So sorry that you have reached this point in both your lives. It is doubly tragic that modern medicine really has so little to offer.
The only thing I can suggest that would make your life easier is to think of this illness as something that you cannot control, no matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try.
I, like many people, have a medical condition that cannot be controlled through positive thinking, being strong, looking on the bright side, and any other way that we are taught to cope with disease.
I can deal with my diseases easier by eating right and getting more exercise, but that won't make them go away. The worst is rheumatoid arthritis, which may eventually put me in a wheel chair, and at present is just making it hard to walk.
It's not imaginary. It's not due to negative thinking. It is what it is, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it, except take a lot of pills.
God gives me strength. God answers prayers.
God goes what God does, and I don't know why. So I have surrendered to God, a higher power, and say "Thy will be done. Not my will, but Thy will. Amen."
Cobalt...a friend told me about vitamin E. I was having leg and hip problems and it was becoming constant. I decided to try it. It worked. I still have arthritis, but it's now much, much better. I take 2-200u of E. It's reasonable costwise and you'll feel a difference in one week. I hesitated because everytime I try one of the healthfood stores "miracle pills," they don't work and I'm out $8! This actually worked for me. Worth a shot. Try it.