2005: The year in preview-- Doug Powers prognosticates about politicians, entertainers, and more

WorldNetDaily ^ | 12-27-04 | Doug Powers

[RightWingReader]

The kids have torn through their presents like famished lions who picked off the slowest gazelles in the herd, and living rooms have been strewn with the cardboard and torn-paper carcasses. Now, the department store gift return counters will have lines so long that World War II veterans will have nasty flashbacks of the evacuation of Dunkirk. This means it's almost time to welcome yet another year, and to predict what the year will bring. In the past, I've been pretty close with my predictions ... at least a notch above Miss Cleo. Here we go ...

--A major bio-terrorism plot will be thwarted after the FBI uncovers a secret plan by Islamic extremists to throw Michael Moore into New York City's public water supply.

--Jimmy Carter will be called in to mediate a settlement between the National Hockey League players and owners. It will be the first time Carter has intervened in a desperate attempt to get violence to start.

--Michael Jackson, tired of leaving incriminating fingerprint evidence, will start wearing a glove on the other hand as well.

--The 77th annual Academy Awards will be cancelled after officials receive a credible threat that an Oscar nominee is planning to deliver a pro-Bush speech.

--Several major league baseball players will use the steroid abuse scandal to their financial advantage, signing their genitalia to a three-year advertising deal with Raisinettes.

--P.Diddy's "Vote or Die" movement will disband after losing leverage with throngs of youth who suddenly realize that they didn't vote, and aren't dead.

--The Rolling Stones will release an album of entirely new material titled, "Sticky, arthritic fingers."

--Doctors will announce that, during a routine colonoscopy performed on Arizona Sen. John McCain, they discovered a benign polyp and two dozen members of the Washington Press Corps.

--Jodie Foster, seeking anonymity after learning that John Hinckley Jr. may begin receiving unsupervised weekend furloughs, will have her name legally changed to "Tom Daschle."

--Bill Clinton will begin penning a sequel to "My Life," which will include in-depth, frank discussions of sexuality, affairs and Hillary. Clinton will write, "What is it about the charismatic, rugged masculine quality that seems to attract so many women? Also, what attracts them to me?"

--California's Ninth Circuit Court will issue a ruling that stuns nobody in particular when they announce that they have outlawed opposite-sex marriages.

--Michael Dukakis' New Years resolution for the 15th year running will once again be to convince any Democrat candidate for office to accept his endorsement.

--Kobe Bryant will make it a point to spend more time with his wife. So will Karl Malone.

--A third-party candidate will pay for yet another Ohio recount, and later justify the spending of over a million dollars by claiming massive fraud was discovered and he had twice as many votes as the state recorded. The claim will lose its luster after it is reported that there was a hundred percent increase because the candidate went from one vote, to two.

--Democrats and even a few Republicans will be pleased to learn that Donald Rumsfeld will step down as secretary of defense, but their joy will quickly turn to sadness after they discover that it's so he can be nominated to become chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

--The partial-birth abortion ban will be revisited by Congress, this time with Ted Kennedy showing up to the Senate chamber to protest by wearing a T-shirt which reads, "If abortions are outlawed, only outlaws will be allowed to screw around with a Kennedy."

--Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe will leave that job and start his new career, where he will move a staggering 17 pre-owned vehicles in his first month alone.

--GQ magazine will publish an article that claims there are two reasons men should never wear a toupee. Those two reasons will be "Burt" and "Reynolds."

--Deep-sea explorer Robert Ballard will stun the world after announcing that he has finally discovered the wreckage of the Democratic Party.

--The next nominee for director of Homeland Security will also go down in flames after it is learned that his child's computer was protected by illegally downloaded "Net Nanny."

--John Kerry will hock enough of wife Teresa's jewelry to be able to afford to hire scientists to invent a time machine, with the delusional intent of traveling back to early 2004 and expressing vehement opposition to gay marriage.

--Dan Rather's farewell broadcast in March will be a boon for fans of Texanisms, and include lines such as, "My future holds more surprises than Paris Hilton's strep culture," "I'll miss bloggers like a barefoot farmer misses the cow pasture," and conclude with, "You and I were like Napoleon and Josephine ... together, we had a ball."

A happy and prosperous 2005 to you all!

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Author's note: I've recently begun depleting the ozone layer of the blogosphere. Visit my new Web log for daily thoughts and responses to select reader e-mail.

[Theresawithanh]

"--Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe will leave that job and start his new career, where he will move a staggering 17 pre-owned vehicles in his first month alone."

They were all hillariously good, but this one had me spitting liquid on my keyboard!