eggs a deep, Orthodox red.
"Well, we started with five dozen, but ended with closer to four," said Christiansen.
"That's nice. Every year I say I'm going to get rubber gloves, and every year I forget," continued the mother of three and wife of Gary ("Gregory the Theologian") Christiansen, who also helped dye the eggs.
"Ha! Was it rubber gloves in Nineteenth Century Russia?" asked Father Vasiliy Vasileivich.
"I don't know. Was it?" asked Christiansen.
"No, it was not," said Fr. Vasiliy.
"That's nice. Everybody at work was like, 'Eww, stay away!' and my boss asked if I needed to go the doctor or something," continued Christiansen.
Greek Scientists Discover Ninth Tone
Athens, Greece -- In an exciting move literally unprecedented in Orthodox history, scientists at the University of Athens this week discovered a ninth Orthodox hymnographic tone, where only eight were believed to exist for well over a thousand years.
"I guess nobody ever looked in the right place before," explained Father Asmelq Sgudforya, liturgical scholar at the University. "Probably this is due to the fact that most people have looked to the right of Tone Eight, whereas we found the extra tone in between Tones Five and Six."
"So it's sort of a Five-and-a-halfth Tone?" inquired our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"Well, closer to five-and-three-eighthsth. Actually, to be precise, it's the square root of 29."
"Is outrage!" opined Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) and one-time Australian ping-pong champion. "If scholars in Nineteenth Century Russia couldn't find tone, is not tone to be found."
"I can assure you it's there," said Father Asmelq. The famous scholar then sang "Lord I Call Upon Thee" in the new tone, as well as the first three stikhera from the praises at Vespers, and the first ode of the Canon in Tone Square-root-of-29.
"Is possible new tone exists," admitted Fr. Vasiliy. "But Russians are not interested in adding tone. You Greeks -- always innovating. We Russians like to stay with what has always worked."
"But don't you think God wants us to use all of the Tones He has provided?" asked Father Asmelq.
"Is God wanting us to use all of our fingers to make sign of cross? No, God was happy when we used two. We were happy when we used two. Then you Greeks were insisting we use three. Like fools we listened to you. Then, after you gave us finger, we had big schism. So we are NOT adding new tone."
Debate Rages over Prepackaged Foods in Lent
Everywhere -- Continuing a near-2,000 year old tradition, modern Orthodox cannot agree on how best to keep the Lenten fast. At particular issue in the modern debate are prepackaged foods, which may contain trace amounts of non-Lenten ingredients. How much is too much? It depends upon whom you ask.
"I never read after the point where it says 'contains less than 2% of the following,'" said Father John Johnson, rector of the rump OCA's All Saints of Middle-Class America Church in Takoma Park, Maryland. "If it's that little, it can't possibly matter."
"God weeps at such arrogance," opined Fr. Desmond Dekker, official spokesman for the Greater North American Independent Orthodox Church, Inc. "Even walking past a place that is cooking meat or eggs could be enough to vitiate one's entire Lenten fast. A true Orthodox would hold his nose, walking past such a place."
"True pharisee, you are meaning. What is this word, 'vitiate'?" asked Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich, pastor of Sts. Boris and Gleb and Olga and Vladimir Russian Orthodox Church, Sydney, Australia, official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), and five-time runner-up in the Australian National Chili Cook-Off (Vegetarian division). "Actually only four-time runner up; once I came in third," said Fr. Vasiliy apologetically. "Forgot holy water that year."
"Ze word 'vitiate,' zis means to make worsless, or to make somesing null and void," explained Fr. Thom du Pere, rector of the St. Martin of Convenient Half-price Tours Orthodoxxe Church, near Paris, France. "Zis is also le fanaticisme. We are looking at ze first five ingredients on ze label. If anysing is after ze fifth ingredient, zis is too small to worry about."
"Five! Five ingredients!" huffed Fr. John ("of Kronstadt") Sebelius of Helsinki, Finland. "Five is not Orthodox number. We look at first seven ingredients. Seven is holy Orthodox number."
"Seven is fine during normal times," opined former monastery chef Euthymius, head librarian at St. Indigent Monastery, Gaza, Palestine. "But during the four great fasts, I always look at the first 40 ingredients."
"Nothing has 40 ingredients!" exclaimed Father Apollo Dionysius, rector of St. Helen's Very Greek Orthodox Church, Erie, Pennsylvania, USA.
"Americans!" exaspirated Father David Andersen of Holy Commiseration Orthodox Church, Sydney, Australia.
"What's that supposed to mean?" inquired Father Thomas Parks of Saints Innocent and Guilty Orthodox Church, Salina, Kansas, USA.
"Easier just not to fast at all," suggested Fr. Michael Heliopolis of St. Helen and Constantine Very Greek Church of Boston, Massachussetts, USA.
"Greeks!" exaspirated Fr. William Post of Holy Redirection Orthodox Church, Tacoma, Washington, USA.
Ecumenism Runs Amok
New York, New York, USA - At approximately 9:15 A.M. Eastern Standard Time (GMT-5 hours) this past Tuesday, ecumenism ran amok, swamping the world with heresy and nearly overwhelming the powers of truly true Orthodox believers to resist.
"It was like a huge wall of ecumenism, coming straight down 4th Avenue," gasped Father John Johnson of Takoma Park, Maryland's Church of All Saints of Middle-Class America (of the Rump OCA). "I tried to run but was crushed under the immense weight. When I got up, I had this inexplicable urge to concelebrate at an Episcopal church, shave my beard off, and wear a tab collar. My wife had to sit on me until the feeling passed."
Bystanders believe the wave was generated by the World Council of Heretics, a leading ecumenical group comprised of delegates from most of the world's heterodox Christian sects (Baptists, Presbyterians, Roman Catholics, you know the sort), and a handful of mostly compromised Orthodox hangers-on.
Tolls to Increase at Post-Mortem Tollbooths
San Francisco, California, USA - In a move that has yet to be analyzed by anybody, the Archangel Gabriel announced today that tolls at the post-death tollbooths on the way to heaven will be increased soon.
"We just can't keep operating at a loss," complained the Archangel. "The Angels haven't had a pay raise since 1917, and the Demons' Local 666 has threatened to strike if their wages aren't adjusted to reflect changes in the cost of bodiless living over the last two millenia. So I'm sorry to announce that a simple onion won't suffice anymore."
(Excerpt) Read more at theoniondome.com ...
The horse orders a beer.
A few minutes later, John Kerry walks in and sits at the bar. The bartender walks up and says "Hey pal, cheer up. Why the long face?"
I'll stop if you guys will donate and get us over our fundraising goal
I'd just as soon go back to not being noticed! ("Orthodox? You mean like that there Greek Orthodox?")
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