Posted on 01/30/2002 12:57:39 AM PST by 2Trievers
DEAR MOM, WHAT can I say? War is hell, but Guantanamo is fab. Temps are hovering in the low 70s, finally got rid of that rats nest the Tbans called a beard, and am eating better than we ever did at Osamas. Ive already put on 10 pounds. When I get out of here, Ill bring you a box of Froot Loops. When do I get out of here now theres the question of the millennium. But, hey, whos in a hurry? Like I said, they feed us, let us shower, pray, write home. They even gave us a mattress, prayer mats and a copy of the Koran. What a bunch of twits. Speaking of which, have you been following the news about our maltreatment here? Its a hoot. Amnesty International and a bunch of other bleeding-heart organizations have been giving the Americans hell for being hard on us. They said that shaving our heads and beards was a human-rights violation because it humiliated us. Im telling you, who needs Comedy Central? Me? Im just happy to be rid of the lice, but dont tell anybody. Ha, ha. Our self-anointed protectors also say that making us live in these open-air pens is cruel. Obviously, theyve never lived in a cave. Weve got a roof remember those? and plenty of shade. The soldiers watching over us are sweating like pigs in their tents while their guys still in Afghanistan would probably trade their baby sisters for a weekend in my cell. Anyway, all us guys are loving the attention, as well as the distraction. Were just waiting for the right moment when we can get back to business. All that training wasnt for nothing. Hannibal Lecter, eat your own heart out. One chance, thats all I need, and a Marines aortic valve will be my breakfast. I hope its a woman. Nah, just kidding, Ma. Speaking of women, hows it going over there? I hear lots of mud huts have blue burqa curtains these days. Tch, how Gone with the Wind. As you might have gathered, the Americans have weird ideas about women. Let me put it this way Christiane Amanpour! The sexes are totally equal, and women act and talk just like men. If they were our women living under our laws, wed have to shoot every last one of them. But typical of these Western psychos, nest-ce pas? Americans dont realize that theyre their own worst enemies. Theyre so consumed with doing the right thing, with being sensitive (even soldiers have gender-sensitivity training, for Allahs sake) and not hurting anybodys feelings, that theyre practically rocking us to sleep at night. Hey, tell Amnesty International I need cable! And while theyre at it, I could use some Dasani. This local stuff is a tad cloudy. As far as I can tell, the only American with any spine or sense is that dude Rumsfeld. Of course, he was a soldier before John Gray started carrying on about Mars and Venus. Are Americans stupid or what? They believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yeah, right. Anyway, Rumsfeld understands that we would disembowel any American without hesitation or regret. He seems to get it that our whole purpose in life is to destroy America. We dont hate freedom, Mr. Prezzie; we just hate you and all your stinking ilk. That goes for all you hyphenated-Americans, too. Think hard. We shoot our own mothers for stepping outside their houses without our permission, and you think wed hesitate to rip out a soldiers jugular when he bends down to make sure our handcuffs arent bruising our little wristy-poos? You gotta love em, mom. Weve used their naivete against them before; well do it again and die happy. Well, I better go now. They just called us to prayer (die laughing here), and Im hoping for a quick nap before dinner. Ciao for now. Love, Muhammad Mohammed Mohamed. P.S. That time I beat you for laughing too loud? Sorry, I didnt mean it. By the way, have you gone back to your anesthesiologist job yet? Kathleen Parker is an Orlando Sentinel columnist.
Yikes!
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