Posted on 06/13/2004 10:24:43 PM PDT by goldstategop
Vox Day
Is marriage worth it?
A reader, who happens to be a single man of marriageable age, wrote in to ask me a simple question: "Does anyone out there feel that marriage is worth it?"
After some reflection, I decided to answer him thusly: A marriage to the right person is worth it. A marriage to the wrong person is not. How does one decide who the right person is? Aye, there's the rub ...
This is not to say that one cannot determine who the right person is, only that it requires a certain amount of analytical detachment about the relationship that is difficult for most people. Some of the more important factors for a man to consider, in my opinion, are as follows:
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment she is making than will a secular or casually religious woman. As for irreligious men, I see no purpose in marrying whatsoever – why put oneself at serious risk for a sacrament in which one does not believe? If you're marrying her simply because she demands it, don't be surprised when you're forced to accede to other, even less palatable demands, like a divorce.
2. Does she accept the notion of personal responsibility? A woman who is constantly blaming others for her problems in life will soon begin to see her husband as the source of all her problems. These women always blame whoever they are around the most instead of themselves – if she's constantly complaining about her coworkers or her family, don't even continue to date her. If you do, soon enough you'll discover that she has a new target at which to aim her barbs.
3. Are you comfortable with her? Passion is no substitute for genuine compatibility. Hot sex is delightful, but there is the other 99 percent of the time to consider, too. If you and your potential wife are not capable of several hours in the same room together without talking or otherwise interacting directly, you may not be comfortable enough with one another.
4. Can she entertain herself? Men need their downtime. This becomes problematic if she sees your free time as a violation of her time with you.
5. Does she genuinely put the interests of others first? I love a beautiful, self-centered drama queen as much or more than the next guy, but I would never want to marry one. They're fun to watch ... from a distance. Keep your distance.
6. Do your friends and family think she's good for you? Those around you are not likely to be blinded by the rose-tinted lenses of infatuation and will often have a better read on her true personality than you do. If you find yourself defending her by saying things like "Oh, but you just don't know her," then you are flirting with long-term trouble.
7. Does she attempt to control you? This tendency will only get worse with marriage, so any sign of this in a dating relationship is a red flag. Women have a strong maternal instinct and have a hard time grasping that most men loathe being mothered – can she back off when you tell her to?
8. Does she treat you with respect, in public and in private? If she does, this is an excellent sign. If she's always putting you down, just "giving you a hard time" and "keeping you in your place," better find someone else. Marriage is not a buddy-cop movie.
9. Are you in agreement on the larger issues? If she wants kids and you don't, forget it. If she wants to keep up with the Joneses and you want to save for the future, there is a seed of much future conflict already embedded in the relationship.
10. Finally, do you know her? Really, truly know her? Do you know what she hopes her future will hold, even if she can't articulate it?
Marriage and family are definitely good things. But they are important and life-altering, and are not to be entered into lightly. If you are so fortunate as to find the right woman, don't let shallow concerns get in the way, pursue her and see it through. If neither you nor those close to you harbor any serious doubts about her, then marriage is likely the right decision.
SEX is a big one the article ignores. Marital celibacy will kill a marriage just as easily as an affair alone.
The author does mention sex. But there's more to a relationship than how great you are with your mate between the sheets. If you don't have things in common beyond the bedroom, a marriage won't have the depth it needs to grow and stay alive in stressful times.
All true, but like an automobile if you take a vital part away, it does not matter how perfect everything else is.
If we had a perfect way to measure love and relationships and marriage, we would have alot fewer books and articles.
without frosting its just bread.
Appreciate the article...
Applies to women looking for suitable guys as well!!
It's a good book, too.
Finding women who are interested enough to read it and take Dr. Laura's advice is another matter, however.
All the arguments I've seen, pro and con, about marriage leave out the most important item, in my estimation. Marriage is instituted by God and it is important to Him because it is part of His own image that he has entrusted to mankind.
We humans muck it up at our own peril!
Its so hard for us perfect men to find just the right lady./sarcasm off.
Oh heck, someone's gotta do it.
Hey Laz! Over here!
Good post....I'm happy to be married...my wife never nags and always thinks of me first...i try my best to take good care of her...marriage is great with the right person...thank god for unanswered prayes in my case...i shudder to think if i had married a few i was smitten with...they fit most of the negatives i see here. I say just find a thoughtful and caring women that doesn't even take the notion to always be ahead of you or always keeping score.
If love and marriage were perfect, no one would ever get divorced.
nice post...
Rush Limbaugh needs to read this. lol
If I cheat on her, she gets half my stuff. I she cheats on me, she STILL gets half my stuff.
Finacially it doesn't make sense to get married especially with the risk of divorce. As far as the spirital realm goes, I have to get married-fornication is against God's law as well as celebacy-we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth.
If she is constantly complaining about her family, take heed. These are your potential inlaws.
1. Is she a woman of genuine faith? A woman who seriously believes that marriage is a sacrament – be she Christian, Jew or Muslim – will have a very different view of the institution and the commitment...
You don't have to be religious to take marriage seriously and there is no evidence that Non-religious people are any more prone to divorce than religious people.
I think the key word here that you are missing is "genuine" faith. I would lump all of the nominal Christians, the Christmas& Easter Christians in the same regard as non-religious. Your statistics don't differentiate. Since there are not any casually religious Jehovah's Witness, I would consider most genuinely relgious people to have similar percentages.
When that glue of the middle class declines so does marriage and all else in society that relies upon personal responsibility.
BUMP
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