Posted on 08/19/2004 7:01:22 AM PDT by Pokey78
My American friends in England never stop complaining about the food here. It’s all ‘gloopy’, they say, and they bitch about the warm beer, grey curries and unidentifiable soups. Sometimes their longing for US comfort food — beefburgers, hotdogs, cookies, tacos and dairy queen ice cream — becomes so strong that some of them even resort to a company called the Food Ferry, a British Internet site that delivers Skippy Peanut Butter, beef jerky and Oreo cookies.
My solution is a little different. I tell them that American food is overrated, unhealthy and revolting, and the sooner they wean themselves off it, the better they will feel.
American food seems pretty impressive at first sight, but during a four-year stint in the US I realised that it is basically a con trick: bigger isn’t necessarily better; brighter colours don’t mean more intense flavours; sugar tastes good, but leaves you feeling depressed, sick and still hungry.
British cuisine may be considered bland but at least, by and large, you know what you’re putting in your mouth. One of America’s bestselling snacks is a cheese dip designed to be scooped up with nacho chips. It’s runny, it’s orange, it tastes like cheese, but a label on the jar says that it’s a ‘non-dairy product’. Then there are Twinkies — small yellow sponge cakes found in the lunchboxes of most US children. Twinkies are made of such mysterious stuff that they don’t have a best-before date and are subjected to scientific tests. ‘A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,’ says one Internet report, ‘during which time many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface but, contrary to our hypothesis, birds — even pigeons — avoided this potential source of sustenance.’
Even the food that’s made of food is a challenge. A pastrami sandwich comes with a good six inches of meat in the middle — how do you get your mouth around something that’s nearly as big as your head? After a few attempts, any appetite you might once have had is gone. Have you ever tried an American apple? They look perfect — enormous, red and shiny — but have the consistency of cotton wool. It’s the same with the meat: huge, juicy-looking steaks, and chops, perfectly grilled, pink inside, but tasting of wet paper.
The Cheesecake Factory is one of the most popular family food chains in the US — and for me the most grotesque example of American food. A single slice of cheesecake is as big as a brick and would more than suffice for a meal. An entire cheesecake could quite easily put a small child into hyperglycaemic shock. It must put a strain on family life, having to watch your nearest and dearest eating this gunk. The cheesecake is just one of the ‘factory’ specials whose metal menu lists hundreds of other dishes, like the Tons of Fun burger: ‘Yes, It’s True! Double Patties, Double Cheese, Triple Sesame-Seed Bun with Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Pickles and Secret Sauce. Served with Fries’ and the Mile-High Meatloaf Sandwich ‘Topped with Mashed Potatoes, Crispy Onions and Barbeque Au Jus. Served Open-Faced on Extra Thick Egg Bread.’
The labelling of dishes in American restaurants provides an interesting challenge to both menu-writer and reader. Ordering from the food encyclopaedias of restaurants like The Cheesecake Factory is rather like resitting one’s SAT tests. There is a full page dedicated to every beast, bread and starch as well as every national cuisine; also ‘fusion’ dishes. Whatever I chose, I was always left worrying whether I’d made the wrong decision. And despite the bewildering variety of foodstuffs on offer, any attempt to veer from the menu is greeted with blank incomprehension:
‘Just the turkey, please.’
‘The dish comes that way.’
‘But I only want the turkey, thanks.’
‘I’m sorry, miss, that’s not possible.’
‘But I know you’ve got grilled turkey — it says so right here.’
‘That’s our Grilled Turkey Sandwich, miss. Our Grilled Turkey’s on our dinner menu.’
‘But surely you can just remove the bread?’
‘No — I’m sorry. Like I told you before, the Grilled Turkey Sandwich comes with the bread.’
‘You make it sound like it’s born with the bread.’
So you decide to eat in, but this involves a trip to the supermarket and hours spent trying to spot the microscopic differences between thousands of identical brands. Whereas in England we would have an aisle of grains and jams and cereals, Americans will dedicate an area the size of a tennis court just to varieties of bread: loafs of every shape and shade, bagels and buns, waffle mix. Often, in desperation, I’d just go for the most adventurous option. ‘Coconut-sprinkled sweet potatoes’ made one appearance in my flat, but only one.
Half the problem, I think, is that food isn’t just food in the States — it’s an obsession. Not only does Adam’s Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple Cheesecake exist, it can be gawped at online. The Krispy Kreme website features a five-minute video with a jaunty electronic soundtrack showing rows of little doughnuts browning slowly on a conveyor belt, before being lovingly glazed, bought and eaten. Food even provides whole states with a sense of history and identity — Midwestern towns fight over titles like ‘home of the peanut’, ‘birthplace of the corndog’, ‘Krispy Kreme Kountry’.
And with the excesses of American food comes a national fixation on dieting: as Eric Schlosser reports, McDonald’s has attempted to cash in on this with a McLean burger for dieters. We may not go to the gym so often in Britain, but our food doesn’t demand that we do. I flew back from America looking forward to shepherd’s pie and pints of beer only to be confronted by an upsurge in American fast food in London — not enough to keep my US friends happy, but still worrying. Perhaps we and the Americans should pay more attention to global gastronomy. We could form a food think tank to wean the US off sugar and on to snails, squid and sushi. It would make us all healthier — and happier.
Yeah, didn't they buy a couple of plates and took what they wanted and put the rest down the waitress dress or panties or something?
Regards,
Ofcourse, you realize the question this begs, no?
Have you ever tried fake ass juice??! I DIDN'T THINK SO!
i beg to differ.... southern cooking has always been good. And italian is not the only 'ethnic' food that tastes really good. Thai food is great. So is japanese. i even like german food.
It's stronger (we enjoy strong, dark coffee), and much more of the flavor emerges.
We've often read reviews of coffee that use the word "fruity." We had no idea what the reviewer was talking about 'til we had pressed coffee.
We used to by Starbucks French Roast, but found a perfectly suitable (and less expensive) substitute in Millstone French Roast. It's available at Sam's Club in 2-1/2 lb. bags. I highly recommend it.
Prepare an extra place setting. I sounds like you have good taste.
I read recently that Britain is the second-fattest industrialized nation, and gaining fast, so a little humility is probably called for here.
I don't read the Spectator all that much, but from what little I've seen it appears to be a more classically European Tory sort of conservative journal, with all of the skepticism of/contempt for the common man and the democratic leveling of opportunity that makes him possible that is such a feature of American conservatism. This article appears to be of that type.
Snail is good if cooked right. Cooked being the operative word here. This little chicky doesn't do raw fish. GROSS!
Wow, BB, he really showed you, didn't he? You must be stunned by his magnificent display of logic and debate.
Next time you visit, you are welcome to go on a hunger strike.
You have my support all the way!
I do apologize for those thoughtless yanks and yankettes who held a gun to your head and forced you to pig out. And don't feel bad about being a size 22. it looks good on you!
Yeah, their electrical code requires that the bathroom be lit with sockets that are switched with a pull string. I guess they never heard of ground fault interrupters.
Now that I think about it, he also loves sause, chitlins, and hog brains.
Once when Mother went to look after my older sister and baby, Daddy went out and killed a raccoon, cooked and ate it.
Well, the author could attmept to stuff said sandwich up another orifice.
I mean no offense, but as a person who enjoys tasting and enjoying the native cuisine wherever I travel, I have to admit that British food is, by and large, awful — overcooked, underspiced, and generally lacking in taste and texture. Exceptions exist, of course, but even in Chinatown it is damned near impossible to get properly spiced food. There seems to be some kind of weird national aversion to cumin, chilies and garlic in England. The Indian food in London is a bit better, though still far too bland.
On the other hand, I cast another vote for Scots breakfast. In France, Germany, and Holland "breakfast" generally consists of a rock-hard bun and a piece of cheese, with a fruit slice if you're going posh, or maybe a tiny bowl of Swiss sawdust with runny yogurt. The Central Hotel, Glasgow on the other hand serves a breakfast that includes rashers of bacon, bangers (sausages), broiled tomatoes, huge orange-yolked eggs, Scotch Egg, toast, baguette, real butter, fresh jam, kippers (smoked fish filets), plus the only decent cup of coffee I've ever had in the entire UK. The only thing missing was grits. Now that's a breakfast.
In my experience, the best food to be had in the UK is home cooking — British home cookery has made great strides in the past decade, what with Nigella and all. More British are willing to experiment with foreign tastes at home, and the freshness and quality of ingredients has vastly improved. Regional cooking is making a comeback, too, although the British obsession with organ meats is regrettably as strong as ever. Pub grub (chips, butties, pies, etc.) is also fairly decent, as long as one avoids the thaw-and-serve fare many pubs dish out. In general, I'd say that in gastronomic terms the UK is about where America was circa 1973 or so — too much reliance on convenience foods (tinned sauces, beans, etc.), massive overcooking (boiled cellular mush), and the aformentioned fear of spicing. We got better, though, and food in the UK is getting better, too. I expect the trend towards fresh ingredients, proper cooking, and increased seasoning to continue.
They have us beat to hell in the brewing department. America has some fine craft beers, but compared to real ale, crap like Bud barely deserves to be called beer.
And that Nigella is as hot as a Christmas pudding.
What a stupid thing to say.
don't you have anything better to do than post in a conservative AMERICAN forum?
This is not a forum for American conservatives only.
I thought American food was mostly crap untill the South was settled.
It might also help if next time you visit us, you refuse the hospitality of Rosie O'Donuts and Michael Moo...
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